Because It's Samhain, And Stuff...

... I present to you, my list of the scariest movies, and later of games, ever.



By scary, I mean SCARY. I do not mean bloody, gross-out, vomit-inducing torture fests. Wolf Creek is a perfect example of this - there's nothing SCARY about it. There's a lot of blood and guts, though, so if that's your thing, go for it.



I prefer the CREEPY to the ICKY. It's more honest.



And this list does NOT include any movies of the "BOO!!!" school of filmmaking; there's a difference between startled and scared.



25. The Others  This movie is a perfect example of a "pure" horror movie. There's no blood - literally, at ALL - in the movie, and yet it creeps you out quite effectively, without ever going for a cheap "something jumps out" moment. Somehow, it came in under the radar that year; definitely worth a look.

24. Evil Dead  There is in fact quite a bit of gore in this movie. However, Raimi's camera work makes it about a thousand times as creepy and disturbing as it would have been otherwise; watching the original, you feel at any given moment as if someone is about to get chomped on by horrors that are right behind them.

23. Dawn Of The Dead (Original. The remake sucked.) And, I will tell you why. The true horror of this movie is not found in its effects, but in the completely prosaic nature of the filmmaking - you only reach the truest horror in this film when you realize that the zombies are shopping - because consumerism is so ingrained in their American consciousness that it survives death itself. The remake completely failed to even notice this subtext, and lost a great deal of the film's impact as a result.

22. One Hour Photo  First, this is one of the more effective horror movies ever made, period. Sadly, because there's nothing supernatural about what happens, most people lump it in with the often comical "psychological thriller" genre. I assure you, no greater disservice could be made to this fine film. Robin Williams (!) plays a neighborhood supermarket's photo technician, and watching him dissolve into insanity centered upon a family whose lives he believes he shares is one of the most disturbing portrayals ever put on film.

21. The Sentinel  The setup is simple: a model moves into a new, very nice apartment building, only to discover that her neighbors are unusual. Except they're not unusual - they're crazy. Except they're not crazy - they're Satanists. Except they're not just Satanists, they're... At every level, this film delivers the goods, revealing its poisonous secret like an onion with a rotten core.

20. Jacob's Ladder  The only flaw from which this film suffers is that a lot of audience members "get it," about halfway through. The gradual dissolution of Jacob Singer's life into insanity is highly effective, and very, very disturbing. The ending is inevitable, although slightly disappointing - as a viewer, you wanted something more, but you can understand why it had to end the way it did. Very powerful filmmaking.

19. They  This film is unusual in two senses; first, because I am not aware of another film in which the fear of the dark is more effectively exploited, and conveyed; and second, because it was received poorly not because of the quality of the movie itself, but  because it had multiple endings - in all of which the good guys lose. I guess the "Hollywood ending" triumphed, because this movie didn't do at all well in theaters or on DVD.

18. The Omen (Original.) This movie made the boy's name "Damien" synonymous with evil; how much more successful do you want a movie to be?

17. Halloween  This is one of the pioneers of the "slasher" subgenre; however, John Carpenter as usual manages to make it more creepy and disturbing than bloody. Michael Myers is a seriously disturbing, and disturbed, villain - and very, very effective simply by virtue of his perceived emotionlessness.

16. A Nightmare On Elm Street  This movie is both bloody and scary as hell; Freddy Krueger is a more disturbing killer than Jason Voorhees in every way, because he's so obviously NOT emotionless. He taunts his victims, makes their deaths a cruel joke, and in every way outclasses Jason, who is ultimately just a really big, angry zombie.

15. Children Of The Corn  Satanic cultist children who've killed every adult in town in service to an invisible demon that lives in a cornfield? Combine that with clueless passers-by, and you have a recipe for nightmare. Sadly, you DON'T have a recipe for good sequels; this is the only one of the series worthy of mention.

14. Poltergeist  An American classic. This film was directed by Tobe Hooper, whose name you may recognize from the gore-fest The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is in every way superior; Hooper deftly builds the horror from a generic suburbia until seeing coffins pop out of the front lawn and spill shrieking skeletons on your porch is a good "BOO!" but not unexpected, if you follow. If you've never let yourself actually sit all the way through this movie, give it a try. It's very effective.

13. Darkness  Anna Paquin, oddly enough, is totally believable in this movie. Although the unrated DVD promises oceans of blood, that's simply not true; there's some gore in this movie, true, but the horror lies not in the deaths that occur, but in the sense of inevitability that pertains to every step in the story. The characters' actions are predetermined, and despite their desperate struggles to escape, Fate has dealt them a harsh hand indeed.

12. Rosemary's Baby  This movie is a classic for a reason. Ira Levin's screenplay builds tension and a sense of wrongness almost as expert as the next movie on the list, and the acting is simply top-notch.

11. Session 9  Abandoned asylums are already creepy. Add in an asbestos-removal crew, one of whom is homeless and living in his car, another of whom is listening to the tapes of therapy sessions conducted with the former patients, and add in the gradual disappearance of the team members, and you create a movie that is subtly, disturbingly, wrong - and that wrongness builds, until at the end of the movie you're left wondering if it was all simple insanity, or if there was a supernatural element involved, after all. A film that leaves you guessing in every way, but disturbed by the implications of the questions it makes you ask in and of themselves.

10. Alien  Unlike the more "action-movie" style sequels, the original is in every way a creepy film. There's only one alien, fine; but how do you kill it, when you have no weapons, and can't even find it? The alien seems half unstoppable killing machine, and half sadistic stalker, almost toying with the crew of the Nostromo as it kills them one-by-one in a labyrinthine cat-and-mouse game.

9. 28 Days Later  Waking up alone in a hospital would be bad enough. Finding out you're alone because everyone else in London is either dead, gone, or transformed into something I can only call a "fast zombie," and there's no help to be had; now that's horror. The zombies in this film aren't Romero's slow, deliberate creatures; they're furious, ravenous, and faster on their feet than you are. What do you do when the world has ended, and you didn't go with it?

8. Ju-On  Remade in the U.S. as "The Grudge," the original is in every way superior. Not only do the Japanese actors carry the film better than did SMG - sorry, SMG - but the non-linear storyline actually heightens the tension, as (unlike the remake,) you're never quite sure until the end of the EXACT sequence of events. Not knowing WHEN the ghost "gets" someone, but knowing that you've already seen them get "gotten," gives the film a twisted internal logic that makes it far more disturbing than the remake.

7. Ringu  Remade quite popularly as "The Ring," again this is superior to the remake. Although the director of the remake did a competent job, he didn't understand the Japanese culture enough to understand the true horror of some of the famous scenes. For example: when the ghost comes out of the TV - the character in the original is maybe 4 feet from her, and backed up against a wooden railing with nowhere to go. It's about CLAUSTROPHOBIA, and Verbinski - the American director - simply didn't understand that. He also explained the story at such great length that it overwhelmed itself a bit; the original expects you to keep up, and rewards you for doing so with one of the creepiest movies ever made, not just in the last decade, but ever.

