THE MOST IMPORTANT BLOG POST EVER EVER EVER!!!

I know you've all been waiting for it...



...So here it is.



Yesterday, Tara and I loaded into the car and drove up to Lewistown to see our baby doctor.



In theory,we were there to schedule a C-section for the baby. That's sorta what happened, I guess. We got in there and after a brief examination, Doctor Malhotra said "So, how do you guys feel about going to Hershey?"



"Errrr...?"



"You will go to Hershey to get the baby. It will be better."



"Yarrrrr... Now?"



"Yes. Go now."





This causes my brain to go "OK! Off we go!" Sadly, it also made Tara's brain go something more along the lines of "OMGWTF WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BABY!!!"





So, we came home, put up bulletins / blast messages, wrote a messenger message to most everyone whose login name we knew, and we grabbed the baby bag and the (swiftly assembled by yours truly) car seat, and rolled out. All the while, I attempted to calm her down.



Got to Hershey at about 4:30, and they told us to settle in and get comfy, they were going to ask us the same questions over and over all night, and then drag us out for pre-op at 6 AM.



That's pretty much what happened. And that's where things started to get wonky.



Don't worry; at this point I want to tell you that they're both fine.



But to start: we went down to the pre-op waiting room; Tara was nervous, having not only never had surgery before, but also never having been admitted to the hospital for anything serious. I of course, couldn't stop cracking jokes; it's how I keep her calm, although I admit that the one that cracked the docs up into hysterical laughter was maybe not in the best of taste.



"I'm so nervous!" (Tara)



"This is perfectly normal; most people are nervous before surgery." (Dr. Icantrememberanddontcare)



"Yeah, honey, and most of them live!" (Me.)



The docs thought that was a really good one. Tara gave me ALL THREE NAMES and a swat on the shoulder, but she was laughing too.



Then the anesthesiologist showed up and told her that because of the blood pressure issue, they'd had to give her an anticoagulant, which ruled out an epidural, because they were afraid she might bleed into her spinal cord, which would be bad, so it was general anaesthetic for her, which meant I went to the waiting room.



I did NOT like this, and warned them that "If I don't see the boy before he gets sealed in a plastic bubble or whatever it is you do, someone's arm will get twisted off like a drumstick, and they will have a VERY BAD DAY."





So, they very carefully directed me to the wrong waiting room - Major Surgery, instead of Labor and Delivery - so the first I heard about what was going on was AT FUCKING NOON, when they called up and told me to go back to her room and wait for her to be brought up.



I got ready to twist someone's drumstick off, and then eat it. No food for me since 8 PM yesterday? HUNGRY. ANGRY. GROWL.



Then I got upstairs, and accosted a nurse at the nursery and demanded my son. They said, "Oh, the giant baby?"



That sounds about right. Remember that if a 5'1", 110# girl looks like she's carrying a sack of bowling balls, it doesn't say much. Seeing the same effect on a woman who's 6'2" and not 110# is a bit more meaningful.



"Yeah, that'd be him."



They finished whatever they were gonna do in there, and brought me a baby burrito - that's actually how they referred to it - and all of a sudden I wanted to sit down a whole lot more than I wanted to twist off anything.



So I did.



And I held and rocked my tiny-only-in-comparison-to-me son for another hour and a half, until Tara came up.



...Something was NOT right. There was a WHOLE LOT more blood flying around than I really thought there should be, and a FRIGGING PLATOON of people there to take care of her, neither one good signs. Suddenly I was all back in arm-twisting mode, and demanded answers.



Fortunately, since they seem to have done this a time or two before, one nurse got assigned and detached from the mob to brief me in.



Apparently, because of all the drugs, after the C-section, her uterus didn't fully contract the way it was supposed to, which meant she didn't stop bleeding, and was getting clots in her uterus.



This led to a series of three extraction procedures that were both gross, and apparently really painful. Do NOT ask me to describe them.



At any rate, the third one worked, and by 5 PM she had most of her color back thanks to 4 units of blood being pumped into her as fast as they could get them there. She is now "stable," which means "Go home, Dad, not gonna die tonight." In all seriousness, she's fine, but the issue of further babies is up in the air until further notice.



Along the way, I fed James - I'm getting there, patience is a virtue - four times, changed him twice, discovered that he SERIOUSLY objects to diaper changing but pretty much anything else doesn't bother him more than the occasional "I'm hungry" squeak, and introduced him to his mama.



They're keeping them both there until Saturday, but I have to work tomorrow, so I came out to the parking lot to drive back, and found that despite all my calm and collected exterior, sometime on Tuesday when we were on the way to Hershey, I turned the headlights on.



I have no memory of doing this.



My car battery had no memory of having power, either.



Crap.





So, after much grunting and swearing - my car is old, and huge, and HEAVY - I got the junker turned around and pestered a friendly guy for a jumpstart, and drove back here, so I could tell you all about the experience.



So, I'd bet by now you all are really pissed off and demanding pictures and vital stats, hmmm?





So, I should tell you, then, hmmm?













James Mack Baldridge was born at 9:14 AM today, April 25th. He weighs 10 pounds, 1 1/2 ounces, is 21 1/2 inches long, has a full head of red hair just like his mama's, and seems blessed with an extremely calm demeanor - he only cried three times, twice for diaper changes, and once when the IV pump started making a desperate shrill beeping noise that all three of us absolutely hated, and when one of the nurses turned it off, we heard a voice from outside go "THANK YOU WHOEVER STOPPED THAT."













...So, I guess you guys want pictures?





Good thing I remembered the camera, right?



And extra batteries? (I should note that the timestamp got all fuckered when I changed them. No, I can't time travel. Safety is not guaranteed.)

This, in case you were wondering, is the junker - a 1985 Dodge Diplomat.







