Since We're Making This Tomorrow...

...Time for a home-made salsa recipe!

I know, I know. "About time, Dave, geez! You post Tex-Mex all the time, and no salsa?"

Well, here goes.

You will need:

Several tomatoes - numbers dependent on size. Cube half of them, puree the rest.
Three or four tomatillos - the little green tomatoes with the husk you peel off - pureed with the tomatoes.
One whole yellow onion, diced.
Several (to taste) serrano and ancho (dried poblano) chili peppers, diced but WITH seeds.
1/8 cup white vinegar.
3 cloves of garlic, finely chopped.
The juice from two limes
One peach, diced
maybe 1/2 cup finely chopped cilantro
White pepper to taste
Salt to taste

First, heat a dry, ungreased skillet, and roast the tomatoes for cubing, the peppers, and the onion, until lightly charred. Pour the lime juice over the diced onion in a cup, and set that aside to soak.

Cube the tomatoes, and strip the roasted skins off the peppers, and dice the peppers up too. (Throw out the skins. It's probably best to use gloves when handling the serranos, as they are hotter than jalapenos and the juice will burn your eyes if you get it in there.)

Combine all the ingredients in a saucepan with maybe 2 cups of water; bring it to a rolling boil, then reduce heat and simmer it for 30 minutes or so, until it's nice and thick.

Remove from heat and chill; overnight is best, but an afternoon will do. (The longer you let this sit, the more the chili peppers' flavor will soak into everything.)

This makes a nicely tart, but slightly sweet-edged salsa; the serrano and ancho peppers give kick, but don't boil your lips off, and the ancho peppers compliment the sweetness nicely.

For those of you who like it hotter, chop up and toss in ONE habanero pepper.

This is great with tortilla chips, or as a topping on EGGS!

Southern Favorites

It's been a while since I blogged.

I apologize; my schedule at work is undergoing a sea change as the final crews are shaking out and everyone is being reassigned, so things are...

...Interesting.

The bureaucracy at work describes it as "organized chaos."

I think that's fairly accurate. Emphasis on the chaos.

But that just means you need good food before you go to work!

So, first we get to talk about fat.

Why? Because you can't make good biscuits - or pancakes, waffles, cookies, pie crust, or anything fried, without it.

The big push for years has been to cook with vegetable oils, "because they're healthy."

This is your reality check.

Saturated fats - and hydrogenated or the really villainous "partially" hydrogenated fats - are now universally recognized to be the bad guys. So which food products have more of them?

Butter? Don't make me laugh; 72 grams of butter - 6 tablespoons, enough for a small biscuit recipe - contains 37.11 grams of saturated fats.

Lard contains 28.09 grams of saturated fats per 6 tablespoons.

Vegetable oils and shortening contain far less of the saturated fats, but their ingredients are a roll call of health villains: partially hydrogenated soybean and cottonseed oils (Country Crock,) partially- and fully- hydrogenated cottonseed oils and partially-hydrogenated soybean oil (Crisco.)

Good luck with that.

Lard has nearly 20% less saturated fat than butter, and better than twice the level of the healthy monounsaturated fat that butter does. (Also, a hell of a lot more of it than margarine; 9 grams of monounsaturated fat in 6 tablespoons of Country Crock versus nearly 40 grams in lard.)

As an animal product, lard is something your body is designed to digest, and it metabolizes fully, something NONE of the vegetable products can factually claim, sorry vegans.

So: you can buy lard in most groceries, still, although unless you hit a Hispanic store, it may tend to be in small, small portions - typically a 1-pound tub.

Or you can hit up a local farmer, and make your own, because the storebought stuff is often partially hydrogenated as well - check the label.

I'll tell you how, and then tell you how to make proper Southern-style buttermilk biscuits, and two kinds of gravy to go with 'em.

First, get with a farmer, and try to come up with several pounds of pork back fat. This is NOT bacon fat, but the fat that runs along the pig's spine; it forms in pads up to several inches thick, and is the least marbled fat on the animal.