6. The Exorcist  This movie is a classic. I will admit that for me it's not as powerful as most people make it out to be, but I'm not a Christian, and since so much of the movie's terror is based in sacrilege, some of it is simply lost on me. It's effective, despite that; a powerful, disturbing piece of filmmaking. I actually think that the film's strongest point is Regan's mother - whose name, both in and out of character, escapes me - who sells her desperation and frustration with the total indifference her daughter's predicament receives to the hilt and beyond. A brilliant acting job in every way.

5. Inner Senses  This movie borrows a few things from The Sixth Sense, but then turns them from "pretty scary" into "OMGWTF." Not only that, but it contains one of the most impossibly difficult-to-watch sequences ever on film - without any gore; and has a creepy ghost story related to the actual filmmaking itself. The lead actor of the film, some months after the film was complete, committed suicide - in the exact fashion the ghost in the film was trying to induce - from the same building - after leaving a note stating that he was being haunted by the spirit whose story is revealed in this creepy, tragic, sad movie. It's somewhat hard to find in the U. S., but I urge you to check it out.

4. The Thing  John Carpenter achieved with this film something that has been done only with extreme rarity in Hollywood - the faithful translation of a work of fiction to the screen. Based on - to the point of taking dialogue directly from - John W. Campbell, Jr.'s excellent novella "Who Goes There?" this film is one of the most effective exercises in paranoia ever put together. Imagine, if you will, an alien creature with the ability to mimic any living thing so perfectly that it is undetectable to medicine. Now imagine that you are trapped in an Antarctic research station during a blizzard, and YOU DON'T KNOW how many of the other people trapped with you are "things" and how many are still human. A classic in every way, the director's cut of this belongs on every horror aficionado's DVD rack. *As a note, the "sequel," was made as a game - a really excellent game, in fact, which picks up the story after the movie leaves off.*

3. The Blair Witch Project  So does this. TBWP did something never really done before - it didn't tell the actors what was going on either. Basically, the actors were taken out in the woods, given cameras, and then the film crews screwed with them to scare the crap out of them. The "big reveal" that sells out the terror in most films never happens with this one; at the end of the movie, you're left knowing something awful happened, but not knowing what it was. Effective at every level, this film works even if you're the world's biggest skeptic, simply because the actors aren't trying to sell anything; they're really scared. Reality is the biggest "realism" you can get.

2. Kairo  I actually hesitate to mention the fact that this was remade, because the American version was so monumentally terrible that the mere naming of it might prevent you from seeing this unbelievably creepy movie. This movie is a ghost story in the best way; the ghosts are ourselves, and the revelation of their goals comes as the culmination of a progression of creepiness that is a winner in my book. If you have any skin left after this film, you're tough - mine crawled off and went next door.

1. The Shining. (Original.) How much do I have to tell you about this? Stanley Kubrick set the bar, and no-one's ever even come close. This movie is the creepiest movie ever made, by a mile. At times, it's actually difficult to watch, not because of the grotesquerie onscreen, but because you want to crawl under a blanket and hope that the chick from Ju-On won't get you.



Honorable Mentions:

Dark Water. (The remake, oddly enough.) While the original was certainly competent and creepy, the remake brings in an aspect of insanity that adds to the overall wrongness inherent in this excellent film. Jennifer Connelly sells it, every inch; while not good enough to be in the top 25, if this had been a 30 list, it would be there.

The Eye 2. This movie didn't make the list only because the ending is so oddly hopeful. The rest of the film is so breathtakingly disturbing that it's hard to describe. However, I will say this. At the end of the film, there came a moment where I paused the DVD, turned to Tara, and said "Now, if I were making this, it would end like this..." and unpaused, only to see the exact scene I described unreel before my eyes. An amazing film; the Pang brothers rock.

Ringu 2. Again superior to - and in fact almost totally unrelated to - its remake, Ringu 2 has one of the most excellently creepy single scenes ever filmed right smack in its middle; sadly, it's not strong enough to make the list, but is an excellent film nonetheless, and sits proudly on my DVD rack.

Suicide Circle. This movie is so AMAZINGLY bloody that it stayed off the list just based on its gore factor - but it is in fact quite creepy. It takes more than one viewing to really "get it," though; it didn't soak all the way in for me until I had watched it a second time. The first time, I just thought that the director smoked a huge crack rock about halfway through. The second time, though, I began to realize that this is one of the better horror movies I've ever seen. If you have a strong stomach, give it a chance, if you can find it. But remember to watch it twice.

The Sixth Sense. This movie seems a shoe-in for the list, except for the fact that it has a "happy" ending. It's almost a pure ghost story, and despite his subsequent movies' lack of equal success, M. Night Shyamalan has created here an outstanding movie, with meticulous attention to detail that gives the clues needed to solve its puzzle while skillfully misdirecting you in a sort of directorial prestidigitation that leaves you shocked when you see the ending the first time, despite the clues being glaringly obvious on a second viewing. It's that second viewing that keeps it off the list; once you get the twist, the creepiness is mostly gone.

Suspiria. This movie is a classic, but honestly, I've never thought of it as anything like as strong as its hype. Feel free to disagree; there are those who swear it's the best horror film ever made, and they're welcome to their opinion. It's a strong film, but just didn't make the cut, IMO.

Audition. Off the list because at its core it's hardcore S&M. Very, very horrifying S&M. I'd actually count this one as a double entry for Audition and Hostel - both are the same type of movie, although Audition is slower-paced, which I think gives the resolution a bit more kick.

The Birds. Off the list because Tippi Hedrin CANNOT FUCKING ACT. The movie is in every way superior, EXCEPT for Tippi Hedrin's utterly unbearable overacting.

The Quiet Earth. Off the list because ultimately, it's Sci-Fi, not horror; but let me ask this. How would you like it if you woke up one morning and found out that you were the last living human in the entire world - all the others except the dead having vanished into thin air - and then found out that it was your fault? I didn't think you would.

Event Horizon. Sci-Fi horror at its finest. What if you send out an experimental spaceship, and it vanished - and then came back years later? The Event Horizon is a classic "ghost ship" story in every way, and wildly effective; it's kept off the list because it's MY list, and the lack of attention to detail by the director drove me up the wall. It's effective, and creepy; scary as hell, and definitely worth watching. Just don't pay attention to the length of time of the recording they play back repeatedly, as it changes significantly each time they hear it.

