It's Finally Happened!

I never thought this day would come.

No, I mean it, NEVER.

Some few of you may remember an article I posted about three years ago talking about the long, strange saga of Duke Nukem Forever.

Some of you may be wondering what the hell I am blathering on about now.

So, ok, recap. (I was going to say "short" recap, but when I wrote it I realized it really wasn't. At all.)

Long ago, there was a game. It was called Duke Nukem.

It featured a loud, sarcastic, misogynistic, overly-testosteroned hero who smoked cigars and openly skirt-chased, facing off against aliens invading earth "to steal our chicks."

It was stupid, but a lot of fun.

A couple of years went by, and they released a (vastly superior) sequel, named Duke Nukem 3D, conveniently enough because it was, errr, 3D. Or, you know, that weird gaming pseudo-3D that isn't but tries really hard.

Even louder, even funnier, even more misogynistic, and you had pipe bombs.

It wasn't a flagship franchise, you know; not like Doom or Deus Ex or Call of Duty, but it was fun.

So, a couple of years went by, and the developer, 3DRealms, proudly announced another sequel: Duke Nukem Forever.

They posted trailers.

They - apparently - spent their entire budget on hookers and blow. Of both kinds.

They made a trailer that actually - at the time - looked promising, and got investors to give them another huge wad of money, which they, again, spent on hookers and blow.

Ok, fair's fair, I don't actually know that for sure, but considering their total lack of production of anything, it's as reasonable as the next guy's guess.

At any rate, years crawled by. Increasingly hostile interviews were granted, in which the developers, like some kind of sinister mantra, chanted to gaming reporters that DNF would be in stores "when it's done."

Which begged the question, "what's the holdup?"

And that question was asked.

Over and over.

For 14 years.

Read that again.

For 14 years, 3DRealms teased the gradually decreasing numbers of fans with cryptic trailers, ads, and again, promises that the game would hit stores as soon as it was done.

And they went bankrupt.

...Shit.

But Take Two Interactive, the parent company, had finally had enough. They were determined to get a game out the door if they had to use Semtex and Czech detonators.

So they got together with Gearbox, a company renowned for producing...

...errr...

...Other shooter games you most likely also haven't heard of. Like Borderlands, Brothers In Arms, all the expansion packs for the first Half-Life game, and Aliens: Colonial Marines.

And after Gearbox had been working on it for less than 9 months, we got a new trailer.

And everyone who still cared saw the headline: New DNF Trailer! and groaned, collectively, with a massive sense that the tease would never end, and we'd go to our graves never seeing this game, but always eternally hopeful.

Then they watched the trailer. And it was...

It was...

Duke.

Just as screwy, just as lewd, just as completely lacking in class, manners, or anything approaching basic human decency.

Just as... funny.

And with irony.

"But what about the game, Duke, is it any good?"

"Yeah, but after twelve fucking years, it should be."

The two or three people that still cared noticed a few things; new graphics engine, what looks like actual gameplay...

...Does this mean there's actually a GAME?

FUCK YES, it does.

Duke Nukem renounced his seemingly eternal title as King Of Vaporware on Tuesday.

I'm not going to say there was rejoicing; frankly, after a total of 15 years (announced in 1997,) the game would have to be better than the Second Coming of Christ, and the EULA on the box would have to cure pancreatic cancer while giving you a blowjob and simultaneously baking you a cake to make it worth the wait.

But Gearbox "took over and continued" development as of August last year - and in less than 12 months, they produced SOMETHING.

I don't know if it's any good. I haven't played it yet. The reviews are less than stellar, although frankly, I'm not sure how much of that is fairly directed at the game itself and how much is directed at 3DRealms for wasting 15 fucking years of our time waiting.

But you know what?

I'm going to find a way to buy it. Probably a year from now, and probably after everyone has stopped giving a damn entirely; but I'm going to buy it.

And I'll bet that two things will happen: I'll bet I will play the hell out of it - and I'll bet I laugh my ass off.

Always bet on Duke.

Yaaaaay! I, Too, Have A Lunatic Stalker!

Ok, bad news first and then good news.

I apparently have developed a stalker of the same ilk as Lee's perennial "friend." One of my soon-to-be officially ex-wife Tara's friends decided that I am a prick, and so they messaged me, Kelli, and all of Kelli's entire family on Facebook to tell everybody what a lying, scheming, backstabbing bastard I am. I have no idea whether their methods will extend to multiply, but it's better to be prepared; proper prior planning prevents piss-poor performance. Besides, some of you are friends with me on FB as well, so you might get to join the love-in just because you're there.

Their plan met with some opposition based in the fact that Kelli was talking to both me AND Tara during our breakup, and thus knows for a fact that everything this person says is totally untrue, and thus the impact of this so far has been, basically, that Kelli and I are both massively pissed off, and gathering evidence to try to take it to the police.

One of my favorite bits...

Well, let me tell you a bit of personal history. I'm not telling you this, by the way, to gain personal sympathy, but to illustrate a point; this all happened years ago.

Back in the day, I was dating - then engaged to - a lovely girl. She was pregnant when I met her, and had been abandoned by the father.

She had a daughter, named Aurora; she and I got more serious and got engaged, and we planned for me to adopt Aurora when we got married. I helped raise her; in every sense but the biological, she was my daughter.

While I was deployed for the pre-Kosovo train-up, Aurora, then 18 months old, got sick; it turned into pneumonia, and she died before I got back from the FTX.

My then-fiancee was understandably distraught, and reacted by basically packing up everything we had that she had any remote claim to and moving away to points unknown two days after I was sent overseas.

You may guess that I was a bit fucked up by this.

You'd be right.

Now, the point of my telling you guys this - since some of you don't know me well enough to really care, nor should you have any good reason to - is that the mysterious harasser has decided to include, in their blathering screeds against my moral character, a rant about how I love to tell people stories about my daughter Aurora, but it's all lies because I never had a daughter.

Technically, this is true; I have only one biological child.

I'm not sure that you can really describe what I feel when I have to tell people - and there aren't many I have told - about Aurora, and why the last week of July (she died on the 25th,) is kinda rough for me, is "love." 

I don't love to tell that story.