Tara, bracing for surgery.







Tara hates hair nets, just like I do.







Meet James Mack Baldridge.







This is when he first came in, before I even picked him up.







He sleeps...







He wakes up for a first look around...







He is a baby burrito.







Mama loves you, little boy.







So does your father.







The boy so nice, we fed him twice.







Post-diaper change. Note the not-yet-faded God-am-I-pissed redness.







Tara was so happy when they finally let her hold him.







So was he.







He looks around...







...And gives us a sarcastic smirk.







This is my son, James. You are all honored to have met him. Nod now.





Now I'd like to also point out that the second time we changed his diaper, one of the nurses insisted on "helping," and then one of the doctors noted "Did you just see him give you the finger?"



He was not referring to me.



Ha.



Just because I could, here's what it looked like when Tara got to hold him for the first time. You can't hear it, because the built-in mic was terrible, but she was talking to him.









The females among you may cry now.

Just A Note Of Boredom...

Apparently, I have an IQ of 135.

This also means I'm smarter than all the candidates who ran for president in 2004.

I am a huge, but somewhat disguised, nerd. (Disguised? Who came up with this? It's only because I'm a browncoat, and not a Trekkie, I tell ya.)

I am an EVIL nerd, who blogs too much. (There are evil nerds?!?)

I am 52% Republican, 32% Democrat, (and I guess that makes me a Libertarian, doesn't it?)

I am somewhat Machiavellian, a sort of proto-slacker, 80% capitalist - although I base that score on the fact that I thought Martha Stewart SHOULD DAMN WELL have gone to jail - and I am more cutthroat than you think. (Unless you're Samara. SHE knows.)

I drink Tequila, when I can't get any Mexican beer.

I may be a cynic, but I'm an observant one, and I AM smarter than an 8th-grader.

I possess unbridled sensuality, and I'm damn handy in the kitchen, too. (Some of you might already know that. I bet you didn't know that at one point I seriously considered going to a culinary academy, but couldn't afford it.)

I am fairly logical, and my life experience will make me a cool parent. (Good for Jimmy, LMAO.)

I had seriously forgotten how funny the original Revenge Of The Nerds movie really was, until I saw Lewis coming down the stairs in a robe, with a pipe - the exact outfit I used to wear in college when I had just had a similar experience. ("I say we blow their fuckin' houses up.")

I also forgot John Goodman was in it. Damn, he used to be skinny.

I am amazed by people's capacity for self-delusion. Today, I was in the gas station, and I saw a girl wearing something so close to the Hooters' uniform as to make no difference - skin-tight orange short shorts, with either no panties or a very, VERY small thong, a skin-tight and very thin white t-shirt, with no bra. Nipples everywhere. I said to the clerk, "You know what's funny? I bet she'd be all kinds of pissed off if you asked if she works at Hooters." The clerk took one look, laughed out loud, and said "you're most likely right."

I'm kind of pissed off at the manufacturer of the crib we bought, because they're lying mofo's. It purported to be a "3-in-1 convertible crib, with crib, day bed, and full bed in one!"

Riiiight. The "full bed" part is actually "attach bed frame (not included) to headboard."

Good thing the boy won't need that for a year or two, hmmm?

I hate beer distributors - something I've only seen in poor, benighted PA - because they don't know their own product. I went into the one closest to my house today, a place I usually don't go into because they're not bright - and they proved it again.

First, I went into the cooler to try to find something decent I could drink. Look around, I see Yuengling Lager, I see Old Milwaukee, I see Busch and Bud and Coors, WTF?!? Where is my Tecate? Corona? Modelo? Where the hell is all the Mexican beer?

I go out and look, and - no shit - they have like 5 cases of Modelo sitting on the floor in direct sunlight.

I bought some Michelob Ultra, which for a cheapie is actually not that heinous. I also told them that they ought to throw out the Modelo, because they'd just destroyed it by leaving it in the sunlight. They told me, "We don't really sell a lot of that, anyway."

I said, "Did it ever occur to you to ask why?" and showed them the place on the box where it says to store it in darkness, under 45 degrees.

"Oh, wow, I never knew that."

"The fact that they ship it in refrigerated trucks didn't clue you in?"

And you sell beer? That whole goddamn store is alcohol abuse. Thank God I've got Zimmerman's Distributing pretty well trained to keep my goddamn beer cold.

But, after much swearing at Engrish instructions, and wondering why the manufacturer included an Allen wrench that fit every single screw or bolt involved in the assembly WITH THE EXCEPTION of two lonely Phillips screws, I got the crib for my impending disaster of monumental proportions assembled.

I think the boy is making out like a bandit here. Now if only he'd stop stretching inside Tara, and instead come on out, where he can stretch in a bit less crampy space.

Don't think I can't spank you before you come out, boy. (*Gropes Tara's belly*) Aha! THERE'S YOUR BUTT!!!


In other news, I made the mistake of buying the "greatest hits" version of Resident Evil 4 for the Playstation 2 the other day.

"But Dave, it was the game of the year!"

I don't care. It sucks. The aiming is incredibly sluggish, something you can't have in a game where you're getting mobbed by fast-moving enemies, and the camera angle is perched irretrievably behind the character's right shoulder, which essentially means you not only can't look around you to see the battlefield and have no peripheral vision to boot, but in fact EVERY CAMERA ANGLE IN THE GAME IS A BAD ONE.

It took me about 10 minutes to decide that this game was crap. Maybe it was way, way better on the Gamecube, but those looked like design decisions, not console changes. Also, might I add, Capcom, you retarded monkeys, why in the sweet name of FUCK can't you clowns manage to allow control customization in your goddamn games? It's the 21st century, for God's sake, and yet you have "scheme 1" and "scheme 2," scheme 2 being even more screwed up than scheme 1.

