Israel To Hamas: Quit Screwing Around Or We'll Kill You!

Think I'm kidding?

Israel's defense minister warned Tuesday the incoming Hamas prime minister would be assassinated if the Islamic militant group resumes attacks, but the acting Israeli premier also pledged a drastic cut in spending on Jewish settlements in the West Bank.

That's right. The defense minister - one of the top government oficials of a sovereign nation - told the duly elected leader of another sovereign nation that if he didn't behave, they'd kill him. That's way outside what constitutes the norm for international diplomatic communication, and should serve as some indication of how Israel views the Hamas election. They are basically saying that if Hamas feels froggy, they should jump - and heads of state don't usually get to say things like that.

Five boys in Fontana, California, who tried to cheer up a recently-dumped friend of theirs by having a fictitious "girl" chat him up accidentally managed to snare a child molester, instead. Good hunting, guys!


In a not-too-surprising case of "old people knowing life is supposed to be fun," Irene Alice Goguen, of Leominster, MA, who turned 100 on Monday, recommends beer as a health tonic, and says that her husband died years ago because he DIDN'T drink beer.
I'd just like to point out that not too many nutritionists, vegans, dieticians, or doctors have lived to be 100 years old and not yet senile - but there sure seem to be quite a few centenarians who drink and smoke, don't there? Some days it seems like every time you turn around there's some oldster telling the world that hooch and smokes are the secret to long life. (50% of them, according to this study.) My local bar will be pleased to know that I am taking their advice.

Attention, cops: if you don't read the instructions for your speed cameras, chances are drivers will get their fines reversed in court. That is all.

A little more on the guy I was talking about at Xeno's Bastard Love Child who got caught trying to molest a sheep; he has been placed on indefinite leave pending an internal investigation by the Mesa Fire Department.

"I think it's disgusting," Sheriff Joe Arpaio said. "I think of Ghandi who said you judge the morality of a country by the way they treat their animals. . . . I do look at (bestiality) as some type of animal cruelty."

In a stunning turn of events, people are choosing cremation over burial in ever-increasing numbers. This is because it's cheaper. In desperation, funeral home directors are desperately trying to make cremation just as expensive, so people will go buy caskets again.

The average cremation - without the cost of burial and other fees - is about $1,850, said Jack Springer, executive director of the Cremation Association of North America. But add an elaborate urn, a hand-carved wooden casket, full funeral or fees for space in a columbarium and the price can rival, if not exceed, a traditional burial, which runs about $6,000 not including a plot and other fees.

That's right. If you don't buy all the additional crap, getting burned is about $1,850, and getting buried is about $6,000. Gee, in this day and age, I'm only surprised that anyone is left who's seriously surprised people don't want to pay that much.

Do you think Miller beer sucks? I do. And I'm not alone, either. But apparently, the Miller CEO doesn't get that we'd probably buy his company's products if they were, you know, good. Instead, says he, his company's product line is falling on its ass because...

as consumers began to look for more personalization and sophistication, Adami noted, the business failed to catch on quickly enough. Brewers stuck to the formulas that had worked before: mass-advertising campaigns with lots of bikinis and bad jokes.

In other words, we didn't buy your beer because there were too many bikini models. Um... earth to Miller Guys... the ads don't count for jack if your beer tastes like week-stale ass. Which it does. Notice that microbrews are growing quite well, thanks, despite in most cases having NO ADVERTISING AT ALL other than signs INSIDE BARS. Think your connection to reality might need a bit of adjustment?

Not as much as CBS News, evidently; CBS is all worked up about one of ABC's reporters getting hurt in Iraq. Love their concern for the other people injured in the same explosion, don't you? But what I find truly amusing in this article was the following snippet:

Both were wearing body armor, which doctors say likely saved their lives.

Especially since CBS has been portraying our body armor as crap. In fact, they've been making a LOT of noise about it. Just a bit ironic, that. A bit.

The British are joining the Japanese as world-class perverts, something which I, as a professional pervert myself, applaud: they are now selling sex toys in vending machines. Why is this a good thing? Well, because sex shops are, well, gross.

"The younger generation isn't phased by sex toys. They don't believe they equal pornography. Vending machines allow them to buy such products anonymously without going to a seedy sex shops to do so," Lucas said.

Your sea sponge wants a spell check. Oh wait, that's not right - your sua sponte HAD one. Dumbass. Here's a hint: Microsoft Word cannot deal with legal terminology. Running a spell-check is less effective than just READING OVER YOUR OWN CRAP.

You can all rest assured that if the President of the United States gets his nuts licked by a cow, I will know about it. Now, the question that occurs to me is - can we get HIM put on indefinite suspension, pending an investigation? I'm just asking, you know.

Remember all those dollars you gave the Red Cross for Katrina relief? I do. Well, guess what? The Red Cross used 'em to pay movie stars to ask for more donations for the Red Cross. But wait, it's better than that: take a look at some of the salaries the Red Cross is offering on its own webpage. They are actually advertising for applicants for a $150,000 / year job - the CEO of the San Diego Chapter. If they have regional chapter officers making over $100,000, how much of your hard-earned contribution made it to Katrina relief, do you think? I have to be highly suspicious of any "non-profit" organization whose officers are making such a VAST profit. Like the United Way, whose current CEO makes $500,000 a year; the ASPCA, whose CEO makes $186,000; the Christian Children's Fund (only pennies a day add up to $179,000 a year for President John F. Schultz;) Greenpeace, whose Executive Director saved the world to the tune of $162,125 last year; MADD, whose National Executive Director earned $238,139 last year; the Sierra Club, whose Executive Director rescued the snowy warbler for $204,983 last year; and the United Negro College Fund, whose President sent the kiddies to school last year, because those kiddies paid him half a million bucks.
And you guys wonder why I'm cynical.

Well, part of it is because GEICO won't save me any money on car insurance because I'm too poor. What, you didn't think the gecko was SERIOUS, did you? Oh, I see you did. Sorry to shatter your pleasant fantasies.

Well, just to round things out - anyone remember Bubb Rubb? The woot-woot guy? Well, he just got served: there's a company in Miami putting TRAIN WHISTLES in cars, which have "whistle tips" in the exhaust beat, hands down. The horns are louder than a jet taking off from 80 feet away. That's - faintly ridiculous. Their marketing is pretty good, too:

His horns range in price from the modest PsychoBlaster for just $42.95 (Web site: "These things pack some serious punch ... the loudest, most annoying thing you've ever heard.") to the Nathan Airchime K5, at $1,649.95 ("They'll hear you coming for miles with `The Godfather' of all train horns ... (the) loudest thing I've ever heard.").

That's right: the most annoying thing you've ever heard. Great. You know who will install these? Assholes. That's who. Glad to see they now have YET ANOTHER new tool to pester the rest of us.
Ok. That's enough "WTF?!?" for one day. I'm going to bed.