Either cut the fat into small chunks, or run it through a meat grinder.

Melt it, very slowly, in an open pan, or an untopped crock-pot. It will bubble even with the heat fairly low, like the crock-pot; when this becomes sluggish, filter the fat through a cheesecloth.

The chunks of now-deep-fried pork remaining in the cheesecloth are "cracklin's," and they can be used for a variety of things, all of which are yummy.

The fat itself is... liquid lard. Refrigerate it to get it solid, or (better,) use it in its liquid form.

Right.

To understand the wonderfulnessness that lard brings to baking is impossible, really, to describe to people who grew up on canola oil.

One of the Slate food writers described it as "the most elegant fat I've ever met."

Yeah, that.

Perfect pie crusts, beautiful pancakes, amazing biscuits...

...Hey, I was gonna tell you about biscuits, right?

You will need:

2 cups of unbleached white flour - if you can find White Lily flour, that's the good stuff - it's made from wheat harvested at a different time than most brands, and it cooks better.

1 tablespoon of baking powder

1/3 teaspoon of baking soda

1 teaspoon of salt

1/2 cup of lard (you can substitute unsalted butter here if you MUST but blech, and you're missing the point.)

3/4 cup plus two tablespoons of buttermilk.

Preheat your oven to 425 degrees.

Begin by sifting the dry ingredients together until they are well-mixed.

Use either a food processor, or mad talent with a pastry blender, to cut in the lard until you have a coarse meal-like dough. 

Add the buttermilk, and blend quickly, until all the dough is moist. It WILL be sticky.

Turn the dough out onto a floured board, flour your hands, and knead the dough 3 or 4 times. Try not to overhandle it.

Roll or pat - I prefer pat - the dough out to about a 3/4 inch thickness, and then cut with a biscuit cutter.

Place your biscuits on a lightly greased baking sheet. The placement matters; biscuits placed close together will have soft sides, and rise higher, while biscuits set an inch apart won't rise as high but will have crisp sides.

Bake 15-18 minutes or until golden brown; you can lightly brush the tops of the biscuits with buttermilk or butter when they're almost done for a nice top crust.

Yum. Biscuits.

But wait!

I promised you gravy! Two kinds, no less!

So, here you go:

The easy way to make either kind of gravy - since they start from the same ingredients - is to fry up ham slices or bacon in a deep frying pan, then remove the meat once cooked.

The other way is to use the frying pan to re-melt / heat up a good portion - say, a half-cup - of lard.

The first gravy here is classic "red-eye" gravy, a Southern staple; you take a Mason jar, pour in a quantity of coffee to match your lard, and add a couple of tablespoons of flour, close, and shake until the flour is completely dissolved; pour this mixture into the frying pan with the melted fat, and stir until it thickens slightly (this gravy should be slightly runny.) You can use hot sauce, fresh hot peppers, plain ol' black pepper, salt, or any combination of the above to taste; just stir 'em in with the rest while it's in the pan.

For the country gravy - the white gravy you see with chicken fried steak all over the south - do the same trick with the Mason jar, only use milk or buttermilk instead of coffee, and slightly more flour.

The rest of the recipe is the same, as is the preparation.

The white gravy should be somewhat thicker than the red-eye gravy. When i was growing up, the white gravy went on biscuits, and the red-eye gravy went on ham slices; that's just me, though, and the red-eye gravy certainly matches the biscuits well enough.

Southern favorites, prepared using only a few modern conveniences, and a few minutes of time; quick, easy, tasty food.

I hope you guys enjoy!

...I will note here that the math tag is because all the nutrition info came in different forms. I did the multiplying and dividing so you don't have to, but feel free to check me; total serving grams of each product divided by 12 for the tablespoon, the sat. fat grams divided by that result, the result of that times six for the final half-cup serving.

A New Years' Treat (Now Updated With More Boozy Goodness)

Rating:	★★★★★
Category:	Other

For those of who who are teetotalers, this post will not have anything for you really to enjoy.

