It's Finally Happened!

I never thought this day would come.

No, I mean it, NEVER.

Some few of you may remember an article I posted about three years ago talking about the long, strange saga of Duke Nukem Forever.

Some of you may be wondering what the hell I am blathering on about now.

So, ok, recap. (I was going to say "short" recap, but when I wrote it I realized it really wasn't. At all.)

Long ago, there was a game. It was called Duke Nukem.

It featured a loud, sarcastic, misogynistic, overly-testosteroned hero who smoked cigars and openly skirt-chased, facing off against aliens invading earth "to steal our chicks."

It was stupid, but a lot of fun.

A couple of years went by, and they released a (vastly superior) sequel, named Duke Nukem 3D, conveniently enough because it was, errr, 3D. Or, you know, that weird gaming pseudo-3D that isn't but tries really hard.

Even louder, even funnier, even more misogynistic, and you had pipe bombs.

It wasn't a flagship franchise, you know; not like Doom or Deus Ex or Call of Duty, but it was fun.

So, a couple of years went by, and the developer, 3DRealms, proudly announced another sequel: Duke Nukem Forever.

They posted trailers.

They - apparently - spent their entire budget on hookers and blow. Of both kinds.

They made a trailer that actually - at the time - looked promising, and got investors to give them another huge wad of money, which they, again, spent on hookers and blow.

Ok, fair's fair, I don't actually know that for sure, but considering their total lack of production of anything, it's as reasonable as the next guy's guess.

At any rate, years crawled by. Increasingly hostile interviews were granted, in which the developers, like some kind of sinister mantra, chanted to gaming reporters that DNF would be in stores "when it's done."

Which begged the question, "what's the holdup?"

And that question was asked.

Over and over.

For 14 years.

Read that again.

For 14 years, 3DRealms teased the gradually decreasing numbers of fans with cryptic trailers, ads, and again, promises that the game would hit stores as soon as it was done.

And they went bankrupt.

...Shit.

But Take Two Interactive, the parent company, had finally had enough. They were determined to get a game out the door if they had to use Semtex and Czech detonators.

So they got together with Gearbox, a company renowned for producing...

...errr...

...Other shooter games you most likely also haven't heard of. Like Borderlands, Brothers In Arms, all the expansion packs for the first Half-Life game, and Aliens: Colonial Marines.

And after Gearbox had been working on it for less than 9 months, we got a new trailer.

And everyone who still cared saw the headline: New DNF Trailer! and groaned, collectively, with a massive sense that the tease would never end, and we'd go to our graves never seeing this game, but always eternally hopeful.

Then they watched the trailer. And it was...

It was...

Duke.

Just as screwy, just as lewd, just as completely lacking in class, manners, or anything approaching basic human decency.

Just as... funny.

And with irony.

"But what about the game, Duke, is it any good?"

"Yeah, but after twelve fucking years, it should be."

The two or three people that still cared noticed a few things; new graphics engine, what looks like actual gameplay...

...Does this mean there's actually a GAME?

FUCK YES, it does.

Duke Nukem renounced his seemingly eternal title as King Of Vaporware on Tuesday.

I'm not going to say there was rejoicing; frankly, after a total of 15 years (announced in 1997,) the game would have to be better than the Second Coming of Christ, and the EULA on the box would have to cure pancreatic cancer while giving you a blowjob and simultaneously baking you a cake to make it worth the wait.

But Gearbox "took over and continued" development as of August last year - and in less than 12 months, they produced SOMETHING.

I don't know if it's any good. I haven't played it yet. The reviews are less than stellar, although frankly, I'm not sure how much of that is fairly directed at the game itself and how much is directed at 3DRealms for wasting 15 fucking years of our time waiting.

But you know what?

I'm going to find a way to buy it. Probably a year from now, and probably after everyone has stopped giving a damn entirely; but I'm going to buy it.

And I'll bet that two things will happen: I'll bet I will play the hell out of it - and I'll bet I laugh my ass off.

Always bet on Duke.