So, after getting repeatedly killed by axes flying at me from enemies I was unable to see, and attacked from all sides as I frantically tried to track my aiming from one target to the next, I gave up, took the disc out, and put in God of War. Nothing takes away the frustration of getting whacked because of a camera angle more easily than mowing down hordes of enemies in God of War because you can see where they all are.

Now all we need is a "greatest hits" version of GoW2, and I will be happy.

Let's Talk About Evil.

What an outmoded concept, these days, right? I mean, everything can be accounted for by "childhood trauma" or "schoolyard bullying" or genetics, or whatever is the excuse of the week.

There's a problem with this.

There is a DIFFERENCE between someone who has an organic, or mental, dysfunction of such magnitude that they are unable to accurately perceive the world around them and those who are able to make rational decisions.

This is why there is an insanity defense in court. Someone who is physically or mentally unable to understand the consequences of their actions cannot make rational decisions, which means that they cannot be held guilty of a crime. Guilt is not determined by action, but by INTENT. This is why, despite murdering a lot of people, some famous serial killers were remanded for psychiatric care.

However, insanity doesn't account for it all.

There are people who are not insane, who choose to do evil things.

For example, the Virginia Tech shooter, Cho Seung-Hui.

This is a man who killed his first two victims, and then stopped, reloaded his weapons, took the time to mail a bundle of documents and video clips to NBC (who, I should note, obliged him by playing them,) then chained the building doors shut so that escape would be barred, and proceeded to go on a shooting rampage, culminating with taking his own life.

Was he crazy?

Did he have childhood trauma?

Was he bullied?

Was it the fault of the video games he may or may not have played? Or maybe violent movies?

Let's see. He purchased extended capacity magazines, guns, and hundreds of rounds of ammunition, which he did at multiple stores to avoid suspicion - the act of a rational man premeditating mayhem. (I would note here that the extended capacity clips he purchased, despite MSNBC's legally illiterate reporting, are quite legal, and were never subject to the clip ban they mention on the page. He was firing pistols. The ban was on clips for assault rifles. Gooooooo, MSNBC fact-checkers.)

He practiced, the month before, at a shooting range in Roanoke, so that he'd be used to handling his legally-purchased chosen weapons - the act of a rational man, premeditating mayhem.

He recorded a collection of video clips, and added to that a stack of documents, prepared beforehand, to mail to the media - the act of a rational man premeditating mayhem.

He procured a chain and lock for the doors, and planned his attack on the single building on campus most difficult to exit by any means other than the single, chained door - the act of a rational man, premeditating mayhem.

This man was not crazy. He was rational, deliberate, and focused. Intentionally, with malice of forethought, he set out to create an act of premeditated murder of unprecedented scope - that would ultimately end with the deaths of 32 Virginia Tech students and faculty. No childhood trauma or schoolyard bullying could have created in him an insanity which allowed for planning the way he did, and yet left him incapable of comprehending his actions; he chose, as a rational, sane adult, to commit an act of evil.

Many of us would like to dismiss the idea of evil in favor of trauma or mental illness or upbringing or whatever the current favorite scapegoat is. Sadly, that's not the whole story. Evil exists, whether we like it or not.

Millions of victims of childhood trauma exist. The overwhelming majority of them, as rational adults, make a decision - every day - not to beat their families, or abuse children, or shoot innocent bystanders.

Millions of people each year are subjected to similar levels of "bullying" and general mean-spiritedness in school, without blowing off steam by blowing up other schoolkids.

Millions of people diagnosed with the current crop of favorite mental disorders exist, and yet they are able to function each day, despite being bipolar, or manic-depressive, or having ADHD, or what have you, without killing 32 people in premeditated shooting rampages.

Millions of gamers, the world over, play violent video games every single day without fail, and yet somehow, as rational adults, because most people are basically decent, they manage to choose, every day, not to go on irresistible violent rampages because Hexen or Doom or Heretic or Unreal or Quake or Grand Theft Auto or Halo or Prey or F.E.A.R. or S.T.A.L.K.E.R. or Oblivion or Pariah or Serious Sam or Duke Nukem or WHAT HAVE YOU, told them to.

Even more millions of people manage to avoid violence despite having seen hyperviolent movies like Oldboy, despite the efforts of the Associated Press to blame the shootings on that, too.

And yet, the media's simultaneous attempts to play up the horror of these events, and yet portray Seung-Hui as a victim, continue. Despite the bereaved family members' refusal to appear on MSNBC because of the network's airing of the killer's package of ramblings, and the fact that a prominent forensic psychiatrist told them "If you can take Imus off the air, you can certainly keep Cho from having his own morning show," MSNBC is standing by their decision to play, over and over, the material the killer sent them. In fact, they claim they have done so with extreme sensitivity. Tell that to the bereaved, if you can get them to talk to you.

There were heroes that day. Zach Petkewicz barricaded the door to his classroom, saving the lives of everyone inside, as Seung-Hui was unable to enter. Professor Liviu Lebrescu, a Holocaust survivor, saved the lives of his students by blocking the door to his classroom with his body, costing him his life, but allowing his students to escape out the windows.

And yet, ultimately, this reduces to the story of a man so consumed by evil that he planned and executed an attack on a school, killing dozens, so that he could get on TV. The media is gleefully obliging him, but that seems to be their job these days.

The real villains of the piece are those attempting to shift the blame for what happened to the shoulders of his classmates, his family, video games, movies, society as a whole, or anywhere other than where it belongs - squarely on the shoulders of Cho Seung-Hui. Placing blame on any other factor devalues - and insults - everyone who's ever undergone a similar experience and DIDN'T kill a bunch of people in cold blood.

Cho Seung-Hui was an evil man; he planned and committed a horrifying act of evil; and he met his end while doing so.

