2005: What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been

So many things happened this year that were newsworthy, but the thing is that you most likely already know about most of them: the election success in Iraq, the new Nazi Pope, Jessica and Nick getting divorced.


I'm not about all that.
So, in the spirit of bringing the news the big sites forget right to your desk, here is MY version of a "Year-In-Review" for 2005. Take a deep breath.

Congress tried valiantly this year to outlaw anything a reasonable person might want to use their VCRs or DVD players for, like fast-forwarding past the commercials. The MPAA tried paying off cops when lawsuits didn't work, a FRENCH court got something right, and the (now former) CEO of TYCO proved that cream isn't the only thing that rises to the top.

Senator Orrin Hatch, from Utah, finally managed to PASS one of his many, many copyright-related bills: FECA. Unreal Engine 3 was released to developers, and became hailed as the gold standard for future games, the RIAA and MPAA made a ton of money, the U.S. Court of Appeals banned the FCC's "broadcast flag," and Billy Crystal told an audience to ram their cellphones up their asses. The FAA announced "No Billboards In Space!" while the folks at Sony announced that you won't have to buy HD-DVDs when they come out, if you own a PlayStation 3.

Microsoft announced the all-new, even-more-cryptic-for-no-good-reason RED Screen Of Death, giant boogers are infesting the oceans, Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank, made Senator Jack Reed look like a monkey on TV, the Secretary-General of the U.N. got caught selling oil-for-food contracts to his relatives under the table, and a 73-year-old Kenyan farmer killed a full-grown male leopard with his bare hands. The government gained the ability to bulldoze your home to build a strip mall, but that's ok.

PlayStation makes better soldiers, according to the Army; the new Battlestar Galactica kicks A$$, and the Pentagon was forced to put their plans for a Super Electric Death Ray on hold for a while.

In August, a housecat held an alligator at bay for hours until animal control officers arrived.

"Intelligent Design" hit the news in a big way, and an online plague killed thousands.

A software bug forced a recall of 75,000 cars; it took Memphis cops a two-month sting operation to bust a crack house that had a sign on the door saying "Crack House," Florida police arrested a stuffed llama, a guy trying to carjack a full limo got the beatdown of a lifetime, and Overstock.com's former president offered investors the worst excuse in history.

The MPAA sued a 67-year-old grandpa because his grandson downloaded movies they already owned, a newspaper got their homepage stolen, the Russians admitted their spy satellites are worthless, and a U. S. Senator claimed he shouldn't be held responsible for his voting record.

A woman driver working for the Massachusetts Department of Mental Retardation drove her van through some guy's wall, a guy in Hawaii tried to beat up some cops with a tree, and a farm outside Duluth spilled 10,000 gallons of bullshit.

What a long, strange year it's been, but 2006 looks better every day. Happy New Year, everyone, and I hope things go better this year. Rest assured, if they don't, that I will be here to make fun of you for it.