Today, I had a discussion with a friend of mine, who holds religious views different from my own; this is hardly uncommon.
I am continuing the discussion, or more accurately, expanding upon my part in it, here, rather than continuing in personal messages, because I could tell it was simply upsetting her, and since I LIKE her, I'd rather not do that.
So.
The discussion was spawned from a political one; thus the marginal connection. I will explain, since the context is important and germane to the discussion.
We were talking about childrearing, and the responsibilities of the parent as far as teaching their children about politics; my view is - and remains - that the parents' responsibility is teaching critical thinking skills and logic, rather than indoctrinating the child with a particular ideology. My point being, if your own views are in fact logical, and you are successful in teaching your child to think, they will eventually agree with you anyway, just based on their own observation of the facts in action.
Merely teaching them to mindlessly parrot talking points renders them damaged; less than they can be, forever limited from their potential as people, and as thinkers.
They might agree with everything you say; but is preaching to the choir so near and dear to your heart that it is worth limiting your child's abilities and mind for the rest of their life?
I submit to you that doing so is a crime of the gravest magnitude against your children.
Now, this got moved into a religious context - and this was entirely my fault, I admit openly - when I pointed out that this is the SAME problem I have with most organized religions' views on child-rearing, namely that the children should be immersed in "the faith" from the get-go, without ever so much as a hint (if possible) that opposing viewpoints exist.
My friend made a point that, while valid, doesn't actually bear on the discussion.
Her point was, as a parent, her absolute, unshakeable conviction is that her beliefs ARE the "one true way," and that anyone who does not believe as she does is doomed to an eternal punishment; she obviously doesn't want her children to suffer such a fate, especially since their souls are, until they are old enough to stand on their own, her responsibility.
I disagreed not with her views; she's free to hold any she wants. I disagreed with the application of those views quite vehemently, however.
You see, there is a difference, a fundamental, unarguable, profound, unchangeable DIFFERENCE, between something that is a FACT and something that is a matter of FAITH.
It does not, and CAN not, MATTER how fervent your beliefs are; failing a mass visitation from the Almighty, there is no proof; and as such, you can NEVER present your faith as FACT.
You are, as a parent, expected to, and required to, teach your child everything you've learned in your life experience that you can possibly give them to help them survive.
But there's a crucial difference between saying "This is what I BELIEVE is the One True Way," and saying "This IS the One True Way."
If you, as a parent, present to your children YOUR OPINION as FACT, they will BELIEVE you. because they are children, and they don't KNOW you can be wrong.
And you can.
When you present your BELIEF as FACT, you are LYING. Even if you are RIGHT. Because teaching your children ANYTHING as having NO POSSIBILITY WHATSOEVER OF ERROR is wrong.
It is wrong because it teaches them to parrot, not think; it makes them less human, and more programmed robot.
Now, the friend in question happens to be Christian, which only bears on the discussion in terms of the fact that her own theology, as presented by her chosen sacred text, doesn't agree with her either. In strict point of fact, most religions get this wrong in practice, despite nearly all of the major religions making the identical point about the meaningfulness of free choice.
Free will is a crucial point in the Bible. It is touched on again and again; a soul cannot be saved by rote, only by free choice. The (completely fairly, of course) inevitable eternal punishment applied to every human can only be averted by application of that individual's free choice to turn from the path of sin, to a path of righteousness.
But if you teach a child from birth that there IS no other choice, that IS NOT a free choice at all, is it?
Thus invalidating their choice entirely - and condemning them, under the rules of the Bible, to eternal damnation.
Because you chose to indoctrinate them, instead of simply teaching them.
If you teach that questions are unacceptable, you are achieving exactly the goal you set out to avoid: guaranteeing their failure, as human beings. If you teach that your beliefs are the One True Way, rather than teaching them to THINK, you are teaching them to FAIL the test of free will.
What you have as a parent is a singular chance to help them succeed.
Now, she made the point that religious viewpoints are a matter of the soul, and therefore inherently different from political ones.
I agree totally, although the outcome of that agreement doesn't support her stance anyway.
They are very different.