Phantasm 2. Much better than the first, with better effects, a more mature storyline, and the Tall Man, this is one of my "guilty pleasure" movies; I watch it whenever I see it come on TV. One of these days I will see it for sale somewhere on DVD, and snap it up. Better than all the other movies in the series, combined. Not quite up to the standard set by the rest of the list, but fun as hell nonetheless.



And then, there's the games - same criteria.



10.  System Shock 2. A ghost ship, inhabited by the mutated remnants of its crew, who beg for death as they try to kill you, and an insane AI make this a solid, creepy game. Even if it is old.

9.  Dark Seed. Older by a good bit than SS2, this game is a horror classic, blending nightmare into reality in a fashion determined by your play - the longer you take, the more disturbing your circumstances get.

8.  Clock Tower. I heard a quote that said it pretty well: the problem with survival in a horror game is that you have to keep doing it. The killer in Clock Tower is remorseless, relentless, and physically unstoppable; the best you can do is hide from him - or watch youself get impaled on gigantic garden shears, over and over. Scissorman pops up in a fashion I wish the makers of Doom 3 had emulated - UNPREDICTABLY. You never know when he's going to show up and ruin your day. Too many wanna-be creepy games - like Doom 3 - make the mistake of making the enemy spawns so commonplace that there's no paranoia. This game is excellently paranoid. Slow-paced, severely creepy, and paranoid in the extreme.

7.  Eternal Darkness. This game actually crosses a boundary of some sort, making you question whether ANYTHING that happens in the game "in fact" happened, or if it's merely the game showing off how brilliantly crazy it really is again. Nothing is certain; nothing is fixed; and nothing is ever, ever, ever something you can rely on. If that doesn't induce paranoia, nothing can.

6.  Fatal Frame. Armed only with a camera, you venture into the most haunted house anywhere ever. Since so much of the game takes place through the lens of the camera, it's almost as though you, the player, are making your own horror movie, and deciding through your pictures how creepy you want it to be. Severely disturbing, in every way.

5.  Resident Evil 1 (Remake) The original was limited in great degree by the Playstation hardware; the GameCube remake is vastly better, both in terms of playability and in terms of visuals. Although elements of "Boo!" and gore both exist in great degree, the fact that the main characters don't actually know what's going on outside of "there's zombies, wtf," lends itself to a creeping nervousness every time you approach a door or corner.

4.  Fatal Frame 2. Why stop at a haunted house, when you can have a whole haunted TOWN? Armed again with a simple camera, you quickly find yourself becoming more and more caught up in a ghost story whose every revelation deepens the horror. Excellent sound work, combined with visuals easily the equal of those in Ringu or Ju-On, make an evil alchemy indeed.

3.  Clock Tower 3. What's more horrifying than an unarmed victim fleeing an unstoppable killer? Well, an unarmed 13-year-old girl fleeing an unstoppable UNDEAD killer, whose mere presence can scare her so badly she actually runs in circles aimlessly rather than obeying the controls. Alyssa can be scared to a point where she will attempt to flee her hiding place - often right into the arms of the enemy. For me, this game had me when I was stalking clues about the first killer - and hid behind a curtain to escape him. He came right up to the curtain, sniffed, and said "Alyssa... I can smell you... Come out, Alyssa...." Rock. On.

2.  Silent Hill. Having a car accident is bad. Waking up to find your daughter missing is worse. Finding out you're trapped in a suburb of Hell, and somehow your daughter is at the center of the forces that conspired to make it that way, is so wrong it doesn't even allow description. This game succeeds on every level, and I hope at some point Sony has the genius to beg, on bended knee, to get Konami to remake it for the PS3. One of the things that works the most in this game's favor is the fact that the protagonist is NOT a trained officer of some kind - Harry Mason is an everyday Joe Schmoe if ever there was one. He gets out of breath if he runs too far, can't shoot to save his ass - literally - and trips and falls down trying to jump off a porch. It endears you to the character - and ties you more viscerally to the horror of what he witnesses.

1.  Silent Hill 2. This game edges out the first for several reasons, not least of which is the fact that as you progress you begin to realize that the hero, James Sunderland, is not much of a "hero" at all, and may in fact be in Silent Hill for a good reason. Beginning with his receipt of a letter from his wife - who's been dead for some time - James descends into a Hell ultimately of his own manufacture, at every step making the decisions that lead him deeper, in an unstoppable progression of horror and unremitting paranoia. This game - and the series as a whole - exploits the fear of the dark, and fear of the unknown, with great expertise, along with effective sound work and gruelingly terrifying lack of surety. Like Eternal Darkness, nothing in Silent Hill is what it seems, but in Silent Hill, what you don't know may just leave you alive. Ultimately, that can sometimes be worse.



Honorable Mention:

The Suffering. Haunted prison = scary. Haunted prison in which the ghosts are killing the guards and inmates around you, and stalking you, is worse. The moment that this game tips over into genius is the moment where you realize that the ghosts are herding you, towards a revelation that depends on your behavior in the game itself. This game would be much weaker without the multiple endings; thankfully, the developers had the good sense to see that the character must change during the course of the game, and that those changes should change the ending. Not revolutionary; not genre-changing, but skillful and competent, with abundant scares, enough gore to satisfy the gross-out fans, sound work that should win some kind of award, action galore, and a storyline that makes your every decision critically important to the outcome, however minor it seems at the time.



There you go; bearing in mind that all of these are based on nothing more than my opinion, that's my list of the scariest movies and games ever made.



Happy Samhain!

Universal To Fans: STOP LIKING FIREFLY!! DAMN YOU!!

Ok.



I'm gonna tell you a story.



A couple of years ago, there was a TV show. It was science fiction. It was called Firefly.



Because it aired on a major network, and broadcast execs don't give a damn about SF, they stuck it in a bizarre time slot where it drew essentially no notice at all; then cancelled it after the 12th episode - of 14 - aired.



But there were fans. And they made noise.

So much noise, in fact, and for so long, that the creators of the show were - amazingly enough - able to get funding and support from Universal Studios to make  a feature film from the series.



This just does not happen, folks. A theatrical movie from a TV show cancelled in its first season? Totally unheard of.



At any rate, the movie, "Serenity," was released in theaters, and then on DVD. The fans, the utterly incredible fans, of this "intellectual property," that Universal owns, generated FORTY-FIVE MILLION DOLLARS in ticket and DVD sales for the movie.



They go to conventions.



They run fan websites.



They write fiction.



And, because Universal decided they didn't need the extra money from T-shirt and merchandise sales, they make and sell T-shirts.



All that, however, is going to stop.



Because Universal does not want you to like their movie.



What do I mean by this?



Well, a few weeks ago, the major producer of Firefly / Serenity derivative T-shirts and merchandise, 11th Hour, got notified that Universal was going to pursue copyright actions against them if they didn't stop selling merchandise for "Universal's valuable intellectual property."