Right.

It's New Years', traditionally a "get blitzed" holiday, at least in my house.

So, because my coolness truly knows no bounds, I will share with you one of my favorite drink recipes; a twist on a lesser-known recipe called "Cinnamon Toast."

First, get some of the pre-mixed "pumpkin pie spice." Or mix your own; it's cinnamon, ginger, and nutmeg.

For each 8 ounce mug:

3 1/2 ounces Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum (specifically; it's worth it.)
6 ounces hot apple cider
1/4 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
1 tsp honey

Serve hot.

I can't call it Cinnamon Toast, because of the ginger and nutmeg, and it's made from friggin' apple cider.

So I'll call it Xenocider.

The irony.

Oh, the horrible, tragic irony.

At any rate, trust me, it's a good way to start off the year.

Chowtime, Once Again

Because, you know, I want all my friends to eat well.

Now, before I begin, bear in mind that fresh vegetables are always best, blah blah blah.

That said, this recipe ought to cost less than $8, if you buy the cheap stuff in cans - and it sure tastes awfully good, so, who's super-picky, hmmm?

Ingredients:

3 cans Beef broth

2 cans Kidney Beans (or Chili Beans, which are the same but with spices.)

1 can Butter Beans, drained.

1 can Green Beans, drained.

1 can "Mixed Vegetables" - use Del Monte, the off brands skimp on the carrots - drained.

1 can diced Potatoes, drained.

2 packages of Onion Soup mix - Lipton is best, but it's kinda hard to screw up powdered onion soup.

1 16-oz. tub of Sour Cream. (I use Breakstone Dairy, but it's up to you. DO NOT use the low-fat stuff; the fat is 90% of what you need from this.)

1 1/2 - 2 pounds of Top Round or Chuck, cubed for stew - 1/2 to 1" cubes.

Toss it allllll into a crock-pot, except the sour cream. Set it on high, and leave it until the meat is nicely browned, stirring occasionally.

When the meat is nicely browned, add the sour cream, stirring until it dissolves completely; reduce heat to Low. Leave until stew thickens slightly.

If you like your stew thicker, there are three ways you can do so easily:

1. Flour. Mix your desired amount of flour in a jar with some water and shake it thoroughly before adding to the stew; this prevents lumps. Flour can detract from the flavor, though, so some people prefer

2. Corn Starch. Treated the same way as the flour, it will thicken the stew nicely without changing the flavor.

3. Potato Flakes. This adds a nice robustness to the stew, thickening while adding heartiness; however, it's easy to go overboard with potato flakes. Stir them in a little at a time, giving the stew time to thicken between each addition, until it reaches your desired thickness.

This allows you to control the "weight" if you will, of the stew.

All told, this makes enough for a pretty good number of people, or for two people to have left-overs for a couple of nights. The sour cream mellows the onion flavor, leaving it a strong, bold beefy & onion flavor without overpowering you. Plus, it requires little attention once the crock-pot is going, so you can start it before the Steelers game and eat it after, stirring and adding during the commercials.

One Way To Have A Unique Breakfast...

You will need:

• Bacon
• Eggs
• Grated cheese of your preference!

Start by greasing as many slots in a muffin tin as you intend to fill; we just took a paper towel and swiped around in there with margarine. Pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees.

In a bowl, whisk as many eggs as muffin slots, briskly, until they are well scrambled.

In each muffin slot, wind one bacon strip around the inside of the slot so it makes a kind of cup.

(As an alternate method, you can put a dollop of biscuit dough at the bottom of the cup and use slightly less egg; we didn't do that today, but it's yummy too. As another variation, you can also add ingredients to the egg: chopped onions, mushrooms, garlic, A1 Steak Sauce - don't knock it til you try it - salsa, what have you.)

Pour one egg into each slot, filling the bacon cup. Sprinkle cheese on top.

Place the filled tins in the oven for 5 minutes; drop the temperature to 350, and bake another 10 minutes.

