Even Pixie Dust And Rainbows Can't Make This A Good Idea...

I hear a lot about how wonderful hybrid-engine cars are, and every once in a while - although several times this week - some self-important "environmentally correct" douchebag will ask me why I drive a 15-year-old Saturn instead of a fuel-efficient hybrid.

So, I'll answer that.

But before I do, I will explode some myths.

First, gas mileage. My current car is 15 years old, cost me $900, and has a ten-gallon gas tank, from which it gets about 27 miles to the gallon.(I know this by the way I end up walking every time the trip meter hits 270.) Now, a typical, non-hybrid car gets between 23 and 33 miles per gallon; hybrids go higher - in a couple of cases, much higher - but they're not cheap.

Second is durability. There's a notion that hybrids will somehow magically last longer than older vehicles did; this is patently and obviously ridiculous. The more mechanically complex a system is, the greater its chance of failure; a hybrid has, essentially, two engines - making it nearly twice as likely to suffer a catastrophic breakdown as a standard car in the same time period, if they're both maintained equally.

Third is the myth of environmental friendliness. Any vehicle using an electric motor - even partially - needs storage batteries made of heavy metals that must be acquired through strip-mining.

Yes, very environmentally friendly. These cars are meant to improve fuel economy; that doesn't mean their environmental impact is any smaller, just that it's in a different place.

So, why DO I drive a 15-year-old Saturn instead of a hybrid?

For purposes of comparison, let's first make a few assumptions. Bear in mind that used cars are - at least in my case - paid for outright. Because I want the hybrids to come out on top - really, I do - I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt everywhere I can, in every way I can. So, let's start with the assumption that a used car will break down - without fail - in 12 months and require complete replacement. Given that, I divided the price of the used car I drive into "monthly payments" to give a fair comparison. (Keep in mind, though, that the used cars in the comparison are owned completely and cannot be repossessed.) Because it's difficult enough even to get a car dealer to make a price quote online, much less guesstimate interest without giving them your bank records and tax returns for the last fifteen years, I decided to give the hybrids a break; so I'm assuming that the car dealer is Santa Claus and is giving the hybrids out on no-interest loans for the straight purchase price of the car, without turning one tiny penny in profit. I used my own information and driving record to get an insurance quote, for $100,000 bodily injury,$100,000 uninsured motorist, and $50,000 property damage coverage with a $250 deductible for both collision and injury, as the basis for the "full coverage" on the Prius. So what are we using for comparisons, here?

First, there's my actual car:

• My car cost me $900 cash.
• This divides out to $75 per month.
• I pay $55 a month in insurance, since I don't need more than liability.
• Our gas budget comes out to about $108 a month; roughly $27 a week.
• Taking the cost of all the repairs I've ever had to do to the car, it averages out to about $52 a month in maintenance.
• The sales tax in this state is 6%, and on $900 comes out to $4.50 a month.
• All this comes out to an approximate "monthly payment" of $294.50

Second, to give the hybrids a fair chance, I created a fictitious "oldie but goodie" car:

• Call it $1200 cash.
• That's an even $100 per month.
• That's a bit more than my car, so I upped the cost of liability to $65 a month.
• I assumed it's a gas guzzler, driving the same distance I am: $160 a month.
• I also assumed it's a deathtrap: $200 a month in maintenance.
• Taxes on $1200 are a bit more: $6 a month.
• This comes out to a total "monthly payment" of $531.

Third, a real, actual, from-the-dealer honest-to-goodness hybrid, the Toyota Prius:

• At $27,014, a STEAL!
• I assumed a five-year payoff, again with a no-interest loan; that's $450.23 a month.
• Most dealers require full coverage, and even Santa Claus isn't nice enough to skip that one: $73 a month from AIG for the coverage I described above.
• I took the Prius' gas mileage to be the middle between the CNN quote (60 MPG) and the dealer quote (45 MPG)and called it double my real car's mileage at 54, then halved my gas bill: $54 a month.
• Hybrids won't break as often, but it costs way more to fix them, so I threw up my hands and made maintenance the same as for my real car: $52 a month.
• Taxes on $27,014 are a bit higher: $27 a month.
• This comes out to a total "monthly payment" of $656.23

And finally, because I love hybrids and I want them to do as well as possible, I made up a fictitious "hybrid" that makes some assumptions you may find startling:

• First, I knocked down the price to $20K even; this is Santa Claus Motors, after all, so why wouldn't he give you $7,000 off?
• On the patented Santa Claus Motors interest-free-forever loan, that comes to $333.33 a month.
• Let's say the same price for the insurance; $73 a month.
• This is a Santa Claus Motors vehicle, so it doesn't require gasoline AT ALL and instead runs on pixie dust and fucking rainbows: $ZERO A MONTH.
• There's no need for maintenance because Santa's Elves will fix your car: $ ZERO A MONTH.
• There's no taxes on a Santa-mobile because it's paid for by Rudolph and the reindeer: $ZERO A MONTH.
• This comes to a grand total of $406 per month.

So, let's interpret this.

The fictitious hybrid from Santa Claus that runs on pixie dust and rainbows costs $111.83 a month more than my actual car, even assuming that my car will blow the fuck up in a single year (it hasn't.) The real, actual hybrid costs $125.23 more than my fictitious rattletrap "certified pre-owned" vehicle, and $361.73 a month more than my actual real car.

What this means is that if I continue with my car, in the five years it would have taken me to pay off the Prius, I will have saved $21,703.80; that's enough money to buy a 52-inch 1080p LCD TV for every room in my apartment including the BATHROOM - I included sales tax, because Rudolph doesn't like me - a 2006 Saturn Ion, again including sales tax - dammit, Rudolph, what the fuck - a keg of premium beer, a Playstation 3 bundle for every room in the house including the bathroom,, and replace my old laptop, and still have change.

So, when you ask me why i don't drive a hybrid, don't be surprised when I point at you and laugh openly; EVEN THE PIXIE DUST AND RAINBOWS COULDN'T MAKE IT ECONOMICALLY VIABLE.