None of that makes his cold-blooded, rational, planned, thought-out decision to commit murder less than evil, and refusing to acknowledge it as such merely empowers similar actions on the part of other evil people.

Let's hope that poor Regina Rohde - who survived Columbine, and now attends Virginia Tech - can make it safely through the rest of her life without encountering any more of them. I'd bet, for her, twice is enough. Although, I gotta say, if it DOES happen again, Regina, I want to see some John McClane-style ass-kicking out of you, mkay? You've had practice by now, you're ready.

Ok, Since You Guys Like The Food...

...I'm gonna dispel a myth apparently prevalent in the North, and give you guys a couple of delicious and simple recipes in one fell swoop. How's that sound?

HEY NORTHERN PEOPLE!

A "quesadilla" is Mexican - or more properly Tex-Mex - food. If you make it with ANYTHING ITALIAN YOU ARE FUCKING IT UP.

I never would have credited it myself, except once we went to a restaurant near here and saw "Quesadillas" on the menu, and I, longing for a taste of home, made the mistake of ordering them. I guess I forgot that Northerners cannot comprehend Southern food, just like Southerners cannot comprehend Northern food.

Take it from me: quesadillas do not include provolone cheese, and are not dipped in marinara sauce. HORRIFYING.

So, here's how to do it properly.

Get yourself a big ol' flat frying pan, and a VERY SMALL bit of oil, or some cooking spray.

For quesadillas, if you decide to go the "meaty" route, get either some shredded roast chicken, or some lightly browned ground beef, or I guess whatever else you want, but those two work well in my experience.

If not, all you need is white flour tortillas (they're easier to do this with. Corn is classic, but a pain in the ass, IMO.) and cheese; the cheese you use is up to you, but for authenticity, it ought to be a blend of Monterey Jack, asadero, and maybe some Oaxaca cheese.

You can add grilled onions, or chorizo sausage, as well; my personal favorite combination is the beef, grilled onions, with asadero and Monterey Jack cheeses.

Now, the classic way to create a quesadilla is very simple; spray down your frying pan with the cooking spray, and lay the tortilla in the pan. After it gets warm enough to be a bit soft, cover half of it with the cheese blend and the meat, if you chose to add it. You can also toss in some salsa, but I find that unnecessary, because of the second recipe.

Anyway, fold over the uncovered half of the tortilla, to make a sort of tortilla omelette; after the cheese melts enough to stick the two sides together pretty well, flip it over and let it crisp up a bit on the other side.

That's it! Quesadillas are a dead snap to make in the evening when you're tired, and boy, they sure are tasty, especially when you combine them with some sour cream - despite Tara's total and abject hatred of any sour dairy products - and some guacamole.

...And that would be our second recipe!

See, up North, guacamole is relatively unknown, unlike in East Texas, where it's a side dish at practically every meal. I got up here and was simply aghast at the total lack of anything approaching fresh guacamole; hell, I REFUSE to settle for frozen; I'd lose all my Texas points, and have to buy a new hat.

Besides, frozen guacamole is nasty.

Fresh guacamole, however, is delicious, and you deserve to know my spin on it, because good food should be shared.

So:

Begin with several - maybe 5 - good-sized Haas avocados. You can tell they're good when they're firm, and not mushy.
While you're in the produce section, grab a yellow onion; a good-sized tomato (I personally prefer the vine-ripened hothouse ones, but they're smaller. If you get those, use two,) two good limes, some cilantro, and if you like, some hot peppers. For guacamole you want spicy without heat; it's supposed to be a garnish, rather than a taste blanket, besides which, you don't want to overpower the avocados. I prefer ancho chilis - the dried poblano - because they're just hot enough to say "Hi!" without burning up food wimps like Tara, and they add a bit of bite to the guacamole without overpowering it.

When you get ready to make your guacamole, you'll need a pretty good-sized bowl; all this yumminess adds up pretty quickly.

Chop about 3/4 of a cup of cilantro, and the onion, and the tomato; also the peppers if you're using them. If you're using fresh garlic, you can mince it all together with the other ingredients in the food processor; if you buy the bottled minced garlic, you can just get a couple of tablespoons ready.

Slice each avocado in half length-wise, running around the pit, then separate the halves and discard all but one of the pits. Using a flat spoon, separate the meat from the rind of the avocados. (This is easier than it sounds; I promise, I'm not offering you an elephant soup recipe. (Old joke. "First, dice one elephant..."))

Once you have the meat from all the avocados in the bowl, mash it up with a fork - or run it through the food processor if you have some kind of moral prohibition against food with lumps - and add the juice from the limes. This is one of two things that will help keep the avocado meat from oxidizing and turning brown. (The brown doesn't make it inedible; it just makes it LOOK nasty. But still.)

Once the lime juice has been mixed thoroughly with the avocado, add the other ingredients, and a bit of salt.

Stir all this together until it's well blended.

...aaaand you're done!

Guacamole can be used as a dip for tortilla chips, as a garnish for basically anything, and serves as a great way to add even more flavor to your quesadillas.

...Oh, yeah, the browning... When you're storing guacamole, leave the remaining avocado pit inside the bowl, and keep the bowl covered and refrigerated. The pit will help slow browning as well.

Guacamole, while easy and fast to make, is one of those dishes that Northerners just don't seem to get right, sort of like a Southerner trying to make a Philly cheesesteak sandwich. Yeah, right.

They don't even sell the ingredients for a proper cheesesteak in the South. But you can read about them online!

...At any rate, enjoy! I will be adding more recipes from time to time, and anyone who has a really good one can certainly send it to me; I will post it after I make it. (This is so I can give an honest assessment of how hard it is to get right. Some recipes are easier than others, hmmm?)

