Apparently, I have an IQ of 135.
This also means I'm smarter than all the candidates who ran for president in 2004.
I am a huge, but somewhat disguised, nerd. (Disguised? Who came up with this? It's only because I'm a browncoat, and not a Trekkie, I tell ya.)
I am an EVIL nerd, who blogs too much. (There are evil nerds?!?)
I am 52% Republican, 32% Democrat, (and I guess that makes me a Libertarian, doesn't it?)
I am somewhat Machiavellian, a sort of proto-slacker, 80% capitalist - although I base that score on the fact that I thought Martha Stewart SHOULD DAMN WELL have gone to jail - and I am more cutthroat than you think. (Unless you're Samara. SHE knows.)
I drink Tequila, when I can't get any Mexican beer.
I may be a cynic, but I'm an observant one, and I AM smarter than an 8th-grader.
I possess unbridled sensuality, and I'm damn handy in the kitchen, too. (Some of you might already know that. I bet you didn't know that at one point I seriously considered going to a culinary academy, but couldn't afford it.)
I am fairly logical, and my life experience will make me a cool parent. (Good for Jimmy, LMAO.)
I had seriously forgotten how funny the original Revenge Of The Nerds movie really was, until I saw Lewis coming down the stairs in a robe, with a pipe - the exact outfit I used to wear in college when I had just had a similar experience. ("I say we blow their fuckin' houses up.")
I also forgot John Goodman was in it. Damn, he used to be skinny.
I am amazed by people's capacity for self-delusion. Today, I was in the gas station, and I saw a girl wearing something so close to the Hooters' uniform as to make no difference - skin-tight orange short shorts, with either no panties or a very, VERY small thong, a skin-tight and very thin white t-shirt, with no bra. Nipples everywhere. I said to the clerk, "You know what's funny? I bet she'd be all kinds of pissed off if you asked if she works at Hooters." The clerk took one look, laughed out loud, and said "you're most likely right."
I'm kind of pissed off at the manufacturer of the crib we bought, because they're lying mofo's. It purported to be a "3-in-1 convertible crib, with crib, day bed, and full bed in one!"
Riiiight. The "full bed" part is actually "attach bed frame (not included) to headboard."
Good thing the boy won't need that for a year or two, hmmm?
I hate beer distributors - something I've only seen in poor, benighted PA - because they don't know their own product. I went into the one closest to my house today, a place I usually don't go into because they're not bright - and they proved it again.
First, I went into the cooler to try to find something decent I could drink. Look around, I see Yuengling Lager, I see Old Milwaukee, I see Busch and Bud and Coors, WTF?!? Where is my Tecate? Corona? Modelo? Where the hell is all the Mexican beer?
I go out and look, and - no shit - they have like 5 cases of Modelo sitting on the floor in direct sunlight.
I bought some Michelob Ultra, which for a cheapie is actually not that heinous. I also told them that they ought to throw out the Modelo, because they'd just destroyed it by leaving it in the sunlight. They told me, "We don't really sell a lot of that, anyway."
I said, "Did it ever occur to you to ask why?" and showed them the place on the box where it says to store it in darkness, under 45 degrees.
"Oh, wow, I never knew that."
"The fact that they ship it in refrigerated trucks didn't clue you in?"
And you sell beer? That whole goddamn store is alcohol abuse. Thank God I've got Zimmerman's Distributing pretty well trained to keep my goddamn beer cold.
But, after much swearing at Engrish instructions, and wondering why the manufacturer included an Allen wrench that fit every single screw or bolt involved in the assembly WITH THE EXCEPTION of two lonely Phillips screws, I got the crib for my impending disaster of monumental proportions assembled.
I think the boy is making out like a bandit here. Now if only he'd stop stretching inside Tara, and instead come on out, where he can stretch in a bit less crampy space.
Don't think I can't spank you before you come out, boy. (*Gropes Tara's belly*) Aha! THERE'S YOUR BUTT!!!
In other news, I made the mistake of buying the "greatest hits" version of Resident Evil 4 for the Playstation 2 the other day.
"But Dave, it was the game of the year!"
I don't care. It sucks. The aiming is incredibly sluggish, something you can't have in a game where you're getting mobbed by fast-moving enemies, and the camera angle is perched irretrievably behind the character's right shoulder, which essentially means you not only can't look around you to see the battlefield and have no peripheral vision to boot, but in fact EVERY CAMERA ANGLE IN THE GAME IS A BAD ONE.
It took me about 10 minutes to decide that this game was crap. Maybe it was way, way better on the Gamecube, but those looked like design decisions, not console changes. Also, might I add, Capcom, you retarded monkeys, why in the sweet name of FUCK can't you clowns manage to allow control customization in your goddamn games? It's the 21st century, for God's sake, and yet you have "scheme 1" and "scheme 2," scheme 2 being even more screwed up than scheme 1.
So, after getting repeatedly killed by axes flying at me from enemies I was unable to see, and attacked from all sides as I frantically tried to track my aiming from one target to the next, I gave up, took the disc out, and put in God of War. Nothing takes away the frustration of getting whacked because of a camera angle more easily than mowing down hordes of enemies in God of War because you can see where they all are.
Now all we need is a "greatest hits" version of GoW2, and I will be happy.