But I like it even less when someone who evidently knows some of my personal history through some means decides to spread bullshit stories about me to try to get me in trouble.

So.

The point of this is to tell you in advance that some of you may get messages from this person, whoever they are; please feel free to forward to me any correspondence you receive of this type; I'd love to have it, as we're planning to go to the police and get this person some real-world negative consequences.

There's no use assassinating my personal moral character; I freely admit - to anyone I meet - that I haven't any. But that doesn't make anything this person says true, either.

So if they message you, feel free to go nuts on them; but please pass along anything they send you.

If they don't message you, great! Congratulations, you have managed to avoid being involuntarily dragged into the fucking trailer-park soap opera my ex is trying to turn my life into, and I bless you for your good fortune; I hope it continues unabated.

On to the previously mentioned good news; for those of you who don't know but do care, I am gainfully employed, once again in retail.

You know retail; they never hire full-time; they hire part-time, give you a crazy schedule, and expect you to put in your time as the FNG before they put you on full-time, assuming you don't do anything retarded in the meantime.

Well, they've decided to move me up to full-time before my assessment period is even over.

When I started - I sell electronics - my department's "attachment" rate was 24%; that means that for every major electronic device we sold, we had a 24% chance of making customers take extra stuff with it.

At the end of my first month, it was at 45%.

Other than adding me, there have been no other changes to my department.

At the end of my second month - yesterday - the numbers for July came out; our attachment rate is now 83%.

Other than adding me, there have been no other changes to my department.

Which means that, according to the numbers, I attach 71% of the extras my whole department sells. (83, minus 24, is 59; divided by 83... Yeah, I did that right.)

So management likes me very, very much indeed.

Accordingly, I am getting full-time; getting the schedule I want; getting regular days off, or at least MORE regular (it IS retail...) and *drumroll please* in 4 more months I am eligible to take the exam for supervisor.

So, yeah. Good news.

My stalker told me, in her first message, that I should get a real job.

Workin' on it, there, chief.

I note that they don't mention the fact that my ex hasn't had a job in over 3 years.

*Shrug* When you're pissed off, especially when you're pissed off on someone else's behalf, and appropriating victimhood for all you're worth, only your intended victim's failures and bad judgments count, I suppose.

At any rate, there it is.

Mockery, Derision, Fandom, And Why I Don't - But Maybe Should - Go To Conventions.

OK.

There's this series of books, right? They're by this British lady who wrote the first novel - or so the story goes - on cocktail napkins in a pub.

They're for kids.

They're about wizards.

Have you guessed that I'm talking about the Harry Potter books yet?

Right.

Now, I've read them, and seen a couple of the movies; they're good entertainment for kids.

But out there...

...Out THERE, in the world, there's a disturbing, secretive subculture.

Fans.

Fans come in all varieties - I admit to being one (for Firefly) - but some are more disturbing than others.

I, for example, really liked the Firefly TV show, and the movie (Serenity) which concluded the series; I bought both on DVD. I quote the show occasionally, and look for cast members in other shows. 

But I don't go to conventions.

"Real" fans go to conventions.

Conventions are a horror that should not be beheld.

...Don't worry, I am totally going to torture you. Get the eye - and brain - bleach ready to wipe out the flood of horror. This post is like a slippery slope into OMGWTF, so brace yourself.

...Back up a bit.

Let's start with my friend.

I have a friend named Kelli. Kelli is smart, funny, and full of awesomely weird comments. Kelli is one of my favorite people, and I spend more time yakking with her than with almost anyone else.

Kelli is a fan.

Kelli is a Harry Potter fan.

Kelli is a fan who goes to conventions.

This is Kelli with... errr... Voldemort.

Now, I love Kelli to pieces; she's a complete sweetheart.

She TOLD me to post this blog. She said "I will laugh while you mock Potter fans."

...I said, "you will hate me, so VERY much."

...Got my marching orders anyway. You asked for it.

Believe it or not, there is something about the Harry Potter books that makes people willing to spend $189 a night to stay in a not-as-advertised hotel room over a long weekend thousands of miles from home, to wear costumes from the books,

pose awkwardly,

...and, errr....

Hey, wait a sec, Potter gear aside, a couple of those girls are kinda cute... more on this later.

So, right, Kelli just went to a convention, from which I got dozens of text messages detailing things she thought were cool.

Not cool.

Lame.

Frighteningly, unendurably, terrifyingly lame.

PARALYTICALLY, APOCALYPTICALLY LAME.

...OK, there were a COUPLE of things that were pretty funny.

Yes, those two statues are doing what you think they're doing.

Well, Michelle likes the statue, anyway, so that's a relief.

Errr, wait. That's not a relief. That's... so very, very wrong.

But Wait, There's More!™

Kelli paid $189 a night to stay at the Boston Park Plaza hotel, which has a pretty lobby,

rooms that look like a Best Western with better wallpaper,

...a roommate, although I note you two are doing it wrong, because I seem to remember something about Gryffindors supposedly being enemies of Slytherins, and you two giant Potter dorks should know this,

...and fans.

Lots of fans.

Lots of whom are fairly presentable girls.

...who make homemade Potter-themed T-shirts, and try to throw Xbox games in such a way that they can be captured by camera to look like a levitation spell.

Did I mention these people are lame?

But Wait, There's More!™

These are people who have a capella concerts to sing Harry Potter songs, in costume.

I bet you thought I was kidding. You should know better by now.

But Wait, There's More!™

Some of these fans, these troglodytic, lame, deranged fans who think it's cool to go to conventions for a children's book - sans kids - in their late 20's and early 30's, can - sort of - play instruments.

Which means they form bands.

They form bands that play themed music.

Prepare yourself for horror.

They call this monstrosity "wizard rock."

Yes, that's a guy in a squid costume. I didn't know there were any giant squid to be found in the Harry Potter books, but ok.

They take this stuff waaaaaaaay too seriously.

Allow me to make a momentary interjection here, and point out that that is shudderingly, horrifyingly terrible. The giant squid passed out cooked bacon to the crowd..

*twitch*

But Wait, There's More!™

Right. They took video.

*Ohnoes*

Oh...

My...

God...

...Words fail me.

