ITP: I Discuss Male Territorial Instinct.

Those who have known me for a long enough time know that I am, at heart, a creature of instinct. I am deeply in touch with my animal side, and that manifests, at times, in verbalizing and analyzing animal behaviors, sometimes in ways that you might not expect.

Hopefully, when I do this strange thing, it takes the form to my readers of something which they have always known, but never spelled out; an unwritten rule, written and (hopefully accurately) explained.

So tonight, I was talking to Lovely Wife about territoriality.

I am very aware of my territorial instincts, and those of other men; and to some degree, the ways in which those same instincts both exist, and differ, in women.

Accordingly, I behave in ways that agree with my understanding - my conscious understanding - of what the "rules" generated by those instincts are.

What we were discussing specifically, was a time when a dear friend and much-loved frequent guest to our house made a particular misstep that roused her territorial instincts, and by extension, mine; it resulted in an argument that went a lot farther than it should.

I will note that the breach was repaired almost immediately.

But that discussion led us to territoriality in general, and in specific, the frequently unwritten customs between men that have evolved as a result.

So, one rule: when you are contacting a female who is mated (boyfriend, husband, such distinctions do not matter to the lizard brain, you see, once it is mate it is she who must be protected and other, lesser things are of no consequence,) you contact the man first.

It does not matter if you have an independent friendship with the female; outside her domicile, contacting her is fine, but when she is at home, you contact the male first.

This establishes (to him) that you respect his relationship with her, and also that you intend neither intrusion nor harm; it permits him a veto, with the implication that such a veto will be respected, on your contact with her at home, because there may be factors in his thinking, or their plans or environment, of which you are unaware, and it demonstrates that you respect the boundaries of their house. (Which is both her safe space, and his.)

...At which point Lovely Wife says, "But that means you're just seeing the woman as property!"

And thus, this post.

You see, the female interpretation of that paragraph is exactly as she said it, and yet that interpretation is utterly, completely wrong.

But clearing up what, precisely, is wrong with it, and why, is more than a simple sentence or two.

I will try, here.

First, you must understand that with the exception of men who have been in some way traumatized, or obviously those who do not sexually orient on females, the male mind treats women as a special case.

There are not one, but many, associations tied to the concept of "mate."

Safety.

Comfort - a place of rest; sanctuary, however temporary, from the efforts and trials of the day.

Sex, obviously.

Offspring. The very nature of our species is that - without significant interference from science - females determine the future of our existence. They determine whose genetic legacy carries onward; how far it spreads; how much support those offspring receive; they determine literally the care and feeding of offspring; they are our only immortality.

They are partner, confidant, the one person who can be trusted when all males are competition; the only person for whom all the masks can be let down, the only person who can know your feelings, the only person who can be let behind the defenses.

They are not an object; and at the same time, I used the phrase before, they are she who must be protected.

There is literally nothing more important. Offspring - no offense, kids - can be replaced. The mate cannot. Even if you find a new mate, it will not be the same. It can never, will never, be the same.

I know that women don't, and can't, understand this on the kind of visceral level on which men understand it.

Women, as a gender, tend to form groups of people who fulfill most of those functions I listed above; the mate, to them, is protector - provider - source of offspring, but most of the other associations men have in that relationship are either not there, or not nearly as high priority. Friends, instead, act as confidantes, and while women have the same protective instincts men do, they are primarily focused on their children, not their men. Men are expected to be able to handle themselves, dammit. Why do you big babies need us to take care of you, anyway?

It never seems to occur to the women that it's because literally no-one else does. Males tend to view requests for help as weakness; they are, I assure you, conscious of this. Making a request for help lowers your status in the silent pecking order; fulfilling it implies not only higher status, but obligation for a return of favors, regardless of difficulty. Men simply do not, and cannot, turn to their peers as a source of support for the kind of day-to-day needs that women can, because they would be inviting in the jackals.

When women suffer an emotional upset, they turn to their friends, often before their mate has any idea anything's wrong, and they particularly double down on this behavior when their mate is the source of the upset.

Men have only one person to whom they turn, and that's their mate.

She who must be protected.

Literally nothing will cause a fight faster than interference with one's mate. Nothing. Yo' momma jokes might get there if you really, really push it, but cause the mate distress? Even the world's biggest Caspar Milquetoast will try - maybe ineffectually, but try - to get violent in her defense.

Because she who must be protected is in danger. Distress.

Literally nothing could be more important than that.

The worst guy out there - lazy, drunk, jobless, doped-up, wasted bum - will leap to his woman's defense if he recognizes that she is in danger.

Girls, here's a tip: if you're upset, and he's not behaving like a highly aggressive guard dog, he doesn't see you as his mate. He may see you as a sex object, but there's no goddamn way he sees you as his mate, because - I keep using this phrasing because I want you to really internalize it - his mate is she who must be protected and nothing in the male brain outranks that in order of priority.

It's one of the big arguments against women in infantry combat; the Army can't come right out and say what I'm saying, here, but if a male soldier, who has formed an attachment to a female soldier, sees her in danger or injured, his instincts will be triggered in an actual sense; he will react according to his protective instincts, regardless of reason, intelligence, planning or forethought, and most likely cause a whole lot of deaths that could otherwise have been avoided.

Having this conversation - among many - with Lovely Wife indicates to me that women, whose instincts react very differently, don't really understand how this feels.

Imagine, ladies, if you saw your child about to be attacked by a bear.

Women have literally fought bears, to save children.

Now imagine if every single person who comes by is a bear.

A potentially hungry bear.

A potentially angry and dangerous bear.

Men have come a long way.

We're far from perfect, and we have a long way yet to go.

But at least we no longer leap at each other on sight with pointy sticks.

We need you to bear in mind that that - evolutionarily speaking - wasn't that long ago. Sometimes keeping calm is a challenge.

Perhaps with greater understanding of our respective burdens of instinct, we can get better communication between the genders.

But that will never happen as long as you make the assumption, about us, that the concept of she who must be protected equates to seeing you as property.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

When you see some guy saying "she's mine!" or "that's my girl / wife / woman / whatever" that's not ownership.

That's a statement, to the world, that this is the person in whom all your dreams, your hopes for the future, your legacy, your immortality, your love, your very best that you have to give the world resides...

And that you are her protector.

If you want her, you're going to have to go through me.

You best bring a lunch.