...And should he deign to grace the Oval Office with his august presence, the sheer honor of his proximity will cause the walls to warp, and paint to peel throughout the building, as the White House struggles vainly to contain an awesomeness so vast, so mighty, that it belongs on an INTERNATIONAL stage, not limited to a single third-rate former superpower!
So, yeah; Senator Obama is awesome. He'll tell you so, every chance he gets. So will the sycophantic media; which is to be expected, since his campaign has actually ostracized journalists for daring to question his greatness.
But they tend to be very unspecific about the exact details of how and why he's really so amazing. So, since I'm Here For You™, I've decided to put together a Top Ten List of reason Senator Barack Obama is awesome.
- # 10: Senator Barack Obama has AWESOME ears, see?
- # 9: Senator Obama is awesome in his self-sufficiency; he doesn't need his family, his pastor, his fist-bump, his mentor, his church, his former friends, campaign advisors, whole special interest groups, unborn babies, major campaign donors, Senator John Edwards, the state of Iowa, the U.S. Armed Forces, or recently, the only man able to even make a case to the public that he was a legitimate military advisor; he is so cool he can toss them all under the proverbial bus and remain unscathed. It must be crowded under there, though; I wonder how much road traction they can get?
- # 8: Senator Obama is so cool that despite having the arrogance and gall to present a forgery as an actual birth certificate, when he apparently actually HAS A REAL ONE, nobody seems to care.
- # 7: Senator Obama is so badass that 200,000 Germans just LOVE him. Or, wait, was it 20,000 instead? The first reporter said it was 20,000, and then they switched to saying 200,000 later on. Which is it? Who cares, anyway, the Germans like the hell out of him, thus proving that, like, it's perfectly ok to give huge speeches to foreign nations, as part of your cunning strategy to get elected God-Emperor of Dune. Wait, Europe. Wait, no, he's running for the U.S. Presidency, isn't he? So why's he in Germany again? Never mind, they liked him, and that's what REALLY counts.
- # 6: Senator Obama is so awesome that he gets to accept campaign donations from foreigners and known terror operatives, and at the same time clamor for campaign finance reform.
- # 5: Senator Obama is so amazingly intellectual that he can overcome cognitive dissonance entirely, and hold two separate and opposing viewpoints in his mind at the same time!
- # 4: Senator Obama is so outstanding that he can campaign for the position of ultimate and final decision-making in the United States, a job above which there is no greater authority, and still claim that there are decisions that are "above his pay grade."
- # 3: Senator Obama is so intelligent that in only 143 actual work days in the United States Senate, he has managed to amass greater wisdom, knowledge of government, and diplomatic experience than people who have been Senators for 26 years.
- # 2: Senator Obama is so black - disregard his white mother, she doesn't count - that every single black person in America will vote for him, regardless of their personal political convictions, and those same people and Senator Obama can then accuse anyone of racism who doesn't do likewise.
Because he's so cool that his obvious communism - endorsed by the Communist Party of America, no less - his support of failed policies of socialist medicine, his support of increased corporate taxes despite the U.S. being second-highest in the world already, his ties to a racist preacher, his ties to known former terrorists, his endorsements from terror groups - yes, groupS, plural - his ties to Louis Farrakhan, his total lack of experience in government, his openly racist disdain for his grandmother based on her skin color, his own racist statements, his wife's hatred for America, his inability to secure the Democratic nomination without resorting to superdelegates, his loony tax and energy policies, his failure to adhere to his own campaign platform even before the election, his endless flipflopping and self-contradiction, his refusal to admit the iraq troop surge worked, his willingness to go negative first in campaign ads, his willingness to negotiate with people known to be untrustworthy, his total unwillingness to even discuss actual debates with his opponent, and his rampaging sense of entitlement are all nothing more than the obvious machinations of the corrupt, racist right wing, and its massive anti-freedom conspiracy, and so none of them count despite all of them being true.
But there's one more crucial reason that Senator Barack Obama is the most awesomely awesomest political candidate we've ever had in this country ever ever ever:
Senator Obama says so.
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