A Little Southern Treat!

When I was growing up, in East Texas, we used to have a treat from time to time.

Honestly, it never occurred to me that it was THAT much of a purely Southern thing, until I got up North, and folks here said "huh?" when I mentioned it.

So, for those of you who've never tried it, here's my spin on a Southern treat: Frito pie!

Start off with 2 cans of chili. I know most of you won't make your own chili.

Beanless chili is better for this, trust me.

I used Campbell's Steak Chili; it's worth the extra, IMO.

Once the chili's started in the saucepan - one preferably with some extra room - you can add the fun stuff.

1/3 chopped white or yellow onion
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1/4 Lb. cubed Velveeta cheese
Chili powder to taste - I use a lot, you may not want to
Diced hot peppers to taste - again, I use a lot, you may not want to

Cook that all together until the cheese is all melted and everything is well mixed, stirring frequently.

Once the stuff is ready, get some bowls, and fill them with Fritos.

Alternately, you can do it the really cheap way, and get one of those Frito snack packs, with the small individual bags.

Ladle the chili sauce over the Fritos fairly lavishly. You can sprinkle shredded cheese over the top if you want; just don't overdo it. You want to taste the chili.

Eat!

No, it's unhealthy as hell, blah blah blah, that's true. But it sure does taste good. Plus, if you're a beer drinker, it's hard to find a meal that's a better match for a cold bottle of Tecate.

Remember That "100 Days" Thing? You Didn't BELIEVE Them, Did You?

Would you like to know what the newly-elected Democratic majority in control of Congress has done in their first 100 days?

I mean, since that was their whole campaign, you know, "in the first 100 days we will completely unfuck everything the Republicans have fucked up," and all that?

Because I remember promises about minimum wage, about college loans, about implementing the 9/11 Commission's recommendations, about stem cell research, about the budget, accountability, Iraq, all sorts of stuff.

The Speaker of the House's website loudly touts their "success" in this regard.

The problem, you see, is that after 100 days of them being in charge, none of this has actually become law. And despite all the blathering, until it becomes a law, it doesn't count.

To date this year, 17 laws have been passed.

That's it; seventeen.

Wanna know what they were?

Well, here's a list, if you want to read it yourself.

The abridged version is as follows:

• 6 bills to rename Post Offices after various people;
• 2 bills to rename courthouses, including the Rush Limbaugh United States Courthouse; (?!)
• 1 bill to rename a Federal Building;
• 1 bill to rename a National Recreation Area;
  
• 1 bill to build a road in St. Louis County, Missouri; (isn't that Missouri's job?)
• 1 bill to agree that making NATO even bigger is a great idea;
  
• 1 bill to revise the composition of the Congressional Page Board;
• 1 bill asking for even more money in "appropriations;"
• 1 bill giving a 6-month extension to the Small Business Investment Act of 1958;
• 1 bill amending the Antitrust Modernization Commission Act of 2002;
• 1 bill adding new dates to Public Law 105-331, which requires commemorative coins to be minted for the sesquicentennial of Thomas Edison's birth.

Boy howdy. That there is a passel of great legislative work.

Of course, absolutely NONE of it relates even slightly to the promises made by the Democrats. Does this honestly surprise anyone?

Incidentally, I would note that President Bush STILL has yet to veto a single bill. EVERY SINGLE ITEM OF LEGISLATION EVER SET BEFORE HIM HAS BECOME LAW.

Which means, if it ain't on the above list, it's because Congress hasn't sent it to him.

And people wonder why I'm a cynic.

"Theft" And "Piracy" And "Lost Revenue," Oh My...

Ok.

I am not here to advocate anything illegal, and I would never recommend anyone do anything illegal.

Peer-to-peer downloading of movies and music is illegal.

So, don't do it.

That said...

The RIAA and the MPAA both have orchestrated, for the last several years, a huge campaign - of advertising, of legislation and of legal action - to make file sharing go away.

It hasn't.

Sadly, the defenders, such as they are, of file sharing are far less eloquent, and their positions less well-thought out, than the positions and spokespeople for the RIAA and MPAA.

Because of this, the campaign has managed to convince most people that downloading is in fact theft. Most people who download now believe they are stealing from the RIAA and MPAA, as a form of protest.

This is wrong.

In a theft, something is stolen. A car, for example. After a car theft, the owner of the car no longer has the car; it is gone, and removed in totality from their use. When a movie is downloaded, the studio still has it; nothing physical has changed hands. What has happened is that the downloader has created a copy of the movie. The original owner still possesses it; can still use it; and in fact is unaffected in that way.

So, what, precisely, is a downloader supposed to have stolen?

More on that in a second.

In piracy, a product - music, movies, software, whatever - is copied repeatedly, and then SOLD. The revenue from this sale is then kept by the pirate, as opposed to the owners of the property. This actually IS theft.

I'll tell you why, again, in a moment.

Most downloaders are not pirates. I know dozens of people who actively download, and I know none of them burn copies of movies, music, software, or whatever, and then SELL THEM to their friends.

So, what's stolen?

The RIAA and MPAA both make the same argument. They claim that each person who downloads their product is one who would otherwise have bought the product at store prices, and thus, the download is theft of the sale revenue.

But it's not. The unsafe assumption being made in their argument is that each person who hears or sees their product would, in fact, pay for it.

The problem with labeling downloading "theft," is that it isn't.

Their next claim, with which they purport to refute my reasoning there, is that the very act of consumption of the product in the first place deserves (which I find arguable at least in some cases. Think Gigli.) compensation, and the downloader is stealing the compensation due them for the act of viewing or listening itself.

Again, a false argument. If the act of listening to a song in itself deserves compensation, then according to their logic, listening kiosks in music stores, video rental stores, and radio and TV stations are all illegal - not because the "artists" aren't compensated, but because they're not compensated by each individual consumer.