Ok, no they don't. That was an astonishing display of the inherent Brownian motion (look it up,) of nerd herds, a vast petri dish full of some strange, extraterrestrial species of pseudohuman, built as prototypes only possible in societies with too much free time and liquid capital.

*Watches nerd girls awkwardly bounce up and down like jackrabbits doing alternating spy hops*

Lots of girls, though.

Shy, reclusive, emotionally vulnerable girls. (My wife smacked my wrist and said "No!")

I was informed that I am going to be dragged "one day" to one of these conventions. I replied that - based on my nature, and the seemingly endless supply of lame, but otherwise passable if socially inept females, taking me to a convention was a BAD idea.

Kelli told me, "you have to be careful, or you'll get thrown out of the con."

I replied that I would have a T-shirt made that read "I GOT THROWN OUT OF A HARRY POTTER CONVENTION."

So, there's my friend (on the right.). At a Potter Con. Making "rock fingers" at a band called "Swish and Flick."

You cannot make this shit up, I'm telling you.

...I wonder if there are that many girls at Firefly conventions?

No Kidding, It Really Is One Of The World's Oldest Professions

So, there's these researchers at Yale, led by Keith Chen, who have been experimenting with monkey psychology for years. One of the things they've been working on is teaching the monkeys a primitive monetary system; using tokens earned through various activities, the monkeys can buy food.

...They've noticed that monkeys DON'T save - but they DO steal; the monkeys have been observed to swipe each other's tokens for extra chow.

Now, you and I, being normal people, may be inclined to think this is simply learned behavior, instead of a true understanding of the function of money.

...Until the researchers witnessed one monkey paying another monkey for sex.

...And the second monkey used the tokens to buy food.

No matter where we build a society, there's always gonna be hookers, I guess.

Well, Hello There...

Everybody welcome the new First Lady of Russia.




Right; Just so you know, Vladimir Putin has apparently secretly divorced his 50-year old wife Ludmilla, and is marrying 24-year-old model and gymnast Alina Kabaeva.

After seeing that video, I simply can't imagine what his motives might have been.

Global Warming, My Ass, Part 97263482

So: Iran is having a bit of internal strife.

Why, you ask? Because the Ayatollah Ali Khameini - supreme leader of the THEOCRACY that is Iran - has ordered the country's "President," Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, to reverse his position and enact a law that Ahmacrazyguy had previously refused to enact.

Right.

Well, what was this bill designed to do?

The bill releases $971,096,587.98 worth of gas supplies from Iran's "emergency reserve funds."

Right. Well, what was this such a big deal for? Ahmacrazyguy argues that parliamentary interference could potentially wreck the Iranian economy.

Khameini, on the other hand, thinks that if HUGE NUMBERS OF IRANIANS DIE OFF FROM INSUFFICIENT HEATING IN THE COLDEST WINTER IRAN'S HAD IN DECADES, that might have a tiny bit of impact on the economy as well.

Now, I've never claimed that "climate change" isn't happening. It clearly is; the weather patterns are shifting globally. But "global warming" is clearly bullshit. If the OVERALL TEMPERATURE of the 
entire planet is rising, NOPLACE ought to be having "the coldest winter in decades." I hate 
to have to be the one to point that out, but come on, guys. How much more obvious does it 
have to be that the scientists simply DO NOT UNDERSTAND what's really going on? I 
realize there's some sort of moral obligation to always pretend like you know everything, but 
really.

An Astonishing "Blonde Dumbass" Celebrity Trifecta!

Normally, I am immune to the blandishments of the gossip rags, and even the allure of FARK.com's "Showbiz" tab.

But this week, I had to laugh, at not one, but three events.

All, oddly enough, were about "celebrities."

All three celebrities are blonde; female; young; and marvellously stupid.

To demonstrate, starting with the saddest, and yet "with-most-potential-for-recovery" of the three:

Britney Spears lost her kids. The custody judge, after considering all the factors and all the information, decided that Kevin Federline would be a better parent than Britney Spears, and granted K-Fed full custody.

Congratulations, Ms. Spears, you've been declared BY A JUDGE to be less able to care for your kids than KEVIN FEDERLINE. Your mom must be proud; oh, wait, as I recall, wasn't she on his side in the custody case? Ouch.

Next, comes, well...

Paris Hilton, who amazingly was dumb enough to go on the David Letterman show, as though there's anyone left in the country who doesn't know what Dave will do to them given the chance.

Here's what happened:

Sad to watch someone with so much going for them - errr, money, anyway - get victimized by such horrifying mockery of their own raving stupidity. I mean, after all, acting like such a complete clown should certainly not carry any consequence whatsoever, and certainly not the obvious disdain and scorn of humorists the world over. Fie on you, Dave! Fie!

And lastly, there's Jessica Simpson.

*Gusty sigh*

Jessica was in a movie recently.

I know, you haven't seen it.

That's because it's so magnificently terrible, so utterly without value, that no DVD production company will touch it; it has actually bypassed "straight to DVD" and discovered a new realm of retail ghetto-ness; her new movie went

Straight.

To.

QVC.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

More Quick Notes, HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY 1 of 2

First, I would like to say that despite all the hoopla about Wal-Mart being an evil corporation, I've never seen any evidence of it. They run their business in a perfectly respectable way, and if people not working for them aren't happy with the way they get out-competed, well, sucks for them.

That said, Wal-Mart has finally done something that actually IS reprehensible, and thankfully, they're getting in very - potentially cataclysmic - serious trouble over it.

See, secretly, Wal-Mart had apparently been buying up life insurance policies on their employees - as many as 350,000 of them - and collecting the cash when their employees keel over. They stopped buying the policies in 1995, but they kept right on collecting the payouts without telling anyone, because they count as non-taxable appreciative interest income, which means that the longer you live, the more money Wal-Mart makes off you when you die.

Now, see, that really IS fucked up. Good thing they're getting sued for it, hmmm?

Because Kitty Genovese is completely forgotten, history repeats itself; LaShaunda Calloway died in a mall on June 23rd, after being stabbed, because five other mall customers STEPPED OVER HER TO BUY SNACKS, and one even stopped to take a picture of her with a cell phone camera; not one offered assistance. Police have not yet released the security camera video, but I assure you that if they do I will be reposting it.

