Tara meets Jimmy!

I shot this at the hospital when the docs finally let me give him to her.

James and the Giant Bouncy Chair

James, still a noob, trying out his bouncy chair.

Wiggling James

James is a very wiggly little boy. This is still true, even though this video was months ago.

James talking and cooing to the cam

It's pretty dark, but still cute.

James Sitting

My son sitting up, and then getting excited and taking a tumble. He didn't hit his head, but the camera angle makes it look like he did. I assure you he's totally unharmed. Well. Except for the inevitable trauma of having me for a father.

James And The Giant Bouncy Chair

...because I know none of you could wait; all of you were just sitting on the edge of your seats, waiting to leap up with excitement, here is a video of my son enjoying his bouncy chair.

Enjoy!

Go, Vegans! Mother's Day, Part 3 of 4

Now, I really try not to make a big deal about how stupid I think Veganism really is.

Honestly. How many articles have you read by me making noise about that?

That's right; none. But today, we're going to discuss it. There is a point to this, and it relates to Mother's Day, as well, which I'll get to. But bear with me.

Ever look in the mouth of a cat? A cat has no molars; just sharp, ripping teeth. This is because a cat is what's called an obligate carnivore: it MUST eat meat, to survive. This meat can be fish, or fowl, or game; the type doesn't matter, but if a cat doesn't get meat in its diet, it'll die.

A cow, on the other hand, has nothing but flat teeth, for chewing grain and grass, and multiple stomachs, for digestion of vegetable matter; this is because a cow is an herbivore, which means it MUST eat vegetables, or it will die. Those vegetables can be pretty much anything not actually poisonous, although admittedly I've never seen a cow eat an oak tree, but if a cow doesn't get its fill of vegetables daily, it'll die.

A human, on the other hand, has both kinds of teeth; flat for veggies, and sharp for meat. This is because we as a species are what's termed "omnivores," which is slightly inaccurate: it means "ones who eat everything," which is not ENTIRELY true. I dunno about you, but sheet metal is beyond me. But still; the point of the term is that meat and vegetables are both necessary for a proper human diet.

One of those words is the important one. Want to guess which?

Yeah. "Necessary." In other words, if human beings are not nourished with protein complexes, lipids, carbohydrates, and minerals found in both types of food, animal and vegetable, they will acquire various diseases as symptoms of malnourishment, and DIE.

Now, there are quite a few Vegans around; people who believe that any consumption of animal products, despite their biological dictates, is some kind of moral evil. They're not dead. But I challenge you to go look at them. The only ones who aren't malnourished in some way - because contrary to popular belief, it IS NOT POSSIBLE to get animal-manufactured proteins and lipids from plants - are taking dietary supplements; those supplements contain the necessary proteins and lipids to maintain their health - and they are manufactured from animal products.

A more delusional and self-loathing bunch cannot be found, in my opinion.

But I've never seen that insanity devolve into a level near what happened in Atlanta, on April 25th, 2004, and whose chilling consequences are only now reaping their just reward.

On Wednesday last, Jade Sanders and Lamont Thomas were sentenced to life in prison for starving their son to death. Crown Shakur Sanders was six weeks old when he died on April 25th. The couple admitted openly that they had fed him a diet consisting entirely of soy-based products and applesauce; breast milk is an animal product, you see. MILK is an animal product. And being "pure" as a Vegan was more important to them than the health of their son.

The prosecutor in the case called the couple "not Vegans, but babykillers!" in a fit of departure from his normal legalese. Sadly, he's wrong; they are certainly babykillers, but they were also Vegans. Because anyone who tries to deny the simple biological requirements for food is crazy. I mean, absolutely bat-shit insane; gone south; lost their marbles; FUBAR; and just, plain, simply, nuts.

Your body requires certain forms of nutrition. The reality - however much you may willfully deny it - is that some of those elements are only present in the consumption of other life. This couple's insistence on denying that reality killed their only child, and earned them life in prison.

They claim they didn't realize he was in trouble until minutes before he died, despite attributing his unnatural state of emaciation to his Vegan diet.

Does the connection really, honestly not occur to you?

So, Like, Here's Where I've Been Hiding, And All That

As some of you know, I work at a kosher poultry plant.

It's Passover.

For the two weeks leading up to this one, I worked 11-13 hour shifts every day but Saturday - the "sabbath," yanno - and that's how I ended up where I am today.

Thursday, I started noticing my sinuses were a bit off.

No biggie.