Well, that sucks, especially since Universal didn't bother to sell any of it themselves. But, hey, they're right; it's their right to say "you can't do that." So, 11th Hour took down all the "offending" artwork, T-shirts, and merchandise, stopped selling them, and removed all the infringing content from their CafePress shop.



That, apparently, isn't good enough.



Universal is suing them, for $8750 in "retroactive licensing fees," which if I understand the premise of licensing fees, invalidates the rest of their claim, for reasons I will discuss in a minute.



They're also suing for $150,000 in statutory damages - for each item of Firefly / Serenity merchandise sold. That's millions upon millions of dollars. I guess they want to make money on this movie, after all.



But that's not all. They also want the 11th Hour shop closed permanently; all merchandise produced by them to be turned over to Universal; and for 11th Hour to:



"That, no later than close of business on October 30, 2006, 11th Hour Art agree in writing to permanently cease and desist from the advertising, promoting, marketing, sale or distribution of any products bearing or referring to Universal Property"



Oooooook. So, we're also, as fans, supposed to stop word-of-mouthing your "valuable intellectual property" around, lest we face copyright lawsuits?



Do they honestly not understand that the value of the property lies in how much people will pay for it? If no-one will pay for it - because they've never heard of it - then it is worthless. Universal isn't marketing it; in fact, they've done nearly everything in their power to get rid of it. They canceled the original TV series, refused to market or advertise the movie, and haven't sold merchandise.



ONE HUNDRED PERCENT of the value retained by this brand and franchise comes from the fans and their word of mouth. But now they have to stop talking about it, because Universal doesn't want to make money on it.



But the legal claim is invalid in its totality, based on its first requirement. And I'll explain why.



The bulk of the document refers to requirements that the 11th Hour Art people stop using their property in an unauthorized fashion, which is retarded, but legal. However, since they also ask for licensing fees, they invalidate their own subsequent claims, because the purpose and intent of licensing fees is to ensure that the payer of such fees is entitled to use the property.



That's the whole point of licensing fees.



So, if 11th Hour complies and pays the fees, the rest of the claim should not be (it WILL be, because we don't have judges in this country, regardless of political affiliation, seated in any court of law at any level, at all, anywhere, who deserve to sit at the bench) actionable at all; paying the licensing fees would grant a retroactive title to use the property, specifically for the purpose of selling merchandise for a property of which Universal has washed its hands.



Sadly, the end result will no doubt be that 11th Hour will be put out of business. And Firefly will finally, truly die, not because the fans didn't love it, but because Universal hates the fans.

Why Not To Play New Games On Old Computer Hardware...

Ok.



I am a gamer. There, I said it.



You now have an image of me that's mostly not true. I do have an outside life, a job, friends; my skin has seen the sun more than once this year.



I admit that Warhammer 40K totally geeks me out.



So, mostly not true. Some of it is; some of it's not.



But I know a hell of a lot about computer stuff. This is because I'm a gamer; I've been tweaking hardware to run games since there were hardware DIP switches on the motherboard.



As such, I've installed countless graphics cards and upgrades; swapped hard disks, memory, and even system boards more often than I like to really admit; installed drivers so often my head spins; and reinstalled Windows so many times I reflexively hum along with the Windows XP startup sound.



But I've never, ever seen what happened to us the other day.



When you install a new computer game, the first thing it does is typically examine your hardware and determine what settings your computer can run it at.



This makes a bit of difficulty for game companies, because they have to write their games to work on a huge range of hardware, from the most impressive new cool toys, to grandma's kludgy 800MHz from 7 years ago.



Mostly, they do a good job. The really cool special effects are only available to those with the money for the really crazy systems, but that doesn't mean the game can't run on grandma's machine; it just means it will look like something run on grandma's machine.



For example; Half-Life 2. Came out last year, so it's not BRAND-brand new, but pretty top-of-the-line in any event. It ran fine on our computer, as long as we left some of the settings at less than highest - like, "high" instead of "omgwtf."



Good framerate, no stutters, no heat issues, everything A-OK.



And then, we tried out Oblivion.



For those of you who don't know, or care, Oblivion is the fourth in an open-ended series of games called "The Elder Scrolls," by Bethesda Softworks. The series has been a serious contender for best RPG series ever, ever since the get-go.



Being as I had played the first three, and Tara loved the third one, we decided to give it a go.



Minor mistake.



I say minor for reasons I will explain later.



At any rate, it installed fine; after a minor bobble with Bink Video, the opening movie played fine; and we went into the options. Oblivion had suggested its lowest graphics settings, after its hardware scan; we tried it.



We should never have even attempted it.



The first thing we noticed was a framerate of maybe 3? Or 4? Frames per second. Bad sign.

The second thing we noticed was white-out textures, everywhere. It rendered surfaces fine; you could see 3D objects; but the graphics card in my wife's computer was not equipped to render and fill at the same time with that much detail, apparently.



So, we exited out, disappointed, and decided to keep it in case of a pretty serious hardware upgrade in the future.



We had no idea how soon that was due to happen.



Soon after (about 30 minutes) we exited Oblivion, and went back to Windows-land, we started seeing screen flickers. (WTF?) Then, the computer crashed. (!!!) After rebooting, it crashed again. (OMGWTF!?!)



So, I opened it up, figuring I could change the graphics card for the one from my defunct computer, since it was more powerful, and maybe we might be able to play Oblivion on mine. (This is the reason it was a minor mistake, BTW - if I hadn't still had mine, we would have been SOL, for sure.)



Pulled out Tara's graphics card - an MSI GeForce 4 Ti4800 SE, for those of you who give a damn.



This is what I saw.

You probably don't see it yet. Let me show you.





Notice that there's no MSI logo to be found. There was when I installed the card. Hmmmmmm...





Upon closer inspection, I noticed something odd. Take another look.





WTF?!? Not only is the sticker gone, the fan housing is... Melted?!?





OMGWTF?!?





Yeah, that's heat damage. Attempting to play Oblivion on the GeForce 4 card LITERALLY MELTED THE FUCKING GRAPHICS CARD.



Excuse me while I don't rape my Radeon 9800 Pro with this game, thanks.



I can understand if the game detects hardware that can't play, and says "You can't play!"

Really, I do.



But "You can play, just not as well," and then MELTING AND DESTROYING my computer hardware? There goes a good chunk of change.



Lessons learned; "Oblivion is too cool for us," as Tara so eloquently puts it.

In This Post: I Embrace My Inner Sci-Fi Geek.

I've talked before about the new Battlestar Galactica.

My faith has been justified by the first 4 episodes of Season 3.

SPOILERS ABOUND, so if you're a fan but have not yet watched Friday's episode, "Exodus, Part 2," you might want to watch it first.

