Well, There's Certainly No Shortage Of Stupid, Is There?

Karl Malone Saves The Day!

Like many during the cleanup process, Malone initially found resistance from federal officials, but he sidestepped them and eventually cleared debris for two weeks, including 115 condemned homes - to allow reconstruction efforts to begin.

That's right. Karl Malone, NBA star, also owns a huge construction company, and volunteered his entire organization to help with Katrina relief in New Orleans. The government's response? "Don't call us. We'll call you." So, being the swell guy he is, Malone gives them the finger, and goes ahead and helps out anyway - to the tune of six million dollars. He cleared 115 condemned homes and "rubble" out of the way of rebuilding efforts, despite the efforts of the feds to stop him. Being as that's more work than the feds have done since the storm, I would say the same thing he did. SportsByBrooks has an audio clip of his on-air, non-FCC approved interview with Los Angeles radio host Fred Roggins, and you should check it out.

In a great big publicity-hound extravaganza of surprise, someone got shot at the 50 Cent movie. You heard it here first. Not that it'll stop you from going to see it if you're so inclined, but as an actor, 50 Cent sucks.

Remember the other day, when I was ragging on Sony's new DRM scheme? Well, I was right (what a surprise.) Hackers have now figured out how to hide a virus in Sony's DRM software, allowing them to demolish your firewall and gain free access to your PC. Sony, of course, could not provide a spokesman who was available for comment. Be aware that if you listen to Celine Dion, you could be hating your life really soon, when your computer is seized by hackers to perform DDoS attacks against all-and-sundry. Of course, if you listen to Celine Dion CDs, you probably already hate your life, but I guess that should've gone without saying. Don't mind me; sometimes I just don't pay attention to what I'm talking aboot.

NEWSFLASH! If you're going to show off for your friend by twirling your gun on your finger, you might oughta make sure it's A. unloaded, and B. has the safety on. This Public Service Announcement has been brought to you by Allen Lee Cooke.
(Note that "alcohol was not a factor," in other words, he died of terminal stupidity. Time for a Darwin Award. Save your time - I already submitted it.)

Ok. I hate to be the one to tell you, but cell phone use has gone too damn far. How do I know? Well, over the last two weeks, the same woman has robbed four different branches of Wachovia banks in Virginia - while talking on her cell phone the whole time. Now, I know the conversation must be important, but if you can't be bothered to put the phone down to point a gun at someone and ask them for money, it's JUST TOO MUCH, ok?

And as though pop music wasn't predictable, formulaic, and cookie-cutter enough for you, here come two MIT grads who don't get out enough: Drs. Whitman and Jehan, everyone! That's right, they've developed a computer program that can listen to a song and tell the record companies if it will be a hit or not before they even sign the band. You guys are sure saving the world. See, this is why there's a brain drain to India: our scientists are working on big questions like "How can we sell more Christina Aguilera albums?" while in India, they're working on genetic engineering, medicine, and bioengineering.

Now, remember when Bill Clinton was running for election and they asked him about his history of drug use? Now I would have said "Um, it was the sixties, EVERYONE used drugs." But, instead, he made history by denying that he'd inhaled, which was both stupid and nonsensical. However, it looks like SOMEONE learned from it; a Canadian politician gained himself 11 points in the polls by admitting he used cocaine. Now if only other politicians would have moments of honesty like this: I can just see Ted Kennedy's. "Yes, it's true that I've never actually had a real wage-earning job in my entire life, and I've been a useless drunk my entire time in politics; but you should still pay attention to my oh-so-well-informed opinions anyway."

The Russians surprised no-one by admitting that over 80% of their satellites are basically useless junk that needs replacement. Like Ted Kennedy, most of their satellite force appears to be aging poorly, broken, and clearly past their official service life. Oh, yeah, and they love vodka, too. (Yes, I'm digging at Kennedy today. But frankly, there's a professional wrestler named Kennedy who does more for society than Ted Kennedy does, and he cryingly, screamingly needs to get thrown out on his ear in the next election.)

Blockbuster's thinly disguised publicity stunt with the late fees has failed to save them; they lost over $490 million this quarter. Apparently customers weren't fooled by being charged the full purchase price of a movie instead of a mere late fee. Blockbuster is hinting around about bankruptcy; here's a good idea, instead: lower your stinkin' prices. You charge too freakin' much for movie rentals. This is why everyone has started using Netflix or their local video store; it's almost always cheaper.

Now you, too, can self-incriminate without even knowing it. Robert Petrick of Durham, N.C. found his Google search history used as evidence against him in his trial for murdering his wife. I admit that the guy probably did it, and I'm glad they busted him, but it seems to me that using records he probably wasn't even aware his computer was keeping on him is a little cold. Microsoft, and any other company, ought to be banned from hiding secret record-keeping routines in their software. Maybe that's just me. (But then, I actually know how to remove those records myself, so it's not that big a deal to me.)