Downloading does not remove revenue from the owners. In many cases, downloaders purchase far greater quantities of the RIAA and MPAA's products than those who do not download. Why?

Because, having seen or heard the product, they know whether or not it is sufficiently valuable to them to justify purchase.

In this day and age, most people are having to stretch their budgets. Frivolities like movies and music are moving ever farther down the priority list for most people, as it gets more difficult to merely put food on the table. For this reason, music and movie sales are slowing, as the ridiculously high prices for them are rapidly outweighing their value to the consumer. Customers have to be far more careful to get value for their dollar, since their entertainment budgets are rapidly shrinking.

Enter downloading. While it's true that an average downloader downloads and watches dozens, even hundreds, of movies, it's also true that they will buy more of them - at stores - than people who do not download. Because they know which movies are worth their money. This is why video rental stores are doing just fine; in point of fact, it's a more expensive way of doing the same thing.

"But you pay for rentals," you say? Yes. And every penny of that money goes to the video store, not the movie company. The video stores buy the movie sat the same price you would, often, in the case of smaller stores, at Wal-Mart, just like you or I. This means that after they've rented it out about 7 times, they've made back the money they spent on it, and everything subsequent to that 7th rental is pure gravy for the video store. Not one more penny than the original purchase price ever makes its way to the "artists."

Which means that realistically, downloading is free advertising for the RIAA and MPAA. Each customer that downloads a song or movie is one who has SEEN OR HEARD IT, and can therefore either purchase it, or tell others to do so.

I, personally, do not buy movies or music sight unseen. Yet I possess over 150 legally purchased DVDs. This is because, in each case, through whatever means, I have come in contact with the product, and decided to purchase it.

A legal copy of a movie, bought on DVD, contains content - DVD extras, featurettes, trailers for other movies, interviews, commentary, all kinds of crap - that a download does not contain. Regardless of downloading, a compelling reason remains to purchase the product. The same is true of music; a store-bought CD contains liner notes, artwork, and other content simply not available through downloading.

The RIAA and MPAA are suing their primary customer base, as a means of maintaining a business model that is clearly no longer appropriate.

They've managed to cover that fact by calling downloading "theft," despite the fact that the Supreme Court distinguishes between "copyright infringement" and "theft." This is why downloading is a civil misdemeanor, and theft is a felony.

Even the Supremes know that when you download, you're not stealing.

Stop buying into the myth, folks. I don't care if you download or not; but don't let the RIAA and MPAA convince you that downloading is the moral equivalent of car theft or piracy; it isn't, and nothing they can do will change that.

If You Love Your Pet, You're Gonna Be SO Pissed Off...

Ok.

Most of you who own pets have no doubt heard about the gigantic Menu Foods recall. (An added note: In case you're not sure, the lists of dog food and cat food that have been recalled can be found here.)

You know, the one where they put rat poison in your dog and cat food, and caused a 30% increase in feline kidney failure among their customers' pets?

Yeah.

It's way worse than that.


Menu Foods knew the pet food was contaminated for THREE WEEKS before initiating the recall. Think about it. For three weeks, they were knowingly poisoning your pet.

But wait. It's worse than that.


Want to know WHY they waited three weeks before initiating the recall?

Because their executives wanted to sell off their stock, quietly, at its pre-recall high price, BEFORE initiating the recall, so that their stock values wouldn't drop.


They CLAIMED that their reasoning was...

...Well, wait, I'll just let you read their version:

The company's chief executive and president said Menu Foods delayed announcing the recall until it could confirm that the animals had eaten its product before dying. Two earlier complaints from consumers whose cats had died involved animals that lived outside or had access to a garage, which left open the possibility they had been poisoned by something other than contaminated food, he said.

Read that again, real close.

They waited until they knew for sure that your pets had eaten the tainted food before they recalled it.


...Because they were afraid their stock prices would drop, and they wanted to unload first. Like Mark Wiens, CFO of Menu Foods, who sold over half his shares before initiating the recall.

Note the time frame. Three weeks.


They sold their stock, then waited what they thought was just long enough that no-one would notice, then initiated the recall, so that when their stock prices fell like a rock, they would be safe from investment hell.

I would at this point like to direct your attention to the following method of navigating Menu Foods' phone system, so that you can express your dissatisfaction with the executives of your choice first-hand.

1) To reach Paul Henderson, President & CEO of Menu Foods GenPar Limited, call (905) 826-3870
2) Press 0 when the recording picks up.
3) Leave a short message
4) Press #.
5) Press # again when prompted.
6) Then press # to use the directory.
7) Type in "henderson" with the alphanumeric pad.
8) Press #.
9) You are then taken straight to the man.

This method works after hours. Results may vary during the day. You can use this method to reach the other executives, like:

Robert W. Luba, Chairman of the Board of Trustees & Administration Board (rluba@menufoods.com) "luba"

Mark A. Wiens, Chief Financial Officer, Executive Vice President, Secretary of Administrator (mwiens@menufoods.com) "wiens"

Randall C. Copeland, Executive Vice President of Sales and Marketing of Administrator (rcopeland@menufoods.com) "copeland"

William F. Grant, Executive Vice President - Corporate Purchasing & Logistics of Administrator (grant@menufoods.com) "grant"

Christopher J. Mifflin, Executive Vice President - Operations of Administrator (cmifflin@menufoods.com) "mifflin"

Richard G. Shields, Executive Vice President - Technical Services of Administrator (rshields@menufoods.com) "shields"

Serge Darkazanli, President and Chief Executive Officer (sdarkazanli@menufoods.com, adoremus@menufoods.com) "darkazanli"

Address:
Menu Foods Income Fund

8 Falconer Drive

Streetsville, ON

Canada L5N 1B1

Fax: 905.826.4995

Please, feel absolutely free to call, email, write, and generally pester to your hearts' content. These guys deserve everything they've got coming to them.