Since the season began, they have:

• Suicide-bombed the Cylons, and their collaborators;*Had a gun to the head of Baltar not once but TWICE;
• Let Starbuck kill the same Cylon (Leoben) SIX TIMES;
• Split the fleet, returning Galactica to New Caprica, while Pegasus guards the civvies;
• Set up a ton of conflicts among the civvies - and the military - as the identities of the collaborators are revealed;
• Made Col. Tigh AWESOME; (Note: !!!!!)
• Warned the Cylons that if they ever got hold of the hybrid baby, Hera, that "everything they've worked for" would be destroyed.
• Starbuck's a mommy?!?
  

But Friday night was maybe one of the best episodes of the show to date. Top five, for sure.


Let's see...

• Col. Tigh killed his wife for collaborating with the Cylons. That was a big moment.
• Gaeta backed down from Baltar again, telling him to "redeem" himself, by stopping the Cylons from nuking New Caprica.
• Baltar told the Cylon leadership that the solution to all their problems with humanity was "Leave," which was his best bit in a while.
• Speaking of Baltar, we also saw the return of his hallucinatory Number Six, even if only for a minute. She bailed as soon as Caprica showed up.
• The Cylons got hold of Hera; if the warning they got was legitimate, they're in serious trouble stemming from her.
• Starbuck's not a mommy. Big surprise, but only to her.
• Admiral Adama DROPPED THE GALACTICA INTO NEW CAPRICA'S ATMOSPHERE. Coolest shot in a TV show, ever. Bar none. MUCH OMGWTF.
• Pegasus was destroyed playing "rescuing cavalry," but in the process took out not one, not two, but THREE Cylon Base Stars.
• The colonists were successfully evacuated, and most of the civvie fleet ships recovered.
• Hail the returning savior; Admiral Adama is now considered everybody's hero; it'll be a long time before we see any more of the Season One conflict of government between him and whoever becomes the new president of the colonies.
• Baltar is with the Cylons for the duration apparently; he wussed out and didn't shoot D'Anna in the back when he could've, so, off he goes to a Base Star, just like in the original series.
  

We now know quite a few of the twelve Cylon models:

• Three (D'Anna Biers)
• Five (Aaron Doral)
• Six (Caprica / Gina / Shelly Godfrey)
• Eight (Sharon / Boomer)

Those with no known numbers so far:

• Leoben Conoy
• Brother Cavil
• Simon

Only five more to go; we'll know whether Ellen Tigh was in fact a Cylon, as Admiral Adama initially suspected, if she ever shows up again. Anyway, there are quite a few cast members under suspicion of being a Cylon sleeper agent.

I totally want some of these shirts. Because I am a huge geek. But this is the best TV show ever made, man, seriously. If you've never watched it, give it a chance.

What else, lemme see...

...Oh, yeah.


Just thought I'd share.

Best. Joan. Rivers. Moment. EVAR.

You may not realize it, but Joan Rivers actually hosted some great guests on her bizarre talk show.



You think I'm kidding?



I never kid.™

Goat, maybe.

Pimping A Blog, Plus Mid-Term Elections, All In One Post!

OK.



For those of you who don't read, chipmkr420 is an often quite insightful blogger, who I met through Sheila.



He's just put up a good article about the upcoming election, which prompted me to write a "comment"  I decided to make it a blog post.



Read his article first; it'll give you the necessary background on what I'm gonna say.



Ready?



Good.



Hopefully both parties will receive a huge makeover, top to bottom, regardless of who wins.



Doubtful, but hopefully.



As you say, the Democrats don't actually HAVE an agenda - at least not one they're willing to admit to. The reason for this, I suspect, is that they remember the last time they ran on an agenda, and how badly the voters rejected it. However, that would simply make things even worse for them in the long run.



If the Dems win, and begin advancing their agenda, their future success depends upon one factor: whether or not they prove themselves to be any different. They've built their campaigns on "We're not Republicans," and as long as the average voter perceives that to be true, fine.



The problem is that despite the polls, the general perception in this country is that Dems are soft on national security. If the Dems get control of Congress and then start playing "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss," they will find themselves in dire trouble, sure enough, in the next election, as the voters decide to pick security and corruption, over corruption all by itself.



Considering the Republicans will no doubt have undergone a major political restructuring in the meantime, this could result in a disaster for the Democrats of monumental proportions.



The Dems don't seem to realize it, but the best outcome possible for them would be for the Republicans to win this election - by a good margin - and things to continue as they are. If the situation continues with the same leadership until 2008, they are virtually certain to be able to put anyone they want in office as President, and take a huge chunk of Congress away from the Republicans.



Winning Congress now, however, will merely highlight their failings immediately before a Presidential election in which their likely candidates are Hillary Clinton - a disaster waiting to happen - and John Kerry again, who would simply bore people out of voting for him, just like he did last time.



The Republicans, on the other hand, are likely to run Rudy Giuliani, who may not have the name recognition Hillary does, but will make her look like a punk in the debates. (Not, of course, that anyone watches them; I remember everyone running around after the 2004 debates, which Bush and Cheney clearly won - to the point of absurdity - saying "Kerry won," because the media stuck its fingers in its ears and went "la la la" to any suggestion otherwise.)



Now, the Republicans don't seem to have realized it, but they have a guaranteed win candidate if Hillary runs; Dr. Condoleeza Rice. They don't seem to be making any plans to run her; but if they did, she's a minority; staunchly conservative; strong on security; female, thus splitting the women's vote - nearly impossible to beat. All she'd have to do is campaign "I'm not a rich white woman" and Hillary would be sunk.



Anyway, as I said, I suspect that seeing the Democrats win Congress this go-round would herald the collapse, long-term, of the Democrats, not the Republicans; their victory in this election would lead to a sense of voter betrayal far more profound than that currently directed at the Republicans. We'd see, maybe 2 elections down the road, a Republican hegemony of the Congress just like that of the Democrats during the Carter / Reagan / Bush 1 years.



I'm not convinced at this point that either party is capable of governing adequately. We need more libertarians in office, IMO.

Ok, NOW I'm Ashamed. I Have Failed You All.

I'm sure some of you remember my posting a while back about immigration, and specifically telling you about the letter I sent out to my Senators / Representative bitching about their idiocy and telling them not to do anymore of it.



But I find out now that I am merely small fry; I have failed you all.



This guy here lays down more LOL and OMGWTF in one letter than I could have dreamed of presenting.



To save you all the time and trouble of clicking the link and waiting for the page to load, although IT IS NOT MY WORK (dammit!) I am reposting here the letter sent to Senator Paul Sarbanes of Maryland, by one of his constituents.



Dear Senator Sarbanes:

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Immigration and Naturalization Service in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.



My reasons for wishing to change my status from U.S. citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, what I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years.



I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year, so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of the last five years taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively?

This would yield an excellent return for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005 and I estimated a gross savings approximating $72,000. After the fine this would yield me a net savings of $70,000.