This article... well, just read the headline. Awesomeness.

Dr. Ron Paul considers himself to be a contender, apparently, and he may be more on the money than the party bigwigs are willing to admit. After he discovered that he had not been, and was not going to be, invited to a debate forum with 6 other Republican candidates, he simply held his own rally next door to the forum, and drew a bigger crowd. That's the way, doc; show 'em how it's done. I still won't vote for you, because you haven't got a chance in hell this time around, but that's a damn fine showing, right there.

And last but not least, vindication is a fine thing. The Goldman family has won their court case, and they are now working on a publishing deal to bring O.J. Simpson's book on how he killed his wife, and Ron Goldman, to press under the title "Confessions Of A Double Murderer," which is unquestionably more accurate.

Just thought I'd share.

Conquering One's Disability...

In a damn impressive fashion, thanks.

Handicapped Dance Contest

Damn.

The Plot Sickens...

Some of you have been following the hoopla surrounding the deaths of wrestler Chris Benoit and his family.

Well, it got a little weirder today.

For those of you who haven't been paying attention, Chris Benoit apparently - we'll get to that - killed his wife and son over the weekend, and then hung himself at some point before authorities investigated his home on Monday. He had missed a couple of WWE events, and some of his friends had received "disturbing" text messages, thus prompting the investigation.

But they just discovered that Chris Benoit's wikipedia entry was edited - 14 hours before the investigation revealed the Benoit family's deaths - to say that he had recently missed WWE events due to the death of his wife. From an IP in Stamford, Connecticut, where the WWE is based. But wait... the bodies were found at Benoit's home in Atlanta.

Something tells me we haven't heard the end of this.

God Bless The Second Amendment

Here's a little news story you might not have heard:

In Anoka county, Minnesota, on Thursday, an off-duty, out-of-uniform police officer, driving an unmarked car, got into a little traffic spat with another driver, one Martin Treptow, aged 35.

Treptow had his wife and two children in the car, so when the other driver - the police officer, unbeknowsnt to Treptow - parked his car behind the Treptow's at a stoplight, got out, and pulled a gun, Treptow did the only thing he could think of to protect his family from what he saw as an immediate threat to their life.

He pulled out his firearm and fired three shots at his assailant; hitting the officer once in each leg, and once in his arm.

The officer, having been punked out by a civilian, failed to return fire. Thankfully, he is fine, and hopefully will know better than to pull a weapon on someone when out of uniform in the future; he was treated at the hospital and released.

Treptow has been released - as it should be - without charges; he had a permit for his gun, and used it exactly as it should be used - to defend his family from an immediate, imminent threat.

Personally, as I tend to take the Constitution seriously, I don't like the permits at all, but I understand them. But that is an argument for another time, and certainly another blog post.

What happened here is that a law-abiding citizen used force in defense of his family, in exactly the way the Second Amendment was originally intended to provide for; he was released without charge, because he complied with the law; and for once, justice appears to have been served.

Not too common these days. And I hope the officer has the good sense - although personally I doubt it based on his behavior - to NOT sue the Treptows; this incident was entirely his fault, and should not be laid at the Treptow's door.

Mr. Treptow: I salute you. Not very many people these days have the balls to defend their families at all, much less to do so with firearms.

Next time, stop watching so many movies, and aim center mass, though, hmmmm? Much as I admire and respect the officers of the law, anyone stupid enough to pull a gun while out of uniform because of road rage deserves a Darwin Award.

Hollywood Revisits The Past: Mother's Day, Part 1 of 4

Yes, four articles today, to make up for the preceding few days of not very much.

In December of 2005, I posted an article in Xeno's Paradox about a scandalous event in Enumclaw, Washington.

A man went to a barn, sexually molested a horse, and the horse screwed him to death. Now, that's gross, but not all that important in the grand scheme of things, so I didn't do much follow-up on it, and since I didn't realize that the news site would remove the article, you know, 2 days after they posted it, I didn't exactly flesh things out with a lot of detail.

Unbeknownst to me - because really, zoophiles aren't of THAT much interest - it turned out there was more to the story after all. In fact, the man and his friend were members of a secret society of Seattle-area zoophiles, people who sneak out to area farms and screw, or get screwed by, animals.

Gross.

But, since Hollywood is more fascinated by the grotesque than am I, a film is making the rounds in Seattle, describing the incident, and its meanings.

It's called "Zoo."

Really, nobody ought to see it, I suspect; there's not a lot filmmakers can really do to make a horse-buggering trespasser all that sympathetic, but that doesn't mean they didn't try.

Maybe it's because of the incipient Writer's Guild strikes; Hollywood is running out of people willing to dredge up TV shows from the 1960s and rehash tired franchises with sequel after sequel. I don't know. But I do know that "going to see a man about a horse" takes on a whole new meaning these days.

Go, Vegans! Mother's Day, Part 3 of 4

Now, I really try not to make a big deal about how stupid I think Veganism really is.

Honestly. How many articles have you read by me making noise about that?

That's right; none. But today, we're going to discuss it. There is a point to this, and it relates to Mother's Day, as well, which I'll get to. But bear with me.

Ever look in the mouth of a cat? A cat has no molars; just sharp, ripping teeth. This is because a cat is what's called an obligate carnivore: it MUST eat meat, to survive. This meat can be fish, or fowl, or game; the type doesn't matter, but if a cat doesn't get meat in its diet, it'll die.

A cow, on the other hand, has nothing but flat teeth, for chewing grain and grass, and multiple stomachs, for digestion of vegetable matter; this is because a cow is an herbivore, which means it MUST eat vegetables, or it will die. Those vegetables can be pretty much anything not actually poisonous, although admittedly I've never seen a cow eat an oak tree, but if a cow doesn't get its fill of vegetables daily, it'll die.

A human, on the other hand, has both kinds of teeth; flat for veggies, and sharp for meat. This is because we as a species are what's termed "omnivores," which is slightly inaccurate: it means "ones who eat everything," which is not ENTIRELY true. I dunno about you, but sheet metal is beyond me. But still; the point of the term is that meat and vegetables are both necessary for a proper human diet.

One of those words is the important one. Want to guess which?