Friday, however, was no damn good at all. Out of nowhere, I developed a gigantic fever, chills, muscle shivers and aches, my sinuses turned into a solid block - and here's the real winner.

Coughing fits every 30 seconds or so. Really bitchin' ones, after which I was totally unable to regain my breath, and was on several occasions left clinging to nearby horizontal objects as though they were nearby stanchions in a furious gale on the high seas.

WTF?!?

Ok, I'm tough, I can hang with all that.

My boss, shining star of compassion that he is, told me not to die before the end of my shift. Because, said he, smirking, "then it won't be on company time."

Blah. Rude gestures only involving the hand I'm NOT currently using to cling like a lamprey to the nearest stable object.

So, Saturday off, right? Bed rest, no problem. Except about 6 PM, I turn my head to look at something and then I feel it:

Slosh.

OH HELL NO.

Yep, bilateral ear infections. It's not enough that I have to cough every sixty seconds, no, I have to feel like the top of my head is going to blow clean off, plus be unable to hear, at all.

Nooooooo problem. I have a sovereign cure for earaches, thanks to my mother. Years of swim team - and the associated hilarity - have instilled in me a deep and abiding respect for this remedy, as it's never failed to bring about results in less than two days.

So, I grit my teeth against the cold, get out the eyedropper, tilt my head over to the side, and dump in 5 drops of Listerine.

After 3 minutes, I drain it on some tissue, swap sides, repeat.

Take that, vicious germies! HaHA!

...Except, it didn't work.

My OMGWTFalarity at this point knows no bounds. So, we start calling for doctor's appointments.

...Only to get told that "we're not taking new patients right now."

...By every doctor in town except two, one who wanted a really crazy sum of money, and one who had no appointment times we could actually go to.

Thankfully, Tara had an appointment with the baby doctor and some lady at the hospital today, so in my infinite genius, I figured "Hey, since we're here," and checked myself in to the emergency room.

They saw me in literally five minutes or so, which was a new one on me; the so-called "emergency" room at a typical hospital usually results in service approximating the advancement rate of glacier growth.

Gave me a room, instructed me to trade in my T-shirt for a gown with those annoying ties behind me, and let me wait.

Within a few minutes, the doc showed up, and checked my ears. At this point, although I am feeling basically no pain, I am feeling enormous pressure in my ears, and am nearly totally deaf. (At this morning's breakfast, I told Tara, "Maybe I oughta keep the ear thing, I can't hear whatever you're rambling on and on about at all." She says, "That's ok. I'll whine louder.")

So, why didn't my home remedy work, doc?

He says, "Because you don't HAVE an ear infection. There's fluid, but no sign of an infection at all. It looks like plain congestion. I'm gonna give you a scrip for some Sudafed."

Mkay. So, if there HAD BEEN any germs, my technique woulda worked fine as per normal, though, right?

"Sure. Doesn't that burn, though?"

In all honesty, not really. There's a bit of a sting if you really have a badass pimp infection, but mostly, it's just cold.

So, got a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia, which it did, and got sent home with a scrip for Sudafed, and the knowledge that I will get over my bronchitis whenever I "feel ready."

Off to the pharmacy we go, where I ask to see one of the Sudafed clones from behind the counter, and find that for $3, it's not only the same active ingredient, but the same DOSAGE, as the scrip.

"Do I REALLY have to wait a half hour for this? Can't I just take this one and go?"

Sure, but I had to fill out a form, because apparently meth addicts have figured out a way to cook Sudafed into crystal meth, so you can't buy it OTC anymore without jumping through hoops. Go figure.

At any rate, hopefully the decongestants will work. Wish me luck.

Oh, the baby doctor?

Ha, ha, ha. I was gonna call this "My Boy, Part Two," but I'll just tack it on the end here, hmmm?

Doc decided to give Tara another ultrasound today, for no reason we were able to figure out.

Midway through, he says, "I can see his big testicles fine, but I can't see his LEGS."

ROFL.

Not only does my boy come with the expected family equipment, but he nutsacked the doc's camera . Waaaaaaahahahahahaha.

A Very, Very Brief Blurb...

...because our computer continues to have very serious issues which I am as yet unable to diagnose, but which result in a baffling variety of BSoD's.

Yes, more than one; in fact, it seems to be a different, new one, each time. This suggests to me that perhaps the issue is not in Windows, since a virus scan and a spyware scan came up clean earlier, and checking the hard drive resulted in a clean scan as well.

I suspect that it may be the processor itself, so tomorrow I will yank the processor and replace it with a new one, processors being essentially the only spare parts I have left.