In addition, I would reap the other benefits of being an illegal alien such as free health care, avoidance of paying Social Security taxes, buying automobile insurance, serving on jury panels, etc. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative.



Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent



Submitted by Glenn O.



I feel like such a slacker.

Body Counts, And More Damn Lies... Errr, I Mean Statistics

First things first.
For those of you who don't know, the Lancet, a medical journal, has published a study in which they claim that their best guess as to the numbers of Iraqis killed since the beginning of the war is about 655,000.

I was gonna do a whole long post about how this is obviously bullshit.

Until it turned out that someone else already did it for me.
So, instead, I'm going to post big chunks of their article with my snide commentary just to help it along. Sound like fun? Good.
As Stephen Colbert puts it: "Strap yourselves in, America, you're about to get a truth-o-cution!"

A new study has been released by the Lancet medical journal estimating over 650,000 excess deaths in Iraq. The Iraqi mortality estimates published in the Lancet in October 2006 imply, among other things, that:

1. On average, a thousand Iraqis have been violently killed every single day in the first half of 2006, with less than a tenth of them being noticed by any public surveillance mechanisms;
2. Some 800,000 or more Iraqis suffered blast wounds and other serious conflict-related injuries in the past two years, but less than a tenth of them received any kind of hospital treatment;
3. Over 7% of the entire adult male population of Iraq has already been killed in violence, with no less than 10% in the worst affected areas covering most of central Iraq;
4. Half a million death certificates were received by families which were never officially recorded as having been issued;
5. The Coalition has killed far more Iraqis in the last year than in earlier years containing the initial massive "Shock and Awe" invasion and the major assaults on Falluja.

If these assertions are true, they further imply:

* incompetence and/or fraud on a truly massive scale by Iraqi officials in hospitals and ministries, on a local, regional and national level, perfectly coordinated from the moment the occupation began;
* bizarre and self-destructive behaviour on the part of all but a small minority of 800,000 injured, mostly non-combatant, Iraqis;
* the utter failure of local or external agencies to notice and respond to a decimation of the adult male population in key urban areas;
* an abject failure of the media, Iraqi as well as international, to observe that Coalition-caused events of the scale they reported during the three-week invasion in 2003 have been occurring every month for over a year.

In the light of such extreme and improbable implications, a rational alternative conclusion to be considered is that the authors have drawn conclusions from unrepresentative data. In addition, totals of the magnitude generated by this study are unnecessary to brand the invasion and occupation of Iraq a human and strategic tragedy.

Before we get started, this article whose content I am reposting is from Iraq Body Count, a site which has been keeping a triple-fact-checked body count of Iraqi casualties since the war began. Note that unlike the Lancet study, IBC's work comes from death certificates issued; witnessed deaths; police and media reports; and is cross-checked by no less than three different team members before its data is added to the body count.

As such, I am more inclined to trust their estimate of figures than that of the Lancet, which according to their own article, covers a range of 392, 979 – 942, 636 for excess deaths since the invasion. (An excess death being one over the statistical norm for a peacetime period in the same area.)

Let's address this in several steps, shall we? First, the margin of error. This is the big bugaboo in this study; the margin of error in the study's results is 549,657. That is, for those of you not math- or calculator-equipped, a 58.3 % margin of error.

FIFTY-EIGHT PERCENT.

The defenders of this study have gone on and on about the fact that "cluster-sampling" (the method used to come up with these numbers,) is a standard, acceptable statistical practice. This is true; however, to those staunch defenders I would note that if properly used, it usually results in a margin of error closer to FIVE percent. Look at the election day "guesses" on TV; this same method is used to determine their numbers. Note the little blurb at the bottom of the screen, saying the margin of error - 5%. 3%. 4%. Tiny percentages of error.

This says that although the methodology of the study might very well have been a standard, valid method, it was misapplied with a vengeance by the Lancet researchers.

I want to emphasize that number again. FIFTY-EIGHT PERCENT margin of error.

The much ballyhooed 655,000 number that the Lancet is using as their official "estimate" of excess deaths in Iraq is the median number.

Now, the lowest estimate number, the not - quite - 400, 000 one, is already vastly higher than any estimate thus far published, even by those speculating wildly, but I'd actually be prepared to accept it as somewhat believable, simply because the Iraqis don't like us much and don't report in when they're injured; but 650, 000? You have got to be fucking kidding me.

Let me put it in perspective.

The Lancet study delivers a guesstimate of 1,000 deaths per day in Iraq. The U. N. figures, and those of the Iraqi Ministry of Health, come to about 80 per day. I'm prepared to accept that a lot of deaths go unreported, but 920 per day? 12 times as many as ARE reported?

Bullshit.

You know what I'm gonna say.
But Wait, There's More!™

IBC points out this gem:

If 600,000 people have died violent deaths, then the 3:1 ratio implies that 1,800,000 Iraqis have by now been wounded. This would correspond to 1 in every 15 Iraqis.

And follows that up with this:

This yields a revised Lancet-based estimate of 800,000 wounded over the equivalent period for which the MoH has been collecting this information centrally. In that same two-year period the official total of wounded treated in Iraqi hospitals is recorded as 59,372.

Whether hospitals can provide a comprehensive tally of violent deaths or not, their knowledge of seriously injured should be much more complete.

Accepting the Lancet estimate would entail concluding that at least 740,000 wounded Iraqis (90% of the total) were not treated or, if treated, not recorded in any way, throughout a 2-year period beginning in mid-2004. It may be that many injured anti-occupation combatants have avoided hospitals to prevent identification or arrest, but they are hardly likely to account for more than a small fraction of this discrepancy. It would further imply that approaching 90% of Lancet's deaths are also of combatants.

Note that this implies that far, far, far more injured Iraqis have been simply walking around, wounded, rather than being treated. The Ministry of Health estimates 60,000 injured have been treated in the Iraqi hospitals.

Not 1.8 million. 60,000. That's a HUGE difference, and makes the Lancet study questionable in and of itself.

But Wait, There's More!™

The Lancet study also assumes that the Ministry of Health figures are false, anyway; they claim that they relied on death certificates for 81% of their "confirmed" deaths, but in fact the Ministry of Health has records of issuing only about a tenth of the death certificates counted by the Lancet researchers. The Lancet dismisses this as unimportant, claiming that:

"Even with the death certificate system, only about one-third of deaths were captured by the government's surveillance system in the years before the current war, according to informed sources in Iraq. At a death rate of 5/1,000/year, in a population of 24 million, the government should have reported 120,000 deaths annually. In 2002, the government documented less than 40,000 from all sources. The ministry's numbers are not likely to be more complete or accurate today."

