It's Finally Happened!

I never thought this day would come.

No, I mean it, NEVER.

Some few of you may remember an article I posted about three years ago talking about the long, strange saga of Duke Nukem Forever.

Some of you may be wondering what the hell I am blathering on about now.

So, ok, recap. (I was going to say "short" recap, but when I wrote it I realized it really wasn't. At all.)

Long ago, there was a game. It was called Duke Nukem.

It featured a loud, sarcastic, misogynistic, overly-testosteroned hero who smoked cigars and openly skirt-chased, facing off against aliens invading earth "to steal our chicks."

It was stupid, but a lot of fun.

A couple of years went by, and they released a (vastly superior) sequel, named Duke Nukem 3D, conveniently enough because it was, errr, 3D. Or, you know, that weird gaming pseudo-3D that isn't but tries really hard.

Even louder, even funnier, even more misogynistic, and you had pipe bombs.

It wasn't a flagship franchise, you know; not like Doom or Deus Ex or Call of Duty, but it was fun.

So, a couple of years went by, and the developer, 3DRealms, proudly announced another sequel: Duke Nukem Forever.

They posted trailers.

They - apparently - spent their entire budget on hookers and blow. Of both kinds.

They made a trailer that actually - at the time - looked promising, and got investors to give them another huge wad of money, which they, again, spent on hookers and blow.

Ok, fair's fair, I don't actually know that for sure, but considering their total lack of production of anything, it's as reasonable as the next guy's guess.

At any rate, years crawled by. Increasingly hostile interviews were granted, in which the developers, like some kind of sinister mantra, chanted to gaming reporters that DNF would be in stores "when it's done."

Which begged the question, "what's the holdup?"

And that question was asked.

Over and over.

For 14 years.

Read that again.

For 14 years, 3DRealms teased the gradually decreasing numbers of fans with cryptic trailers, ads, and again, promises that the game would hit stores as soon as it was done.

And they went bankrupt.

...Shit.

But Take Two Interactive, the parent company, had finally had enough. They were determined to get a game out the door if they had to use Semtex and Czech detonators.

So they got together with Gearbox, a company renowned for producing...

...errr...

...Other shooter games you most likely also haven't heard of. Like Borderlands, Brothers In Arms, all the expansion packs for the first Half-Life game, and Aliens: Colonial Marines.

And after Gearbox had been working on it for less than 9 months, we got a new trailer.

And everyone who still cared saw the headline: New DNF Trailer! and groaned, collectively, with a massive sense that the tease would never end, and we'd go to our graves never seeing this game, but always eternally hopeful.

Then they watched the trailer. And it was...

It was...

Duke.

Just as screwy, just as lewd, just as completely lacking in class, manners, or anything approaching basic human decency.

Just as... funny.

And with irony.

"But what about the game, Duke, is it any good?"

"Yeah, but after twelve fucking years, it should be."

The two or three people that still cared noticed a few things; new graphics engine, what looks like actual gameplay...

...Does this mean there's actually a GAME?

FUCK YES, it does.

Duke Nukem renounced his seemingly eternal title as King Of Vaporware on Tuesday.

I'm not going to say there was rejoicing; frankly, after a total of 15 years (announced in 1997,) the game would have to be better than the Second Coming of Christ, and the EULA on the box would have to cure pancreatic cancer while giving you a blowjob and simultaneously baking you a cake to make it worth the wait.

But Gearbox "took over and continued" development as of August last year - and in less than 12 months, they produced SOMETHING.

I don't know if it's any good. I haven't played it yet. The reviews are less than stellar, although frankly, I'm not sure how much of that is fairly directed at the game itself and how much is directed at 3DRealms for wasting 15 fucking years of our time waiting.

But you know what?

I'm going to find a way to buy it. Probably a year from now, and probably after everyone has stopped giving a damn entirely; but I'm going to buy it.

And I'll bet that two things will happen: I'll bet I will play the hell out of it - and I'll bet I laugh my ass off.

Always bet on Duke.

More Recipes, Just Because I Can

So, as a habit, on my days off, I typically make dinner, so that Kelli doesn't have to.

However, because of our work schedules, and thus our uncoordinated grocery shopping, the things I find in the kitchen to work with can be a tad eclectic, and as a result I tend to experiment.

I am, I freely admit, much less successful in that regard than Kelli is; she's one of the best cooks I've ever met.