Political viewpoints can be proved to either succeed or fail; they are inherently factual things. While I disagree with people indoctrinating their children with ANYTHING, at least in the case of politics, it can later be PROVEN to them that those teachings are in fact wrong, if they are so. In the case of religion, there inherently IS no proof, and that places the child in a position in which they CANNOT be swayed...
...Even if they're wrong.
The fact that you personally, or I, or anyone, may have sublime confidence in the righteousness of their views, doesn't make it so. Not in religion, or politics, or anything else. Believing, no matter how fervently, doesn't make it so.
It may be; you can't prove it to me; and I can't prove it to you; and that's my point. As long as it MUST remain a matter of opinion, it MUST be presented as such.
Period. Dot. Over and done.
In regard to her argument - that as a parent, she's totally convinced that a failure on her part to convince them to be good Christians will place blame on her, for their eventual damnation - I have this to say.
This is being a parent.
You cannot walk for your children; they must do it themselves.
You cannot talk for them; they must learn this too, in their own way and in their own time.
You cannot ride a bike for them; you can teach them how, but then you MUST let go of the handlebars and let them steer.
And you cannot think, or believe, for them, either.
You have, always, an absolute responsibility, be it politics, religion, or anything else, to do your level best to CONVINCE them that your experiences and beliefs are right.
But you cannot simply dictate to them by fiat, without depriving them of the very free choice that is at the core of their very beings, depriving them of the freedom that makes those decision meaningful.
There is a DIFFERENCE between saying "I believe this," and saying "This is what IS."
One is right.
One is child abuse.
I will note here that one point that got brought up and swiftly discarded in the discussion was a statement that - because my beliefs are DIFFERENT from hers - that I was incapable of understanding her stance at all.
Not really.
My beliefs are quite different; true. But I BELIEVE them to be the One, True Way, just as she believes her way to be.
I understand exactly her sentiment; she truly believes that her children are at risk of destruction if she fails to convince them to believe as she does.
I believe the same thing.
But I understand that CONVINCING and BRAINWASHING are not the same, and that to merely rote-train my children until they are incapable of thought is inherently a failure to convince them.
I refuse utterly to fail my son in such a way.
I will devote my life - have already done so - to teaching him everything I can, or can understand, about the world, and how it works; but I will never, ever tell him that there's NO CHANCE WHATSOEVER that I could be wrong.
...because - to borrow from the Bible again - I'm not perfect.
I can't be perfect.
And that means I CAN be wrong.
He MUST have the ability to decide that himself; THAT is the truest responsibility of a parent. Not only the ability to make decisions, but the tools with which to make good ones; not only the freedom to make choices, but the best opportunity and knowledge available from which to do so.
Part of that is, in my case, telling my child what I believe, and why I believe it. As it should be with any parent.
But I'm never going to tell him I CAN'T be wrong.
Being a parent is scary, and it's scary PRECISELY because you are - always - aware that YOUR failures affect THEM. Your flaws, your faults, your vices; these are things that AFFECT them. As such, it is your duty - which you accepted when you had a child - to provide for them the best opportunity they can have to not repeat your mistakes.
But you cannot simply immure them forever in a plastic bubble, and call it childrearing.
You have not kept them safe by doing so; you have molded them into people unable to survive on their own.
You can - you MUST - teach them to stand on their own; think on their own - and believe, on their own.
And the risk you take - always - is that they might not agree with you.
That sucks.
I KNOW.
But you don't get a pass on it, just because you're scared. That's the duty of being a parent. You CANNOT tell them "Daddy is never wrong." You cannot tell them "NEVER disagree." You cannot tell them "You MUST believe this."
And that means they might not agree with you.
And that's scary, especially if you believe, as I do, that being wrong can have disastrous, permanent consequences. It's terrifying. I have faced death more than once, and death doesn't scare me; the possibility that I might, as a parent, fail my son, gives me cold sweats.
But that doesn't mean that I get to simply do an end run around my duty as a parent because I am afraid.
That is the very nature of moral cowardice.
A parent's job is to give their child every advantage they can...
...And then give them freedom.
You cannot do so by denying them freedom even in their very thoughts.
Even if it scares you.
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