So, Like, Here's Where I've Been Hiding, And All That

As some of you know, I work at a kosher poultry plant.

It's Passover.

For the two weeks leading up to this one, I worked 11-13 hour shifts every day but Saturday - the "sabbath," yanno - and that's how I ended up where I am today.

Thursday, I started noticing my sinuses were a bit off.

No biggie.

Friday, however, was no damn good at all. Out of nowhere, I developed a gigantic fever, chills, muscle shivers and aches, my sinuses turned into a solid block - and here's the real winner.

Coughing fits every 30 seconds or so. Really bitchin' ones, after which I was totally unable to regain my breath, and was on several occasions left clinging to nearby horizontal objects as though they were nearby stanchions in a furious gale on the high seas.

WTF?!?

Ok, I'm tough, I can hang with all that.

My boss, shining star of compassion that he is, told me not to die before the end of my shift. Because, said he, smirking, "then it won't be on company time."

Blah. Rude gestures only involving the hand I'm NOT currently using to cling like a lamprey to the nearest stable object.

So, Saturday off, right? Bed rest, no problem. Except about 6 PM, I turn my head to look at something and then I feel it:

Slosh.

OH HELL NO.

Yep, bilateral ear infections. It's not enough that I have to cough every sixty seconds, no, I have to feel like the top of my head is going to blow clean off, plus be unable to hear, at all.

Nooooooo problem. I have a sovereign cure for earaches, thanks to my mother. Years of swim team - and the associated hilarity - have instilled in me a deep and abiding respect for this remedy, as it's never failed to bring about results in less than two days.

So, I grit my teeth against the cold, get out the eyedropper, tilt my head over to the side, and dump in 5 drops of Listerine.

After 3 minutes, I drain it on some tissue, swap sides, repeat.

Take that, vicious germies! HaHA!

...Except, it didn't work.

My OMGWTFalarity at this point knows no bounds. So, we start calling for doctor's appointments.

...Only to get told that "we're not taking new patients right now."

...By every doctor in town except two, one who wanted a really crazy sum of money, and one who had no appointment times we could actually go to.

Thankfully, Tara had an appointment with the baby doctor and some lady at the hospital today, so in my infinite genius, I figured "Hey, since we're here," and checked myself in to the emergency room.

They saw me in literally five minutes or so, which was a new one on me; the so-called "emergency" room at a typical hospital usually results in service approximating the advancement rate of glacier growth.

Gave me a room, instructed me to trade in my T-shirt for a gown with those annoying ties behind me, and let me wait.

Within a few minutes, the doc showed up, and checked my ears. At this point, although I am feeling basically no pain, I am feeling enormous pressure in my ears, and am nearly totally deaf. (At this morning's breakfast, I told Tara, "Maybe I oughta keep the ear thing, I can't hear whatever you're rambling on and on about at all." She says, "That's ok. I'll whine louder.")

So, why didn't my home remedy work, doc?

He says, "Because you don't HAVE an ear infection. There's fluid, but no sign of an infection at all. It looks like plain congestion. I'm gonna give you a scrip for some Sudafed."

Mkay. So, if there HAD BEEN any germs, my technique woulda worked fine as per normal, though, right?

"Sure. Doesn't that burn, though?"

In all honesty, not really. There's a bit of a sting if you really have a badass pimp infection, but mostly, it's just cold.

So, got a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia, which it did, and got sent home with a scrip for Sudafed, and the knowledge that I will get over my bronchitis whenever I "feel ready."

Off to the pharmacy we go, where I ask to see one of the Sudafed clones from behind the counter, and find that for $3, it's not only the same active ingredient, but the same DOSAGE, as the scrip.

"Do I REALLY have to wait a half hour for this? Can't I just take this one and go?"

Sure, but I had to fill out a form, because apparently meth addicts have figured out a way to cook Sudafed into crystal meth, so you can't buy it OTC anymore without jumping through hoops. Go figure.

At any rate, hopefully the decongestants will work. Wish me luck.

Oh, the baby doctor?

Ha, ha, ha. I was gonna call this "My Boy, Part Two," but I'll just tack it on the end here, hmmm?

Doc decided to give Tara another ultrasound today, for no reason we were able to figure out.

Midway through, he says, "I can see his big testicles fine, but I can't see his LEGS."

ROFL.

Not only does my boy come with the expected family equipment, but he nutsacked the doc's camera . Waaaaaaahahahahahaha.