The Obligatory Dick Cheney "Hunting Accident" Post

Ok. Normally, at least for the last year or so, what I do on this page is pick a series of silly items from the news and mock them ruthlessly, without (or at least without OFTEN) focusing in on one particular thing. That said, the Saga of Dick Cheney's Hunting Accident deserves its own post, and now it's got one. This one will stand apart from others for another reason, as well, in that I will update it as new things come to light about the "incident."

So, let's just get started, shall we?

First off, you need to understand what really happened. Dick Cheney, Vice-President of the United States, was on a hunting trip outside Corpus Christi, Texas on Saturday. He was hunting quail. (No relation.) He was hunting with a lawyer named Harry Whittington. Whittington, a man of clearly near-infinite genius, ran up behind Cheney, who was carrying a shotgun, just as a covey of quail flew up into the air; Cheney fired, hitting Whittington in the face, upper chest, and arm.

THE FIRST RULE OF HUNT CLUB IS: DO NOT SNEAK UP BEHIND THE GUY WITH THE SHOTGUN.

Sorry, I had to.

Ok. First off, the White House's reaction to this has been to joke about it; so, apparently, has everyone else's. Second, Dick Cheney was NOT DRUNK. REALLY. They even paid the Sheriff's Department to say so.
But what was merely a few isolated jokes has become a tidal wave of stupidness, with such clearly under-employed blowhards like the Bradys (both of them) leaping into the fray for no reason; the governor of Florida, who conveniently happens to be the President's brother, making jokes; PETA coming out of wherever they're trying to hide from animal cruelty charges to say the Veep oughta pick a better sport, hell, even the official paperwork is funny reading.

The thing is, it's really not funny, and there are a hell of a lot of things wrong here. Initially, the story took 18 hours to get into general release - why is that? We know in 20 minutes, worldwide, if Saddam Hussein farts in court, but the Veep shoots someone in the head, and it takes the better part of a day for the news services to get it? Secondly, until Whittington had a heart attack and they began to worry about manslaughter charges, why is it that the only trouble it looked like the Veep was gonna get came from his failure to buy a $7 hunting stamp from the state of Texas? Why did the owner of the ranch they were hunting on have to be the one to go to the press? Didn't they know that this would just give the Democrats ammunition?

And now, things are really starting to get bad. Now we've got teenaged girls shooting their boyfriends for laughing at Cheney; Cheney still denying that alcohol was a factor, but admitting he'd had a couple over lunch; and the White House press corps is all pissed off that the news was broken by the Corpus Christi Caller-Times, instead of the New York Times, despite the fact that the accident happened in Corpus Christi, not New York.

The thing is, there were 850 total hunting accidents in 2002; of which 514 were this same kind, someone shooting someone else. (I use 2002, because it's the most recent year for which I could find compiled statistics.) But the point is the same - it's not that uncommon. "Unintentional discharge of firearms" was the 100th-ranked cause of death in 2002, (WARNING - slow, annoying .pdf link) out of 113 causes common enough for the CDC to bother ranking them. That's, um, more common than drowning, and less common than falling down, mkay? Just to give you an idea where this really stands. IF Whittington dies - which is, as yet, by no means certain, and the doctors are optimistic - then he's a member of a statistical class more likely to occur than you getting a fatal charley horse because you didn't listen to your mother about eating and pools.

Which makes me wonder if someone didn't set all this up - the Democrats looking for an opening, maybe, or PETA just to try to throw up a smokescreen - because it's flashy, attention-grabbing, and ultimately not all that important, except to the individuals involved.
I do have to say, though, that Frank from IMAO summed this situation up admirably well in his post; he said:

"Don't this of this as Vice President Cheney having a hunting accident. Think of this as Vice President Cheney ONLY WINGING a lawyer."

Yeah.
{Update as of 03/01/06}
Whittington is a hell of a team player. He got out of the hospital and said he was sorry to have caused so much trouble for the Veep. Now, that's a hell of a guy, as far as I'm concerned - more loyal than I am, for sure. I mean, even if I've known you for years, if you shoot me in the face with a shotgun from 20 meters away, and then try to be all buddy-buddy, I'm likely to react poorly: "You sonofabitch, YOU SHOT ME. Get away from me."

Apparently, this story is "over," despite the fact that there are all KINDS of questions the media doesn't seem to be interested in. With that in mind, I will conclude this saga with a few joke pictures I got from a friend (yes, I have friends.)