65 Million Years Of Evolution, And Look Where It's Gotten Us: Part 1.

You know our biological imperatives have taken a serious hit over the years if this is a serious problem. I mean, come on, guys. I can sorta dimly understand why you might use a doll as a masturbation tool, but calling it your life partner is, well, nuts. And stupid.

Don't let's forget the stupid.

For those of you out there who remain convinced, despite the Hunter Cressall video, that Macintosh is wonderful and Steve Jobs is on your side, you should also know that Apple makes little girls cry. Seriously. 9 year old Shea O'Gorman wrote to Steve Jobs suggesting a number of ideas for improvements on the iPod. Not only did it take 3 months for the letter to get a reply, it was a disaster:

To the dismay of Shea and her family, the letter wasn't from Mr. Jobs. It was from Mark Aaker, Senior Council of the company's Law Department, telling the third-grader that Apple doesnt accept unsolicited ideas, so she should not send them her suggestions and if she wants to know why, she could read their legal policy posted on the Internet.

And yes, she ran off in tears. Good job, Mr. Jobs. You clearly have a human resources department that's simply top-shelf.

Personal responsibility has surrendered completely. We all know that; but maybe you didn't know that it's not just us. The Japanese are nuts, too. They're now selling cans of - wait for it - oxygen, as a pick-me-up for office workers too lazy to go get some exercise. I'm getting a bit out of shape myself, but at least I admit it's because I'm lazy. It has nothing whatsoever to do with my job.

The former tenant of a townhouse in Ogden, Utah gave his landlord a bit of a surprise the other day: 70,000 beer cans inside the apartment. Apparently, the guy had turned off the water and heat and just sat in his apartment drinking Coors Light. A case a day, for 8 years.


You know what I have to say. DUDE! At least you could have picked a GOOD beer!

Never stop to help another driver in distress.
Not the advice you thought I'd give, is it?
In days gone by - even just a few years ago - I would have said "Of course you stop to help." But not anymore. Stopping can get you - well, it can get you carjacked. And as if that wasn't bad enough, after Alicia Disney - name sounds like something out of Jennifer Government (a novel by Max Barry, ) doesn't it? - stopped to help injured drivers at a car crash, one of them stole her car WITH HER GRANDMOTHER AND INFANT SON STILL INSIDE.
The carjacker abandoned the car and fled several blocks away, leaving the grandmother and her 5-month-old son unharmed, though scared.

Ok, here's a news flash: If your entire body is coated in a flammable gel used to treat a rare skin disorder, you should probably wait until later to have a smoke. I'm just saying. Sadly, some people just HAVE to try things the hard way, so I bring you the late Philip Hoe. Sadly, his life came to an end after he was unable to resist the siren song of cigarettes, lit up, and was later pronounced dead my British doctors after they tried to save him from serious burns.

Oklahoma City police proved recently that they're no better than anyone else when it comes to common sense. After a seven-hour standoff, in which they tried multiple times - and failed, mind you - to get in contact with someone inside the"suspicious" house, they initiated a tactical entry - which revealed that no-one was home.

Now, you and I both know that if you take your child to the movie theater, you ought to make sure that the movie you're going to see is appropriate for your child.

You also know that there are an awful lot of people who don't bother, often taking 4, 5, and 6 year old children to R-rated bloodfests. One mother - using the term very loosely indeed - took her son to the remake of "The Hills Have Eyes," and when he complained that he didn't like the movie, she just told him to shut up. One hopes that the theaters will get around to banning this. It is not discrimination - of any kind - to kick out someone who's ruining it for everyone else.

And just so you know, on top of all the recent NSA - telco furor, the telcos playing CMA with style and panache, the FBI tracking reporters' anonymous informants, and the warrantless tapping of your every activity on the internet, the government thinks it's high time Halliburton got busy earning their enormous contracts; Halliburton is now building enormous "detention facilities" - this is the same terms used for the gulag by the Soviets, as I recall - for "future government programs." I'm not sure I want to know what kind of program requires creation of prison camps in the United States. But I do know I want it stopped, whatever it is.