Yeah. "Necessary." In other words, if human beings are not nourished with protein complexes, lipids, carbohydrates, and minerals found in both types of food, animal and vegetable, they will acquire various diseases as symptoms of malnourishment, and DIE.

Now, there are quite a few Vegans around; people who believe that any consumption of animal products, despite their biological dictates, is some kind of moral evil. They're not dead. But I challenge you to go look at them. The only ones who aren't malnourished in some way - because contrary to popular belief, it IS NOT POSSIBLE to get animal-manufactured proteins and lipids from plants - are taking dietary supplements; those supplements contain the necessary proteins and lipids to maintain their health - and they are manufactured from animal products.

A more delusional and self-loathing bunch cannot be found, in my opinion.

But I've never seen that insanity devolve into a level near what happened in Atlanta, on April 25th, 2004, and whose chilling consequences are only now reaping their just reward.

On Wednesday last, Jade Sanders and Lamont Thomas were sentenced to life in prison for starving their son to death. Crown Shakur Sanders was six weeks old when he died on April 25th. The couple admitted openly that they had fed him a diet consisting entirely of soy-based products and applesauce; breast milk is an animal product, you see. MILK is an animal product. And being "pure" as a Vegan was more important to them than the health of their son.

The prosecutor in the case called the couple "not Vegans, but babykillers!" in a fit of departure from his normal legalese. Sadly, he's wrong; they are certainly babykillers, but they were also Vegans. Because anyone who tries to deny the simple biological requirements for food is crazy. I mean, absolutely bat-shit insane; gone south; lost their marbles; FUBAR; and just, plain, simply, nuts.

Your body requires certain forms of nutrition. The reality - however much you may willfully deny it - is that some of those elements are only present in the consumption of other life. This couple's insistence on denying that reality killed their only child, and earned them life in prison.

They claim they didn't realize he was in trouble until minutes before he died, despite attributing his unnatural state of emaciation to his Vegan diet.

Does the connection really, honestly not occur to you?

An Article For ADULTS ONLY!!! NOT WORK SAFE!!!

Ok. I'm a sexist. I know this, because, as a man, I commit on a daily basis the utterly unforgivable crime of appreciating female beauty.

I like women.

I am, therefore, somewhat predisposed to root for the pretty ones.

Which brings us to American Idol.

American Idol often has amongst the competitors a slew of reasonably attractive women, and I always root for them - frankly, even if they suck - because that means I get to appreciate their gorgeousness longer.

HOWEVER, American Idol does not appreciate its contestants showing more than would be acceptable onstage; in fact, they have booted contestants - well-liked, popular contestants - before, due to the merest hints of impropriety. As is their right.

Which brings us to Antonella Barba.

I liked her in the auditions, and in Hollywood week; not only gorgeous, but possessed of what seems to be a fairly sweet, if shallow, nature, and a passable singing voice. I was somewhat disappointed when she performed so far below her ability this week, but glad the voters kept her. Most likely, they kept her for the same reason I would have. Great legs.

Sadly, we're almost certain to see her go away in the next week or so.

Because she has made the mistake a lot of young people are making these days; she thought her caught-on-camera escapades would escape notice.

They haven't.

Enjoy this look at Miss Barba; there most likely won't be many more.

***********THERE IS SOME NUDITY FROM THIS POINT SO IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BAIL NOW***********

Now, while this photo is SO VERY cheesy, I don't think the American Idol folks would be all THAT offended.




Now, that's HOT, but again, probably not a problem.




Edging up on a bit racy. I'd still vote for her.




If you're male, your pants are probably a bit uncomfortable, but you're still within the bounds of propriety, just barely.












Ok, now that right there would probably get her yanked, but they'd be nice about it, yanno?

"Um, ok, thanks for coming but we're very sorry, you're not 'clean' enough for our show... thanks very much, bye now."






OK! We have a winner!

Miss Barba! It was ever so much fun leering at your really spectacular legs; when your fall from grace leads to a long career in porn, I will be in line to buy the first DVD... but your pink ass is GONE from American Idol!

Thanks for trying, though.

The OMGWTF, It Grows, And Changes...

...Before I really get started, 300 was out for screenings. You may recall me blogging about this movie, and its associated little history lesson. You may, of course, not. But AICN.com posted a review, which had this to say:

I just saw a movie that'll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It's called 300. I don't know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could've called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it'd still rule.

Eye boners. Nice. Not since Sin City.

I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that's hitting someone's balls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

A hammer made of frozen whiskey?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I've seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.

Whoa, that WOULD be a good movie, wouldn't it?

Ok, so, anyway:

First off, you're not supposed to take Monty Python movies, funny though they are, as serious guides to parenting and child education. Sadly, no-one shared this tidbit with Rhode Island mom Rebecca Arnold. As a result, she's now facing felony child neglect charges, after giving an impromptu sex-ed class to her nine-year-old daughter, by having the girl sit on the bed while Arnold had sex with her boyfriend. Asked why they'd thought this would be a good idea, the boyfriend replied by saying:

We wanted to prepare her so she would know how.

I have to wonder, seriously, if you've given much thought to this, sir. Kids are very likely to TRY anything you teach them how to do, ESPECIALLY if you tell them how good it feels; nothing is better, of course, than a pregnant ten-year-old. I guarantee that if a nine- or ten-year-old girl goes looking for sex, she can find a pervert who will be delighted to take care of that for her. Way to go, mom and dad.

Let's see. My FAVORITE PEOPLE IN ALL THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, the RIAA, have dropped another bombshell: they say we oughta be glad CDs are as cheap as they are. You know as well as I do that they have no sense of irony, and no sense of humor; they appear to be absolutely serious. Not only that, but they make the utterly ludicrous suggestion that CDs are a good value in comparison to other forms of media entertainment.

Let me just reality check that, right now. You can go to Wal-Mart, and test this yourself. They have racks and racks of just-as-reusable DVDs at Wal-Mart, for prices ranging from $5 to $9. These DVDs often contain multiple versions of a movie; widescreen and standard resolutions; commentary tracks; interviews with cast and crew; trailers; featurettes; and sometimes even PC-DVD features as well. A CD, by comparison, costs between $10 and $22, and comes with - wait for it - liner notes. The entertainment value-to-dollar ratio for a DVD is far higher than that of a CD, and yet the average DVD is cheaper, often by half, than a CD.