The eggs should be fluffy, and resemble bacon-wrapped muffins.

Enjoy!

A Steak Dinner For Cheap

Now, I know that you all have eaten meats from various places, and know that some are better than others.

Obviously.

But there is a way to turn frozen New York Strips - $6 a box at Wal-Mart - into a semi-appealing meal.

I know you don't believe me. But I'm gonna tell you how to do it.

First, get a casserole dish big enough for however many steaks you want to cook, plus liquid. Place the steaks in it; preferably thawed a little, but it's not necessary.

In a bowl, mix two to three beers; one packet of instant onion soup per beer; a can of mushrooms if you like; and a shot glass full of lemon juice. Mix it thoroughly, then pour over the steaks. Cover with tin foil.

Let the steaks marinate in the fridge overnight if thawed, two nights if frozen.

When ready, pre-heat the oven to 350, and once it's up and going, slap the casserole dish, steaks, marinade, and all, in and let it go for about 20 minutes.

While that's going, you have a decision to make: potatoes and gravy, or something else.

Since we're planning on having gravy fries tomorrow, we went with an Italian blend salad.

After 20 minutes at 350, flip the steaks over, set the heat down to 300, and cook another 15 minutes. Then remove the steaks from the oven, and serve. If you're making gravy, you can mix either cornstarch or flour with water in a jar, and mix it into the marinade in a skillet, frying it on low heat until it thickens slightly.

At any rate, I know you may not believe me, but beer is a near-flawless ingredient for cooking, folks. Natural meat tenderizer, and the flavor complements not only meats, but grains as well.

For this recipe I would choose Dos Equis or Tecate, although in this particular case we were forced to settle for 2 bottles of barely adequate Michelob Ultra Amber.

Enjoy!

Go, Vegans! Mother's Day, Part 3 of 4

Now, I really try not to make a big deal about how stupid I think Veganism really is.

Honestly. How many articles have you read by me making noise about that?

That's right; none. But today, we're going to discuss it. There is a point to this, and it relates to Mother's Day, as well, which I'll get to. But bear with me.

Ever look in the mouth of a cat? A cat has no molars; just sharp, ripping teeth. This is because a cat is what's called an obligate carnivore: it MUST eat meat, to survive. This meat can be fish, or fowl, or game; the type doesn't matter, but if a cat doesn't get meat in its diet, it'll die.

A cow, on the other hand, has nothing but flat teeth, for chewing grain and grass, and multiple stomachs, for digestion of vegetable matter; this is because a cow is an herbivore, which means it MUST eat vegetables, or it will die. Those vegetables can be pretty much anything not actually poisonous, although admittedly I've never seen a cow eat an oak tree, but if a cow doesn't get its fill of vegetables daily, it'll die.

A human, on the other hand, has both kinds of teeth; flat for veggies, and sharp for meat. This is because we as a species are what's termed "omnivores," which is slightly inaccurate: it means "ones who eat everything," which is not ENTIRELY true. I dunno about you, but sheet metal is beyond me. But still; the point of the term is that meat and vegetables are both necessary for a proper human diet.

One of those words is the important one. Want to guess which?

Yeah. "Necessary." In other words, if human beings are not nourished with protein complexes, lipids, carbohydrates, and minerals found in both types of food, animal and vegetable, they will acquire various diseases as symptoms of malnourishment, and DIE.

Now, there are quite a few Vegans around; people who believe that any consumption of animal products, despite their biological dictates, is some kind of moral evil. They're not dead. But I challenge you to go look at them. The only ones who aren't malnourished in some way - because contrary to popular belief, it IS NOT POSSIBLE to get animal-manufactured proteins and lipids from plants - are taking dietary supplements; those supplements contain the necessary proteins and lipids to maintain their health - and they are manufactured from animal products.

A more delusional and self-loathing bunch cannot be found, in my opinion.

But I've never seen that insanity devolve into a level near what happened in Atlanta, on April 25th, 2004, and whose chilling consequences are only now reaping their just reward.