Except they're lying outright; the Ministry of Health recorded 84, 205 deaths in 2002, excluding Kurdistan. Which means that the Ministry of Health figures are 70% of the Lancet's estimate for that year, not a third.

This means that unless the accuracy of the Ministry of Health's recordkeeping has completely fallen off - and there's no evidence that it has; they use the same methods now that they did 4 years ago - the Lancet study's figures should be reflected in a Ministry of Health casualty figure of about 460, 000.

Sadly, it's not. The Ministry of Health recorded 115, 785 deaths in 2005 - 320 per day. Note that this isn't "war deaths," but TOTAL deaths. The Lancet study, which purports to be estimating the number of WAR DEATHS, is estimating at a minimum - a MINIMUM - four times that many.

Let's take a look at what happens when you add the other 30% to the MoH's figures, shall we? According to the existing correlation between the MoH's figures and those of the Lancet's BAD-ASS SCIENCE, you'd get a figure of approximately 165, 407 total deaths in Iraq for 2005. That's a lot, but that is ALL deaths, not "war deaths."

Let's see how that adds up, shall we? If we assume that this death rate has held relatively steady - it hasn't, but let's anyway - since we invaded in 2003, we get a total since - the - invasion death toll of 496, 221. That's just over the absolute lowest figure the Lancet study estimates as the number MORE deaths there have been since the war started than there normally are.

The Lancet is estimating that there were more war deaths in Iraq in 2005 than there were actual, total deaths in Iraq in 2005. Read that again, more carefully.

THE LANCET IS ESTIMATING MORE WAR DEATHS THAN THERE WERE TOTAL DEATHS.

Does anyone still believe this study isn't completely full of shit?

Being That No-One Notices Feeds Anyway...

...I just posted a somewhat lengthy discussion of the recent Lancet study of the casualty figures in Iraq on XenosParadox.



Apey suggested that I link it here, so you guys can have an easier time going to go see it; she thought it might be of general interest.



That being the case, although I view that with some skepticism, here it is.



Enjoy!

Rocket Ride!!

Ok, this is old news, but the video was so good I decided to share it anyway.

Remember me bitching at some length about the media's ongoing complicity with Hezbollah in the conflict with Israel?

Remember me pointing out several points of clear, open bullshit in their coverage of events in Lebanon?

I missed one.

Yeah, I know. "OMGWTF, dude, you're slacking." Cut me a break. I've been busy.

At any rate, one of the BIG OMGWTF NEWS STORIES WOOOO! was about this "ambulance" that got hit by two missiles. Of course, since only Americans and Israelis can use missiles, it was the Israelis that were at fault.

Nobody stopped to ask how the guy inside the ambulance survived his ambulance getting hit by two ANTI-TANK MISSILES.

Well, except these folks.

Now, THAT'S funny, IMO.

Except now, you can't watch it. Know why? Because YouTube decided it somehow violated their terms of use. It's ok, apparently, to post videos supporting al-Qaeda, but not to post a video pointing out obvious fakery and lying in the news and reporting of the Middle East.

So, the guys who made the Rocket Ride video had something to say to YouTube. I'll help them out.


[*Edited to add: Found another copy of this great video! now it's restored!*]

It's A Bird! It's A Plane! It's A Flying Laser Death Ray! ...Wait, What?

So, in their infinite genius, Defense Department contractors L-3 Communications, Brashear, Hytec, and Boeing have managed to make science fiction a reality, just in time to create a future huge waste of taxpayer money.



The cool part first: they've developed and are testing a high-energy LASER cannon, which is designed to engage targets from an airborne platform - they can mount it on a plane, and blow the shit out of North Korean missile silos and mobile nuke launchers with it.



That's cool, right? LEOS is cool. Blowing the shit out of stuff with a LASER DEATH RAY is cool. I'm so for that.



There's just one tiny problem.



They're putting it on a C-130H.  Now, I will grant that the C-130H has better engines than its predecessors and greater fuel capacity and thus speed and range - but it's still a HUGE, NOT STEALTHY, UNARMED TRANSPORT PLANE. It's a PROPELLER plane, so even at its greatest airspeed, it's not what you could call "fast." 366 MPH is not fast for a military aircraft.



To make my point more clear, the North Koreans have a huge number of SA-5 anti-aircraft missiles.  The SA-5 travels approximately 8 times faster than the C-130H; it has a range of about 250 miles. Since the C-130H has no defense systems whatsoever besides flares, unless the pilots are very, very lucky, if an SA-5 should be fired at the C-130H, the C-130H is pretty much toast.



But, whyever would the C-130H get an SA-5 fired at it? I mean, it's just an innocuous transport plane, right? Why waste a valuable air defense missile on it?



...Oh, right, the multimillion dollar high-energy LASER cannon on it. Right.



The C-130H has no stealth characteristics. It is an enormous flying kielbasa, detectable on RADAR from a really, really long way away. North Korea has invested a significant portion of their Gross National Product, for 50 years, in air defense. They have stockpiles of missiles that beggar the imagination, along with beggaring the North Korean peasants who have lived on tiny portions of rice a day for two generations to buy them.



And if Kim Jong-Il's military sees this incredibly obvious, juicy, dangerous-if-left-unmolested target flying very slowly towards them, the cloud of SA-5's that will rise will blot out the sun, and inevitably it will blot out the ATL-ATCD as well.



The C-130H's maximum sustainable payload is 42, 000 pounds - 21 tons. By comparison, the B-2 "Stealth" Bomber has a maximum payload of 40,000 pounds - 20 tons. It flies nearly twice as high; nearly twice as fast; is "low-observable" on radar; and is designed for airborne weapons delivery. Granted, it costs a shitload more money (1.1 BILLION dollars -  waaaaaay more than the C-130H's paltry 30 million,) but it's also a lot more difficult to even find, much less shoot down.



Maybe you eggheads could have gotten someone with some common fucking sense into the team too; they could have told you that spending more money on the delivery system is worth it if the fucking thing COMES BACK.



[*A note: for those of you who wonder why I capitalize the "word" LASER, it's because it's an acronym - Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation. RADAR is one too; Radio Detection And Ranging. The More You Know.*]

Best. Phone Call. EVAR.

Mkay. You may or may not have heard of comedian Tom Mabe; if you haven't, his whole deal is that he screws with telemarketers.



Badly.



Now, usually, this is funny, but not OMGWTFROFL.



This isn't usually.



This time he hit it clean out of the park - enough to almost (but not quite) feel some sympathy for the pitiful telemarketer.



Want to hear?



Ok, then, you asked for it.

\r\n
\r\nNow, I think that's...
\r\n
\r\nI fell straight the hell off my LOLLerskates.
\r\n
\r\nI mean, damn.
\r\n

The Islamic Bomb!

Did you know that Pakistan's nuclear program has a GeoCities page?



Well, it does.