Bill Clinton is a bit touchy about having been impeached, it seems; too bad. For those of you who don't know, Bill Clinton's impeachment didn't stem from his behavior with Monica Lewinski. Really! The impeachment charges were perjury and obstruction of justice - over Whitewater, primarily, but also over the fact that he lied openly when sworn in and testifying before Congress. You may not think it was justified, that's fine, but it was hardly an "abuse of the Constitution." The article goes on to discuss Clinton's retelling of his administration's "achievements," which I just HAVE to say something about. Clinton claims that he turned around the U.S. economy - which is technically true, since the economy was in good shape when he took office and collapsed before he left it - and that he created "Middle East peace initiatives." Now, for my money, you ought to get credit for peace in the Middle East only if you actually achieved it. The Middle East still looks pretty torn up to me, not in small part due to Clinton's habit of negotiating with Yassir Arafat, who was an admitted terrorist.

One can only hope that this particular lawsuit will work out: Chuck Berry is suing three different karaoke distributors, saying that their use of his songs without royalties of licensing constitutes copyright violation. Oh, I hope the courts agree; karaoke is a horrifying nightmare that should really go away, soon.

If you're a child molester addicted to kiddie porn, online chat rooms are already risky enough for you. But you gotta hate your life if you're Bill Pollock of Connecticut; logging into a chatroom to hit on a 14-year-old is dangerous enough, but it's really bad when the 14-year-old in question is really a police detective who is in the process of showing an Assistant State's Attorney how they use the chatrooms to snare, um, Bill Pollock of Connecticut for trying to show his pecker to a 14-year-old. Ha, ha, ha, sucks to be you, dude.

For anyone who's this stupid: don't send your dope through FedEx. That Is All.

Also, if you're currently wanted for conspiracy to commit arson, you probably shouldn't apply for a job as a Dallas sheriff's deputy. They do check for that sort of thing, you know.

Ok. While I admit that what the copy editor of the Danbury, Connecticut News-Times did was wrong, and mean, it was also damn funny. And, after all, he DID get fired for it. Picture this: the Immaculate High School girls' soccer team just won a game, and they take a picture; copy editor sees it, makes private copy of the photo with a somewhat different caption; private copy is the one that gets on front page. Before you know it you've got controversy, because the picture that was published was labeled "Immaculate High School girls' soccer team celebrates teammates' decision to come out of the closet as a lesbian." Whooooo. Funny, but baaaaaaaad.

Ok, does everyone remember that there were terrorist attacks in the US on September 11, 2001? Good. Everyone remember the recent bombings and such in London? Good. Ok. Now those are both good reasons why you shouldn't mail talcum powder to government officials with a note claiming it's anthrax. Of course, we're all smart people here, so we wouldn't do that, but if we did, we'd get arrested, just like Anthony McLoughlin did. Geez, you government guys are so touchy about these things!


Now, having fed you a diet of rich, creamy stupid, I'm going to actually give you some real news. How's that for variety, eh?

Smart kids live longer. Remember my mention earlier of the Darwin Awards? Wendy's been right all along. So has Darwin. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Intelligent Design.

Speaking of Intelligent Design, you may remember me mentioning the controversy over said creationist theory in recent weeks in Dover Township, Pennsylvania. Well, election day came and went, and the voters have spoken: they booted the entire school board of Dover Township out of office. Every. Single. Member.
For those of you who don't know, basically, the Dover School Board decided (because it was an election year, and time to get their names in the news,) to force their science teachers to read a prepared statement about so-called "Intelligent Design" in their classes. They promptly got sued, and the case went to federal court; both sides just rested their cases this week, so theoretically we'll hear about it from the judge sometime soon. Anyway, the township wasn't delighted to be dragged into the national news, apparently. Despite Pat Robertson announcing, post-election, that "God has abandoned Dover Township," the town's apparently not anti-ID, but rather just anti-publicity; the new school board has already flatly stated that they will abide by the judge's decision in this case, whatever it may be.

Bush is yelling about historical revisionistas with regard to Iraq; the odd thing is, he's right. Since he's usually a moron, I'd say this deserves a bit of attention. In case you can't be bothered to read the article yourself, his main complaint is that the Democrats are trying to portray this as a Republican war, when in fact military action was approved by both parties in Congress - including such Democratic luminaries as Barbara Boxer of California, Hillary Clinton of New York, and Ted Kennedy's drunk ass from Massachusetts. I am frankly amazed that the man can even spell the name of his constituents' state.

And finally, I would like to close by saying that yesterday was Veteran's Day. As I am a veteran, it is a holiday near and dear to my heart, and should be accorded more attention than it has so far received. In particular, we should remember those who've contributed so much to our freedom and are on the edge of being forgotten. One such is the most highly-decorated soldier in our nation's history: Audie L. Murphy. Audie Murphy was a soldier during World War 2; he was awarded every decoration for valor in combat authorized by the U.S. Army, as well as 5 awards from France and Belgium. You should go check out his page and learn a bit about him, and the tremendous service he, among so many others, has accorded to this country.
And while I'm at it, be cool to the veterans of Iraq, too: whatever your opinions of the situation over there, the fact is that our armed forces have served well and with gallantry, and they deserve our support and respect.