...Now Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Ranting And Vitriol...

Before I deal with the issue I really want to yak about today, I want to address something I know some of you have been no doubt wondering about, namely, "Why hasn't Napalm said one single word about Nancy Pelosi's trip to Syria?"


The answer is very simple. I don't trust the Washington Post.

See, the initial reportage on her trip overseas came from that *cough* illustrious *coughHACK* scion of modern journalism. They claimed, somewhat wildly, I thought, that she had gone to Syria over State Department objections, and told the Syrians a number of things not in accordance with current U. S. policy.

The problems in this article immediately caught my eye. First of all, four Republican Congressmen had gone to Syria the week before without any flags being raised. Secondly, it has NEVER been the policy of the State Department to issue specific members of our government orders regarding allowable travel. Thirdly, what they quoted her as saying didn't sound all THAT far off of what has been stated policy of the U. S. for over 2 decades.

Sooo... what's the deal?

Turns out I was right; WaPo is full of crap.

So, what really happened?

The U. S. State Department routinely issues travel advisories, warning against travel to countries considered to be in sufficient turmoil as to present a dangerous environment to travelers. Syria has had one of these advisories standing against it for as long as I can remember; at least the early 80's. I'll dig later and see if I can find out exactly how long, but at least 20 years. Speaker Pelosi didn't travel "over State Department objections," or any other such laughable thing; she merely chose to ignore a routine travel advisory.


In any event, what she actually told the Syrians was exactly the same thing that the U.S. and Israel have been telling them for years: if Syria ends its support for HAMAS and Hezbollah, Israel will be willing to reconvene peace talks.

Incidentally, that's the same thing the four Republicans told them last week.

And not to worry; it's not just her public affairs goons telling us this. The Republican Congressman, Rep. David Hobson, (R-Ohio) who went along on the junket with her, confirmed her version of events. Presumably, for him, the mighty allure of the truth outweighed the opportunity for yet more partisan bashing.

At any rate, now you know. I didn't blog about it because I suspected - as it turned out - that it was a non-story. You may relax now.


Because NOW, I'm going to talk smack about the British, and that's always good for a laugh.

I don't know if any of you have been following the sordid little tale of the British sailors who were captured by Iran and held for a couple of weeks, during which they appeared in several propaganda films.

Despite their tales of abuse, torture, and coercion, they sure didn't act like POWs when they were released a couple of days ago, as Chip pointed out in passing in his article about Joe Subic. Let's see, what was it he said? Oh, yes, it was:

Unfortunately, we have learned that Britons act completely different. At least these 15 who came home last week did. The most recent Iranian hostage crisis was a pretty embarrassing demonstration of cowardice and a lack of military bearing. They didn't fight, they didn't flee, they didn't act like sailors and marines.

They cooperated in the making of propaganda videos against their country, they did not resist their captors, they seemed happy and appreciative as they were being released, laughing and gleefully looking through goody bags they got from the Iranians. It was a pretty shameful demonstration.

And now they are scurrying around to sell their stories, like rejects from American Idol. It is a bona fide disgrace.

Well, I can kinda get behind that assessment, except I have even more information I think than Chip did when he wrote that, which makes the situation even worse.

See, the Iranians may be CRAZY, but they're not STUPID. They knew the minute they released the hostages, they'd go out claiming "Torture! Arrrrrrgh! Torture! They made me watch a burqa beauty pageant! Oh, the humanity!" or some such thing.

The Iranians came prepared. Before they stashed the Britons in their holding "cell" - more on the quotes in a sec - they rigged it up for video, Big Brother-style.

Wanna guess the one thing that video DOESN'T show?

If you guessed "torture," hey, you'd be dead in the black.

It DOES, however, show, let me see, oh here it is:

Some of the video clips, briefly aired on Iran's state-run Arabic satellite TV channel Al-Alam, showed several of the eight sailors and seven marines dressed in track suits and playing chess and table tennis. Other clips showed crew members watching soccer on television and eating at a long table decorated with flowers. Crew members could be heard laughing and chatting.

Of course the Brits in question, upon hearing of the video's release, immediately claimed that that happened only in the last few hours they were there, strictly for the Iranian media.


Except there's historical precedent here. We've seen videos of these kinds of "press events" held with POWs before, haven't we? Those guys do NOT look like they're having a good time. The dudes who've been tortured may be playing ping-pong, but they sure look jerky and painful doing it, don't they? They have bruises; they have black eyes, and matched luggage underneath them; they look starved and malnourished - and you'd be amazed how quickly that happens to a human body absent its normal diet - and most of all they look unwilling to be there.

Amazing how the Iranian video shows...

...NONE of that whatsoever.

Begging the question: Lt. Carman, if your men knew this was a publicity stunt, and you'd actually been mistreated, WHY DID YOU PLAY ALONG?


I think what really happened is that you forgot, for a few minutes, in your relief at NOT being tortured, that you were supposed to act as though your captors were the enemy. You forgot your sworn duty to resist and escape if possible; you forgot your duty to lead your men, and you allowed them to forget as well.

I know how powerful a force relief can be.

I mean it.

I know the power that particular emotion can have over you. I know it can sway your thought processes, and allow you to make decisions you would never otherwise have made.

I also know that as a member of a military force - ANY military force, but especially one like Britain's, you cannot allow that to happen to you. You have a duty, one YOU YOURSELF ACCEPTED OF YOUR OWN FREE WILL, to follow a particular code of conduct.

You failed.


And thanks to your failure, you, and those who served under you, have become something unfit to wear the uniform of any military service with a tradition of honor.