AT ANY RATE!

I just wanted to say, I have an infallible system devised which allows me to predict immediately which American Idol contestants will be eliminated, and which will be kept.

Are you ready for this? It is absolutely infallible.


My tiny infant son kicks the crap out of his mother whenever they are bad singers.


He is completely still if they are good.


HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Of No Doubt Even Less Interest...

...Is our news about the baby, which can be found in all its wonder and majesty over on Xeno's Paradox.

So, go look!

In a bit of a related history lesson, comes the fact that "the bird" in its many forms may well be the oldest obscene human hand gesture.

Known to the Romans as digitus impudicus, "the impudent digit," it was referred to not only in Roman literature, but in plays by ancient Greeks, as well. In fact, its use is documented in literature as far as 2500 years ago.

Those of you who have bought in to the myth of that old internet babbling about British bowmen have been fooled by clever lies and foolishness.

Yet Another Doubleheader, Part 1

So, today we went to the baby doc.



The good news (#1 of 2) is that the baby seems to be doing fine, and objected to the ultrasound wand being pressed against Tara's belly by kicking the crap out of the doctor. Way to go, kid! You're learning already.



The bad news is that we couldn't find out which it was, boy or girl. The doc just couldn't get a good enough look; not because the baby's shy, but just because of the way it's facing.



The good news (#2 of 2) is that he winked, nudged us, and said he's gonna get us an appointment at the medical center in Hershey, to get the super-ultra-really-wacked-out-crazy-cool ultrasound that's all like 3D and shit.



So, no news really for now, BUT, in a couple more weeks when we go to Hershey, we should hopefully have a really kickass not-at-all grainy very very clear pic of the baby to post.



And we should know which kind we're getting, blue or pink.



Ain't it grand? Remember, patience is a virtue.

So, Off We Went To The Doctor...

...At a completely ungodly hour of the morning. This is because the OB-GYN was a 30 mile round trip to a town about whose geography we know squat.



I can find Wal-Mart, but that's about it.



Because I'm smart, I used MapQuest. Because I'm smarter, I ignored their idiotic directions and used their map to plot my own course. Why? I'll show you.



Here's the original directions from mapquest, zoomed out to see the towns:





Here's the directions zoomed in to see the end streets:





Here's the route I actually took:





As you can see, my way was much simpler.



At any rate, we had more trouble finding parking than we had finding the doctor. We got there, waaaaaaay too early, but better early than late; filled out forms, and sat.



Finally, the doc's aide drags us back to the stirrup room. All you women can cringe now. Tara got herself set up on the Chair Of Doom, conveniently covered by a Skinny Person Sheet, and we waited some more.



I finally went out and put more money in the parking meter.



When I got back, the doc was there, and just getting ready for the exam. This is when I uttered a line that no doubt Tara will never let me forget, but it was too goddamn funny, I couldn't resist.



The doc pulled up a swiveling gooseneck lamp, aimed so he could see, and I said "I knew it! THEY DO USE A MINING LIGHT!"



Tara said "DAVID!!"



The doc looked at me like I was insane. But it was still funny.



Anyway, the exam done, all is good, the doc waves me over and does his thing with the ultrasound camera, and we see:





Our baby. James Mack or Danica Marie, we don't get to find out which for 9 more weeks.





Now with sarcastic commentary goodness!



Anyway, she's due on or about April 19th. This is only 3 days off from my little brother's birthday, so we're hoping she can hold on a bit long. If we try REALLY hard we might manage a Taurus.



Anyway, there's our baby. When Tara no doubt blogs her girly version of events, I will cross-link so you can see what she had to say. [*Edited to add linkage, see?]

...And The Good News Continues...

So, I am rudely awoken on Sunday morning, after a late night and much hoopla, by Tara shaking me and pesting me.

"Dave!"

"Dave!"

"Dave!"

"Dave, wake up!"

"Dave, where are your glasses?"

"Dave put your glasses on!"



"Wtf?"



"Dave omg put on your glasses!"

"Here, look at this!"

I squint. She put this smelly stick right up in my face, causing me to recoil and go "Wtf!?!" again.

I look more closely.

I see this:

I'm sure by now, you've realized what kinda smelly stick that is. She points to it and says,



 "That means you're a daddy!"



I grab her, yank her down on the bed, and call her "mama" until she starts sniffling.



I guess three times a day for two months will get you there, huh? Who needs a thermometer, anyway. Pfffft.



Now begins the reign of the OMGWTF.



[*Read her side of the story here!*]