As witness, for example, Walmart has the complete series - every single episode - of the ten-season series, Friends, for less than $200. This is, even if you ignore all the special features and whatnot, 238 22-minute episodes, for a total "entertainment" value of 5236 minutes, or a cost of 3.5 cents a minute. By comparison, the KISS box set, which retails for 60 bucks, contains 94 songs, at an average song length of 3.2 minutes - a total "entertainment" value of 300.8 minutes, or a cost of 19.6 cents a minute. KISS apparently out-"value"s Friends by a lot; it costs 5.6 times more than Friends in terms of price per minute. That's 1/17th of the entertainment content, for 1/3 of the price. Come ON, folks. REALLY.

Of course, you could get screwed by George Lucas again. When the fuck will people stop giving him money, for God's sake? He made two great (and one decent) movies, assed them up with an utterly horrible trilogy of prequels, and has raked in the cheddar endlessly. PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T GIVE HIM ANY MORE MONEY TO MAKE MORE STAR WARS CRAP. I loved the original 3 movies, before he monkeyed with them. The original movies - as in, the original trilogy in their theatrical release forms - were great movies. The "revamped" versions were significantly less cool. The prequels killed my love for the franchise forever.

I've said many times before, although I don't recall blogging about it specifically, that minimum wage increases hurt minimum wage earners. Yeah. I wasn't wrong. And teens in Arizona are now finding that out, the hard way. Why? Because employers don't worry about teens as much - they have "other means of support." The employees who really need their jobs are the ones still at minimum wage in their thirties. In addition to teens losing jobs, and not being hired for new ones, employers have raised prices across the board to share the love with their customers - exactly what I said would happen, and exactly what every economist who owns a calculator also said.

Oh, and while I'm mocking the political antics of the Left, Hillary Clinton now says that when she voted FOR the Iraq invasion, she was making a "show of support" for U.N. sanctions and more weapons inspections, not a"pre-emptive war." She evidently didn't read the resolution she voted on, which said:

The President is authorized to use the Armed Forces of the United States as he determines to be necessary and appropriate...

Uh-huh, sounds like more sanctions to me. Sadly, most of the people who read this story will most likely fall for her incredible line of bullshit. Senator Clinton, you voted for the war. YOU VOTED FOR THE WAR. Way to man up and simply say - if you honestly believe this, which I don't think you do - that that vote was a mistake.

If you thought it was a mistake, why is it that everything you pass in Congress against the situation in Iraq is a "non-binding resolution?" Non-binding means: it doesn't affect One. Damned. Thing. The only reason for that is so that you can continue your political gaming without fear of the inevitable consequences if you actually win in 2008: the electorate will expect you to magically solve the Iraq situation - because you've said repeatedly you could - and when you can't, the backlash against you will be far worse than the current negativity towards Republicans.

Good planning. Really.

Running With The Devil Again!

News for those of you, like Tara, that still remember...

David Lee Roth has officially rejoined Van Halen.

Nothing Is More Fun Than The Stupid!

Microsoft LOVES its own products!

I have had the chance to live with final versions of both Office and Vista for a few weeks now. I’ve been using them long enough that they have become second nature to me. I no longer think to myself, “Wow — this is a great new feature.” I just use it. Even so, I marvel at how much easier Office 2007 has made my work. (For the record, Office 2007 also works perfectly with Windows XP.)

That's great, chief; it might even hold some credibility if, say, you maybe didn't work for Microsoft.

Ready for some fun? Because the news has been a veritable barrage of silliness over the last few weeks.

Let's start with Bill Gates.

This is the richest man in the world, and in theory ought to be able to understand the market, and the things that people want, and be aware of the state of technology.

So why is he gleefully expounding about "innovations" that the Japanese have taken for granted for years?

VOIP, internet TV, programming a la carte over the internet, all of these are things that have been the standard - mandated by law - in Japan for several years. And yet somehow Bill Gates thinks that we're so unaware of this that he will give a serious interview claiming that these things are new, and revolutionary?

But it's more than this. Gates' company has spent nearly seven years in development of what would become Windows Vista; it has been the biggest software development program in the history of mankind. Hundreds of thousands of man-hours have gone into Vista, and the end result is an OS so secure that you can't play PopCap Games on it, because they're not family-approved. They're not? And here I thought all the countless Arkanoid clones would surely be rated "E." Of course, this only happens if the company can afford to have their games reviewed by the ESRB.

Most websites can't.

Which means that the Vista parental controls - which are conveniently all or nothing - block PopCap, and a ton of other sites, because they have no ESRB ratings, and are therefore assumed by Vista to be non-kid friendly.

I mean, it wasn't enough to change the terms on the Vista Upgrade Edition coupons they gave out to try to build initial interest - AFTER handing them out - so that Upgrade Edition purchasers will not be able to perform a "clean" install of the software. No. Crippling your product without telling anyone isn't exactly customer-friendly; but I'd bet that if Vista were in fact as secure and yet usable as its publicity has been claiming, people would overlook these little problems, as they have always done in the past, in favor of the new features.

The real problem is that it's NOT secure, or usable. Firstly, User Access Control stops your work entirely to demand your attention when you try to perform any operation it deems unsafe, which is most things the average user does with a computer. Making a change to a file on the hard drive, for example. I only personally do that a few HUNDRED times a day. I don't know about you; but for me, the blitz of confirmation dialogs would prompt me almost immediately to turn the feature off completely, thus making the machine totally unguarded against threats, and requiring me to purchase and run exactly the type of security software Vista's security features were obviously designed by a trained, typing bear to eliminate.

Secondly, and more worrisome, is the fact that even with the Vista security features in place, the OS is STILL full of holes. It was released to the public on Tuesday. Today is Thursday. Microsoft just acknowledged today the existence of a security hole allowing a hacker to take complete control of a Vista computer using its own built-in Voice Recognition feature - one of the very features used as a selling point in the Vista publicity campaign.

Even news copywriters trying to come up with nice things to say about Vista can't manage it; they're forced to list as "Vista features" things that are in fact in Internet Explorer 7, or Office 2007, rather than OS features, and they're forced to admit that Vista itself kinda, well, sucks.