I wish you the best of luck in your life. I truly do; I think you'll need it. Because, as Chip says:

To show that honor is essential, that a lack of character can follow a person through life, that a man who sells out his buddies and his country will not prosper.

Exactly. Well said, indeed. I believe Chip is right. And the utter betrayal of their creed displayed by these "hostages," if that can be used for them, is the kind that will follow them for the rest of their lives. Hope those book deals work out for them.

[*Edited to add: Better watch your ass over here, too. We might just decide to burn your ass up with our War Of The Worlds Official Martian Heat Ray.*]

David Lynch Rocks!

...And if Twin Peaks wasn't enough evidence for you, I present the following:

Your Honor, the prosecution rests.

Oh, The Total Cheesy Pleasure...

I know, I know.

If I could be said to have a "guilty pleasure" movie franchise, this is it. Great one-liners, badass stunts, total wacko villains, and a wildly underrated dramatic actor in an action role.

Not to mention layer upon layer of rich Wisconsin cheddar.

But they've never disappointed me yet.

And so, without further ado, here's the new trailer for "Live Free Or Die Hard." AKA Die Hard 4.

Just because I like to Show The Love\u2122, here's the original trailer, complete with a GREAT cheese moment at the end.



I know. Total cheese. But I'm still gonna go watch it. And most likely, at the end, I will feel like I got my money's worth.

So, Like, Here's Where I've Been Hiding, And All That

As some of you know, I work at a kosher poultry plant.

It's Passover.

For the two weeks leading up to this one, I worked 11-13 hour shifts every day but Saturday - the "sabbath," yanno - and that's how I ended up where I am today.

Thursday, I started noticing my sinuses were a bit off.

No biggie.

Friday, however, was no damn good at all. Out of nowhere, I developed a gigantic fever, chills, muscle shivers and aches, my sinuses turned into a solid block - and here's the real winner.

Coughing fits every 30 seconds or so. Really bitchin' ones, after which I was totally unable to regain my breath, and was on several occasions left clinging to nearby horizontal objects as though they were nearby stanchions in a furious gale on the high seas.

WTF?!?

Ok, I'm tough, I can hang with all that.

My boss, shining star of compassion that he is, told me not to die before the end of my shift. Because, said he, smirking, "then it won't be on company time."

Blah. Rude gestures only involving the hand I'm NOT currently using to cling like a lamprey to the nearest stable object.

So, Saturday off, right? Bed rest, no problem. Except about 6 PM, I turn my head to look at something and then I feel it:

Slosh.

OH HELL NO.

Yep, bilateral ear infections. It's not enough that I have to cough every sixty seconds, no, I have to feel like the top of my head is going to blow clean off, plus be unable to hear, at all.

Nooooooo problem. I have a sovereign cure for earaches, thanks to my mother. Years of swim team - and the associated hilarity - have instilled in me a deep and abiding respect for this remedy, as it's never failed to bring about results in less than two days.

So, I grit my teeth against the cold, get out the eyedropper, tilt my head over to the side, and dump in 5 drops of Listerine.

After 3 minutes, I drain it on some tissue, swap sides, repeat.

Take that, vicious germies! HaHA!

...Except, it didn't work.

My OMGWTFalarity at this point knows no bounds. So, we start calling for doctor's appointments.

...Only to get told that "we're not taking new patients right now."

...By every doctor in town except two, one who wanted a really crazy sum of money, and one who had no appointment times we could actually go to.

Thankfully, Tara had an appointment with the baby doctor and some lady at the hospital today, so in my infinite genius, I figured "Hey, since we're here," and checked myself in to the emergency room.

They saw me in literally five minutes or so, which was a new one on me; the so-called "emergency" room at a typical hospital usually results in service approximating the advancement rate of glacier growth.

Gave me a room, instructed me to trade in my T-shirt for a gown with those annoying ties behind me, and let me wait.

Within a few minutes, the doc showed up, and checked my ears. At this point, although I am feeling basically no pain, I am feeling enormous pressure in my ears, and am nearly totally deaf. (At this morning's breakfast, I told Tara, "Maybe I oughta keep the ear thing, I can't hear whatever you're rambling on and on about at all." She says, "That's ok. I'll whine louder.")

So, why didn't my home remedy work, doc?

He says, "Because you don't HAVE an ear infection. There's fluid, but no sign of an infection at all. It looks like plain congestion. I'm gonna give you a scrip for some Sudafed."

Mkay. So, if there HAD BEEN any germs, my technique woulda worked fine as per normal, though, right?

"Sure. Doesn't that burn, though?"

In all honesty, not really. There's a bit of a sting if you really have a badass pimp infection, but mostly, it's just cold.

So, got a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia, which it did, and got sent home with a scrip for Sudafed, and the knowledge that I will get over my bronchitis whenever I "feel ready."

Off to the pharmacy we go, where I ask to see one of the Sudafed clones from behind the counter, and find that for $3, it's not only the same active ingredient, but the same DOSAGE, as the scrip.

"Do I REALLY have to wait a half hour for this? Can't I just take this one and go?"

Sure, but I had to fill out a form, because apparently meth addicts have figured out a way to cook Sudafed into crystal meth, so you can't buy it OTC anymore without jumping through hoops. Go figure.

At any rate, hopefully the decongestants will work. Wish me luck.

Oh, the baby doctor?

Ha, ha, ha. I was gonna call this "My Boy, Part Two," but I'll just tack it on the end here, hmmm?

Doc decided to give Tara another ultrasound today, for no reason we were able to figure out.

Midway through, he says, "I can see his big testicles fine, but I can't see his LEGS."

ROFL.

Not only does my boy come with the expected family equipment, but he nutsacked the doc's camera . Waaaaaaahahahahahaha.