Because I Know You've All Been Missing My Snarky Commentary...

...Or maybe it's the news. Yeah, that's it, the news.



Like the story of Michael Goza, of Cleveland, Ohio.



Michael is 30 years old.



Michael is a burglar and suspected rapist.



Michael is sitting his ass in jail after getting caught at the scene of a break-in gone bad.



How Bad, You Ask?



Well, he broke into a house, saw the family's daughter sleeping, and decided, "Hey, I can get a little while I'm at it. Score!"



Sadly, the daughter knew judo.



And so, the 30-year-old burglar is in jail, after getting his ass whooped by a NINE YEAR OLD GIRL.





HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!



Oh yes, it's true. It's all true.