Let's see, what did the nice man at Canada.com say?

UPDATE: Okay, I feel lied to. My Vista Ultimate is now fully up to date and I've just spent the past hour trying to figure out how to access these nifty new features, such as Group Shot and the video desktop, which is apparently called Dreamscene. It ain't happening, which means I'll be putting in an annoyed call to Microsoft tomorrow. Stay tuned..

This, he says, after literally hours of downloading to get the patches which Microsoft didn't bother to ship with the retail version.

Great Job!

If you look back, Microsoft has made a practice of copying "features" from other companies, re-engineering them poorly, renaming them, and then loudly touting them as "innovations," which they were when their actual inventors thought them up, thanks. Internet Explorer 7 didn't come up with tabbed browsing, guys. Mozilla, and Firefox, have been using tabs for years, as has Opera, and Netscape. In fact, IE has been the only browser WITHOUT tab support for quite a while. Very innovative, they way they run to catch up.

I would recommend not buying Vista unless you have absolutely no choice. Don't support this senseless company and its shoddy products any more.

Moving right along...

It's always nice to know that there are politicians who are really honest and all about straight shooting, right? I bet when I said that, you thought about John McCain (R, AZ), didn't you? It's only natural; he makes the claim that that's his mission in life every time there's a camera on him. Try taking a look at what he really does, instead. It's very interesting viewing.

To share the love, although the Hillary For Prez campaign has already gotten the video removed from YouTube, (which apparently doesn't like McCain either, as they let the video about him stay,) this site has a great rundown of the things Hillary has said about her vote to go to war in Iraq. Also very interesting reading. Since the video is gone. Way to man up, YouTube.

In an amazing story, bloggers are helping to get a gross miscarriage of justice overturned. See, there's this 17-year-old boy living in Georgia, named Genarlow Wilson. He had the horrible lack of good sense to have his 15-year-old girlfriend give him a blowjob.

I can't imagine WHAT he was thinking.

Apparently, now he can't either; the illegitimate sex act has landed him in jail for a ten-year sentence, as well as permanently slapping him onto the sex offender lists, despite the fact that the act was caught on video, and even the judge and jury clearly saw - and SAID IN COURT - that the act was clearly voluntary on the part of the girl.

Still; free will is irrelevant in a zero-tolerance society. Off he goes to jail, and this is where bloggers come in handy. A ton of bloggers, like my friend Becky, have raised such a ruckus about this case - Becky is a former prosecutor, so she has some idea what she's talking about when she calls it a miscarriage of justice, by the way - and the end result is that the Georgia state Senate is trying to pass a law to get him out of jail.

Becky said - and I agree with - the following:

First of all, Mr. Wilson should never have been charged. As I understand it, the girl was not only not coerced, she initiated the whole thing. Their ages and relationship was not the kind of thing the statutory rape laws were designed to prevent. And, even if the stick up his ass prosecutor had felt a law had been broken, and he had a public duty to do something, then I am certain there would have been some stupid thing like sexual mischief that could have been charged, rather than rape.

She also - and again, I agree fully - called the prosecutor an asshole.

Once again, moving right along...

A few days ago, some girl whose father was a early responder on 9/11 went to meet with the President to ask about the effects of 9/11 on those "at ground zero," and to do so, missed school.

I would have thought meeting with the President would be a big enough deal that the school would let that absence slide, but no; they gave her shit about it.

Until she showed them the pimp hand. Apparently, realizing that the administrators of here school were as magically fucktarded as administrators everywhere these days, her parents had the good sense to ask for a note.

And thus, a 12-year-old girl got to give her no doubt annoying principal a note written and signed by the President of the United States asking for her absence to be excused.

You don't see THAT every day, let me tell you.

You don't see Katie Holmes every day, either. This is because her apparent conversion to Scientology, and her marriage to now-notorious crazy Tom Cruise, have apparently made her a Hollywood pariah, and as a result no-one will hire her.

I bet after the divorce she will do better research before dating.

I will admit that porn is not offensive to me. I know a lot of people who scream loudly that it's a horrible thing, yet the sales numbers seem to declare at least SOME of them total screaming hypocrites. That notwithstanding, I was actually unaware that any particular performer had created such a "body of work," if I may be excused for using the term, that it warranted the creation of its own cable channel.

I was woefully ignorant.

Apparently Jenna Jameson is the first to reach such a lofty height; she is getting her very own, all-Jenna cable network, featuring round-the-clock pay-per-view display of an endless rotation of her movies. That's actually sorta depressing.

In news of the really, really gross, this woman went to the doctor complaining that she just couldn't lose weight no matter what, and was desperate for a gastric banding operation. The surgeons opened her up, only to find that she actually was 93 pounds lighter than she had claimed - after they removed the 93 pound ovarian cyst that she had somehow been unable to notice on her own.

She apparently thought she was just really, really fat.

In fact, she was carrying around a sac containing 12 GALLONS of fluid (LGT a really icky picture of the nasty thing.) That's gross, and evidence of complete lack of attention. Anyone paying any sort of attention to themselves should have caught on; it would have felt different from the rest of her body. This begs the question - woman, do you ever WASH? If you run soapy hands over your belly, you would have noticed a place where the sensations were a bit different. Maybe a bit numb; maybe a bit painful; but different. The tissue would have felt different.

This exact phenomenon is why people do breast exams; it's possible to FEEL A LUMP WITH YOUR FINGERS, you know. How do you miss a growth of that magnitude?

I so want to tell the surgeons, "You can't cure stupid."

...Especially if you refuse the vaccinations for it.
One of the leading Muslim doctors in England is advising Muslims to avoid vaccinating their children, and instead breastfeed their children until they are two years old.

That'll sure stop the measles.

The good news, of course, is that if they get cancer, they can just eat more hot food. Medical studies now show that capsaicin, the chemical compound that makes the habanero pepper so wonderfully piquant, and is used in pepper sprays the world over, actually kills cancer cells without damaging surrounding tissues.

Yeah, that's right, hot food cures cancer.

More studies are being done, but preliminary research looks promising; maybe one day the jalapeno farmers will be responsible for a final cure for cancer.

...And you thought I was nuts for eating things spicy!