But every once in a while, I have one pop up that works. This week, I am pleased to report that I came up with two very different dishes, both of which were, to my taste, wildly successful.

Obviously, your mileage may vary.

I will also note that Kelli tends to think I overspice things; I am a fan of bold flavor combinations, and will tend to err on the side of putting a little extra, rather than leaving something bland.

So, yeah.

Bearing that complaint in mind, here are two recipes for you: Lemon-melt Tilapia, and Bacon-Wrapped Chicken.

The second one is serious, no-holds-barred heart attack food; bear that in mind.

For the Lemon-melt Tilapia, you will need:

A pie pan or small baking dish

3-4 tilapia filets

shredded asadero cheese

grated parmesan cheese

paprika

basil

lemon pepper

ginger

2 tablespoons of butter

one-half of one of those yellow plastic squeezy lemon juice things.

Pre-heat your oven to 350 degrees. Arrange the filets in the pan so that they overlap as little as possible; you will need the space to turn them later.

In a microwaveable cup, melt the butter.

Once the butter is melted, stir in the lemon juice, then pour the mixture over the top of the filets. Dust the filets lightly with the basil, paprika, ginger, lemon pepper, and then top with a heavy dusting of parmesan cheese.

Put the pan in the oven for ten minutes.

After ten minutes, remove the pan from the oven and flip the filets as carefully as possible, using a spatula. Tilapia is a delicate fish, and will already be almost fully cooked; the filets WILL fall apart if you're not careful.

Spoon a little of the lemon-butter mixture over the tops of the filets, then dust the tops of the filets the same way you did the other sides. Once you're done, top each filet with enough of the asadero cheese to make a solid top once the cheese melts.

Put the pan back in the oven for another five minutes or until the cheese melts completely; don't overcook this, though. I always seem to warn about this with tilapia, but it bears repeating.

Now some of you may be thinking that the cheese is a weird combination with the lemon, but it turned out to have a very nice flavor contrast, and the cheese kept the moisture from escaping the tilapia, thus letting it stay moist, light, and flaky.

Pull it out and plate it up, preferably with a light salad or some kind of steamed vegetables. There's no need to pour the lemon-butter over it after it's finished cooking; the flavors will have absorbed nicely, and moving the filets without a lot of sauce will keep the fat content down.

Enjoy!~

...And now I'm straight out going to blow a gasket off your heart, and your mindhole, all at once.

For the second recipe you will need:

5-6 good sized boneless chicken tenderloins

a package of thick-cut bacon (Yeah, a PACKAGE.)

1/4 stick of butter cut into pats

1/4 stick of butter that's just a lump

basil

marjoram

paprika

ginger

white pepper

garlic powder

onion powder

1/2 cup feta cheese

1/3 cup heavy cream

2/3 cup sour cream (And for the LOVE OF GOD, use Daisy brand)

1/2 cup shredded mozzarella or ricotta cheese

Yeahhhhhh... That's a lot of cholesterol. Get your Lipitor ready.

Pre-heat your oven to 350.

Cut each of the chicken tenderloins in quarters, halved lengthwise and then crosswise, so that each becomes four small strips of chicken. Set them aside for now.

On your cutting board, lay out your bacon in strips, then cut them in half crosswise, leaving two smaller strips each.

Dust the upper side of each strip with basil, marjoram, paprika, garlic powder, onion powder, and ginger.

One at a time, roll one strip of chicken up in each bacon strip, then place each wrapped chicken strip in a baking pan so that the overlap in the bacon is down. The spices should be INSIDE when you wrap the chicken.

Once all your chicken is in the pan, place the pats of butter throughout the pan so that they're distributed fairly evenly, and dust the tops of the chicken lightly with the white pepper.

Put the pan in the oven for 25 minutes.

While that's cooking, take the remaining 1/4 stick of butter, the cream, sour cream, feta cheese, and mozzarella and mix it together in a microwaveable bowl; nuke it for 90 seconds, stir, and then nuke 30 seconds and stir repeatedly until the mixture is smooth. The feta cheese doesn't melt well, and there may be a few lumps; this is fine.

Once the 25 minutes are up, pull the pan out, and spoon the cheese sauce over the chicken, making sure each is evenly covered, then return the pan to the oven for an additional ten minutes.

Once it's done, pull it out and enjoy! If you have a lot of people, this makes a great appetizer. It is, obviously, VERY rich, and I don't recommend it as a main dish; you'll have some kind of episode and fall down.

But damn, it's yummy.