One of its many informative features is a little graphic showing the ranges of the various missiles (and their associated warheads) available to Pakistan. This graphic is more informative by its nature, I think, than they actually intended.



But why describe? Isn't a picture worth a thousand words?

Look! Look at how much of India we can blow up! WooooO!



And exactly WTF is an Islamic Bomb, you ask? I don't know; but that's what they said it was on their page. I fear the Islamic bomb; Tara wouldn't look good in a burqa, and I don't want to be stoned for being a Quantist. If it performs as per its name, we may be in real danger. Imagine! *Poof!* Allah is mighty!





Sheesh.

Two Reasons This Rat Is Jumping Ship.

Ok. I have been a huge Sony Playstation fanboy for a long-ass time. The library of games was superior, the variety was better, and the quality was better.



As far as I'm concerned, there's a good reason the PSOne outsold the Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, and GameCube combined, as well as continuing to whip the XBOX's ass.



The PS2 is just as good. Granted - and this is a pretty large concession - the XBOX has better graphics, although in my experience the developers do more with the Sony hardware than they do with the XBOX's, but the PS2 rocks, and once again, there are a ton of great games for the system.



All that has come to an end.



The PS3 is the biggest consumer assreaming ever perpetrated by an electronics company.



There, I said it.



Want to know why?



First: the price. $599, for fuck's sake. Who are you kidding? I bought my Playstation 2 when it first came out, paid $350, and felt like I had gotten swiped up and down with vinegared sandpaper. I only decided it was a good purchase a year or so later - at first the price was severely offputting.



The PS3 costs nearly twice what I paid for the PS2. How many confirmed launch titles are there?



None.



Yeah, that's right, NONE. NOT ONE GODDAMN GAME is confirmed to be 100% ready to ship for the launch.



Which brings me to point #2: the hardware. The reason the price is so high is because the hardware is completely above and beyond. It beats the pants off my desktop PC, and my PC can run Doom 3 at a good framerate, thanks. It's not a $10,000 machine; but still solid. PS3 owns it completely.



But that in itself is a problem, since I don't have all the other stuff I'd need to get the best out of it. I have two TVs, but both are standard; so I don't give a good goddamn if it CAN show 1080p; my TV can't, so I'm looking at 480i anyway.



Blu-Ray? But, again, this is HD, and I don't have that; thus irrelevant.



Badass games? Where? Oh, and if they're gonna cost $100+, in 5 years my library of games will be roughly 3. They'd have to be so good the girls from Rumble Roses climb out of the disc tray and do a striptease in my living room. There's no actual plan for this to happen of which I am aware.



So, I'm not impressed. The same problems apply to the XBOX360, as far as I'm concerned; a huge expense for features I can't use anyway at this point, and won't be able to in the immediate future.



And then there's the Wii.



The Wii can support 4 players on those bizarre-looking controllers at once, which means party games.



The Wii can play EVERY NINTENDO GAME EVER. That's an instant software library of THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS of games.



The Wii can only go up to 480p resolution - but since this is going onto my TV, that's about as good as it gets anyway.



The Wii can play online - and comes with a year of free service.



The Wii controller still has vibrate. HAHA, Sony.



And the most important selling point? The tiny but mighty Wii will cost $250.



Goddamn right.





To illustrate my point in another way:

\r\nOr, for a third example, there's this.
\r\n
\r\n
\r\nThat's a good selling point, there, chief. And so, sighing deeply at the demise of Sega, off I go, trudging back to Nintendo.
\r\n
\r\nBut I'm not overly sad, because in 5 or 6 years, my wife, my child, and I will all be sitting in the living room playing Super Smash Brothers Brawl, and having a fucking blast.
\r\n
\r\nBy that time, maybe PS3 will be down to $400. Of course, the Wii will be down to $100, but hey, who's counting, right?
\r\n
\r\n

Capitalizing On Your Generosity...

...We set up a baby registry at Walmart. It's limited as yet since OF COURSE all the clothing / diapers / whatever is gender limited, and we gotta wait 2 more months to find out which one we're getting, but it's up.



So, if anyone feels appallingly generous - and let me stress, ONLY if you feel some $$ burning a hole in your pocket, I don't want to be gaffling money anyone NEEDS - message me, and I will give you the info you need to go take a look.



Like I said: don't feel obligated. We're not gonna get mad if we don't get anything; but anything that people send us is one less thing I have to work overtime for. That being the case, I will send an email full of profound expressions of gratitude in overly flowery language with flashy HTML graphics to anyone who buys us something, if they let us know they did.



So there you go.

Gotta Love A Copycat... Wait, What?

I don't know if you guys remember this link. I posted it a while back in my entry "The Four Laws Of OMGWTFalarity," because it possessed a GIGANTIC degree of OMGWTF. Actually, almost enough to become legend, considering the gentleman in question, Mr. Vinson Filyaw, escaped arrest, and evaded custody for two days.



The story in brief:



Filyaw kidnapped a 14-year-old girl, one Elizabeth Shoaf. He dragged her back to his home, took her out into the woods, and stuck her into a hand-dug underground bunker loaded with boobytraps, SAW-style.



Didn't count on her being a hoodlum, though; she picked his pocket, and used his own cell phone to text message her mother asking for a rescue.



The cavalry showed, and she was saved. The identity of the phone's owner was revealed (although I can only imagine the raised eyebrows among the police on-scene when they realized how she got hold of it,) and the cops went to Filyaw's trailer to arrest him.



Then things took a left turn into the Twilight Zone. Filyaw had installed an escape hatch in the floor of his trailer's bedroom,  and dived down it, through the underground tunnel he had dug to a shed some distance away, and escaping. He was captured two days later, has been denied bond, and is awaiting trial.



Which brings us to my next point, kids.



If you saw this story on the news and got inspired to plan your escape in a similar manner, as did this gentleman, MAKE SURE YOU CAN FIT THROUGH THE TUNNEL, FATASS.



HAHAHA!!!



In a related side note, note that the local TV affiliate needs to drop only one letter from its callsign to be the perfect station for me: WTVF. Guess which letter they need to lose.

Now, That's Gross, But Funny.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net




Haha!

Yet Another (Very Brief) Actual Conversation

So, we're watching movie trailers.



There's a new movie from the wrestling guys.



It stars John Cena. It's cheesy, as you can only expect from the WWE, but there's lots and lots of things that go "BOOM!" in it, so the cheese can be overlooked.



The trailer is here.



So, I say:

"That might be watchable."

Tara says:

"If they made a movie with John Cena and the Rock both, they'd make all kinds of money. The guys would go see it because it would be non-stop ass kicking, and the girls would go because they'd drool so much they'd need sponges in the aisles of the theater."



I actually clapped at that one.



Then I opened 360, and went to this page, and she vowed never to speak to me again. C'est la vie.