Better watch the content of your food, though, if you live in Britain. Apparently, childhood obesity is now a sign of child abuse; "fat police" are checking schoolchildren, and any kid over a certain weight ratio is taken to foster care.

That's right; your kid likes to eat a bit too much, and that means that you are EXACTLY THE MORAL EQUIVALENT of the parent who beats their children bloody in drunken rage. And, in fact, more likely to reap consequences for your actions, as children who are beaten are often ashamed, as though they had done something wrong, and often try to hide the signs of abuse, resulting in many actually abusive parents escaping punishment. It's hard to hide the fact that you're fat; so the parents of fat children are more likely to be punished, in fact, than actual child abusers.

You know, I had a few bad things happen to me when I was a kid.

I've also been fat most of my life.

You know what? I'd take the fat, any day, over going back to being a kid again. Being fat doesn't equate to child abuse. For anyone to claim it does is an insult to anyone who's ever actually been abused.

You Only Wish Your Wedding Party Was This Much Fun

...Because it wasn't, I promise.

Really.

What did you do?

A slow dance?

"Party games"?

You didn't do anything that was this much fun - or this funny - and I assure you that 99% of you guys couldn't do what the groom did in a million years.

Ready?

Now THAT is one dude who watched that music video tooo many times, IMO.

But still. I know you wish you had had that much fun at your wedding.

Just for comparison, and maybe for the nostalgia...




...He ain't no Michael Jackson, maybe, but the groom can dance.

Oh, the 80's cheese.

It's odd how iconic that video is. You may not even remember ever seeing it, but I bet you recognized the dance - and the song - immediately, didn't you?

It's pervaded popular culture to an extent you really wouldn't believe.

It's even invaded gaming. For example:




The female Necromancer's "/dance" emote, from Guild Wars.

That, friends and neighbors, is a legacy. Regardless of all the horrible things Jackson has done, and will no doubt do some more of, he will always be remembered for that video. I suppose there are worse forms of immortality, hmmm?

Politics, Deadly Radio Contests, And LION ATTACKS! No Slow News Day Here, Or Anything...

First up is politics.

I'd like to talk for a sec about racism.

See, racism is a problem that perpetuates itself when any division between the races is implied.

For example, if we're all equal, and there's no issue of race involved, then why does Unemployment want to know what race you are? If it doesn't matter...then what does it matter?

So, today, a great idea went ignored, and in fact treated with contempt, because a white man dared to address a race issue.

Namely, the existence in Congress of a "Black Caucus," whose membership is entirely black.

If they're not racist, then why are they separate? If the real issue for blacks is equality, then why exclude white members? And, more importantly, if it's ok for blacks to have a club that whites can't join, but whites can't have a club that blacks can't join, isn't that racist against...

...whites?



Which is exactly why Representative Tom Tancredo - a white man - thinks the Black Caucus ought to be abolished.

And it is because of his RACE that his idea is being treated with contempt, instead of thought.

I put it to you that anyone disregarding a valid point because of who's saying it is discriminating - openly - against the person doing the talking. In this case, it's black Congressmen and women, discriminating against a white Congressman.

On to more unusual news:

You may have heard about the lady in California who won a Wii in a radio contest - by drinking so much water she later died. Of course, her family is suing the radio station; this goes almost without saying.

But I have to ask: does the radio station bear liability for people too stupid to be alive? I mean, come on, folks. Yeah, the radio station's idea was dumb, sure, but what does that say about everyone who entered it?



Is there not some point at which you begin to question the wisdom of your actions?

I mean, for me, the point at which you start to feel like hell, is the point at which you stop, not the point at which you complain to the DJ and then go right back to guzzling down the water.

...Wait, isn't that exactly what she did?

Yes. Yes it was.

I have a great idea for the family: try looking for a new, better Mom, to replace the old, stupid Mom. You'll make out better, and most likely end up happier, than you will even if you win your lawsuit against the radio station.

...Moving right along...

So, this couple is camping.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a mountain lion leaps on the husband, knocks him to the ground, starts trying to gnaw off his head, and by doing so, proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that these are two of the most cool-headed, hardcore people, ever.



How so?

Well, let's see. First, the husband didn't scream; he asked his wife for help.

She grabbed a 4-inch-thick branch and starting beating the cat with it.

He, while his head is being mauled, says "I have a pen in my pocket, stick it in his eye."

She did. The cat still wouldn't let go, so she went at him with the log again, until the cat finally went "OMGWTF" and let go of him and ran away.

Dude. You had your HEAD BEING CHEWED BY A LION and you had the presence of mind to tell your wife to try a different tactic?

I'm pretty cool in a crisis, but I probably woulda been saying something like "AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHOMGWTFGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFFAME" or some such.

"I have a pen in my pocket, stick it in his eye."

Jesus Christ, dude, that's one way to try out for the Hardcore Master of 2007 Award.

Ok, here's the link to the story, but be warned that the guy is pretty mangled, and the pic is right up top.

Oh, and to complete the Hardcore Award, she's 65, and he's 70.

Damn.

ITP: I Discover That I Am An Intellectual Cripple And Should Be Ashamed.

I admit freely that I'm not the world's smartest man, but I do try to keep a relatively level head most of the time.



However, I have been pretty decisively outclassed, pretty much for good. And so have you.



A kid named Thiago Olson, of Rochester Hills, Michigan, pretty much pwned all of us. And now I feel like a dumbass.



You know the cliche: teenager goes out for the science fair, builds something cool in his garage out of spit and baling wire and the grudging support of his parents, who wish he would find a nice girlfriend. His "experiment," despite its humble origins, turns out to be world-changing in some dramatic way, and he wins admiration, the respect of his parents, and usually a fairly presentable girl along the way.



You've seen October Sky. Or if you haven't, you should; it's really a very good movie - and it's actually true.



So, it may be a cliche, but sometimes it's an accurate one.



This is one of those times.



But enough with the futzing around. This excellent example of Middle America built a working nuclear FUSION reactor in his garage. He is only the 18th person in the world outside a laboratory to ever have created a successful fusion process. Ever.



He is on the track team; plans to go to college; and eventually wants to work for the government.



I'd say that's a damn fine resume you have there, kid. Keep up the good work.