65 Million Years Of Evolution, And Look Where It's Gotten Us: Part 2.

This Just May Be The Next Indiana Jones Movie.

THE CASTLE DOORS.

Two enormous wooden doors, covered with intricate CARVINGS of demons, serpents and gargoyles, adorn the castle entrance. Indiana and the police STAND before the doors. Indy GLANCES to the upstairs window. The candle still FLICKERS.

A long, wooden bar, carved into the shape of a SERPENT, is fastened through the metal door latches. It BLOCKS the castle entrance. Indy and the Policemen GRAB HOLD of the bar. It is extremely HEAVY. Using all of their strength, they manage to slide the bar OUT of the door latches. It hits the ground with a THUD, rolling down the castle stairs.

Indiana CLUTCHES the rusty, metal door handles. He PULLS. HARD. The doors CREAK. GROAN. And slowly OPEN. A thick CLOUD OF DUST explodes from inside of the castle. It BLOWS OUT all of the torches.

Behind the open doors, there is only TOTAL DARKNESS. Indiana ENTERS, holding the flashlight before him. The Policemen exchange FRIGHTENED glances. Inspector MacGowan SHOVES them through the open doors.

And, clearly, that would be a spectacle worth witnessing - Chris Columbus destroying a beloved movie franchise, for no damn reason. Read it; it's terrible.

Because clearly, federal government isn't the only dumping ground for deranged, drunken, mutant retarded donkey fuckers, the governor of New Jersey had to shut down the state government. This includes (wait for it) *deep breath* road construction, casinos, state parks, beaches, historic sites, the lottery, motor vehicle offices, and state courts for anything other than emergencies. *Pant, pant* This is the first time they've had to do this, ever. Great strides forward, we're making, hmmmm? The shutdown is due to the fact that lawmakers remain unable to find $1 BILLION in funds to make the state budget work. Might I suggest cutting some of the pork barrel?

Because Islam is the Religion Of Peace, we must of course appease them. This is why an amusement park in England has decided to rent out the whole park to Muslims for a day, right during a popular holiday. ONLY Muslims. As in, if-you-don't-bow-to-the-east-no-ticket-for-you. As in, this is not the way to "integrate" them, folks. This will only result in anger and resentment among the rest of the population. Oh, wait. It already has.

Scotland has its share of dumdums as well. A few months ago, they passed a law making it illegal to smoke in bars; not that there's any public place more conducive to smoking, or more desirable to smoke IN than a bar, but hey, who cares about the desires of the bar's patrons, right? Well, sometimes Mother Nature comes down on the side of the patrons, and visits punishment on - well, everyone, really.

See, in Scotland, and I'm sure in many other places, there's a particular nasty bloodsucking fly called a "midge." Midges are horribly annoying, and swarm by the thousands. So why haven't they been bothering Scottish drinkers, and only just begun to harass them? Because midges are repelled by tobacco smoke, that's why. Which means that now that smoking in bars is illegal, the bars' staff and patrons are being assaulted viciously by gigantic clouds of bloodthirsty midges, intent on wreaking havoc on a previously protected group. Naturally, no-one in Scotland is really happy about this.

It's still funny, though.

Now I know you guys love your pets. You might even love your boyfriend / girlfriend / wife / husband / significant other of whatever stripe's pet. But do you love your girlfriend's dog enough to wrestle a 10-foot alligator for it?

Brent Carey of Charleston, SC does. Bravo, Mr. Carey. You attacked an alligator to save a dog. While brave, and doubtless powerfully pants-removing in its effect on your girlfriend, that's really a dumbass thing to do. NOTE TO READERS: if anyone tries this at home, and they get eaten or horribly maimed, I will laugh.

We have created, through prodigious use of flagrantly frivolous lawsuits, a society in which anyone can be sued for anything. The result? Despite the technological advances allowing a digital camera (albeit a bad one) to be available for as little as $20, thus making a point-and-shoot filmless camera with 100+ shot capacity available to basically anyone, kids going to summer camp cannot take cameras anymore. The reason? Myspace. Facebook. Xanga. Friendster. Yahoo! 360.

I'll tell you why. The companies that run summer camps are terrified, and rightly so, that some dumbass kid may post a picture of the camp on his or her website, which might also have on it objectionable content of some kind - BECAUSE THEY'RE KIDS AND KIDS POST ALL KINDS OF CRAP - and some parent will see it, and sue the CAMP, as though the camp has any responsibility whatsoever for what the KID has on THEIR PERSONAL WEBPAGE. Congratulations, sue-happy fucktards. Rather than teaching your kids not to put personal information on their webpages, which it is not the responsibility of the webhost to prevent, you have created a climate in which summer camps are terrified to let your child have anything tangible to remember their experiences, because you can't watch your kids' computing time yourself, or be bothered to install parental monitoring software.

Just so you know: rainbows can protect you from tornadoes. That is all.

Ever see a hailstone?

Or, if you haven't, at least you know that occasionally, ice falls from the sky, right?

So, ice falling from the sky isn't all that unusual. Unless it's the size of a microwave oven. Then it's a little odd. Residents of an apartment complex in South Africa were a bit surprised the other day when a huge ice block fell from the sky and shattered on the pavement outside the complex. To give you an idea how huge this ice block was, it left a crater in the pavement. That, folks, is a big-ass hailstone. Residents have hailed it as coincidence, or a gift from God, or a sign that God is pleased that a local security guards' strike is over (?) but they all agree that one thing it isn't is debris from an airplane. Some locals suggested that it was frozen ejecta from a passing jet liners' restrooms, but one resident put paid to that: "There is no poo here," he said.

Just to make sure you understand what's really at stake when you drive in Connecticut, you should be aware that the state is tired of its officers only ticketing those who actually break the law, and they've now decided to start generating budget funds by ticketing everyone who drives in their state, just for driving.

Oh, you think I'm not being serious? Then explain to me what other purpose it serves to give police officers a $10 bounty on every ticket they issue? See, to me, that just says "TICKET EVERY DRIVER, EVERY TIME. NO EXCEPTIONS."

Now that's just depressing.