On Wednesday last, Jade Sanders and Lamont Thomas were sentenced to life in prison for starving their son to death. Crown Shakur Sanders was six weeks old when he died on April 25th. The couple admitted openly that they had fed him a diet consisting entirely of soy-based products and applesauce; breast milk is an animal product, you see. MILK is an animal product. And being "pure" as a Vegan was more important to them than the health of their son.

The prosecutor in the case called the couple "not Vegans, but babykillers!" in a fit of departure from his normal legalese. Sadly, he's wrong; they are certainly babykillers, but they were also Vegans. Because anyone who tries to deny the simple biological requirements for food is crazy. I mean, absolutely bat-shit insane; gone south; lost their marbles; FUBAR; and just, plain, simply, nuts.

Your body requires certain forms of nutrition. The reality - however much you may willfully deny it - is that some of those elements are only present in the consumption of other life. This couple's insistence on denying that reality killed their only child, and earned them life in prison.

They claim they didn't realize he was in trouble until minutes before he died, despite attributing his unnatural state of emaciation to his Vegan diet.

Does the connection really, honestly not occur to you?

Ok, Since You Guys Like The Food...

...I'm gonna dispel a myth apparently prevalent in the North, and give you guys a couple of delicious and simple recipes in one fell swoop. How's that sound?

HEY NORTHERN PEOPLE!

A "quesadilla" is Mexican - or more properly Tex-Mex - food. If you make it with ANYTHING ITALIAN YOU ARE FUCKING IT UP.

I never would have credited it myself, except once we went to a restaurant near here and saw "Quesadillas" on the menu, and I, longing for a taste of home, made the mistake of ordering them. I guess I forgot that Northerners cannot comprehend Southern food, just like Southerners cannot comprehend Northern food.

Take it from me: quesadillas do not include provolone cheese, and are not dipped in marinara sauce. HORRIFYING.

So, here's how to do it properly.

Get yourself a big ol' flat frying pan, and a VERY SMALL bit of oil, or some cooking spray.

For quesadillas, if you decide to go the "meaty" route, get either some shredded roast chicken, or some lightly browned ground beef, or I guess whatever else you want, but those two work well in my experience.

If not, all you need is white flour tortillas (they're easier to do this with. Corn is classic, but a pain in the ass, IMO.) and cheese; the cheese you use is up to you, but for authenticity, it ought to be a blend of Monterey Jack, asadero, and maybe some Oaxaca cheese.

You can add grilled onions, or chorizo sausage, as well; my personal favorite combination is the beef, grilled onions, with asadero and Monterey Jack cheeses.

Now, the classic way to create a quesadilla is very simple; spray down your frying pan with the cooking spray, and lay the tortilla in the pan. After it gets warm enough to be a bit soft, cover half of it with the cheese blend and the meat, if you chose to add it. You can also toss in some salsa, but I find that unnecessary, because of the second recipe.

Anyway, fold over the uncovered half of the tortilla, to make a sort of tortilla omelette; after the cheese melts enough to stick the two sides together pretty well, flip it over and let it crisp up a bit on the other side.

That's it! Quesadillas are a dead snap to make in the evening when you're tired, and boy, they sure are tasty, especially when you combine them with some sour cream - despite Tara's total and abject hatred of any sour dairy products - and some guacamole.

...And that would be our second recipe!

See, up North, guacamole is relatively unknown, unlike in East Texas, where it's a side dish at practically every meal. I got up here and was simply aghast at the total lack of anything approaching fresh guacamole; hell, I REFUSE to settle for frozen; I'd lose all my Texas points, and have to buy a new hat.

Besides, frozen guacamole is nasty.

Fresh guacamole, however, is delicious, and you deserve to know my spin on it, because good food should be shared.

So:

Begin with several - maybe 5 - good-sized Haas avocados. You can tell they're good when they're firm, and not mushy.
While you're in the produce section, grab a yellow onion; a good-sized tomato (I personally prefer the vine-ripened hothouse ones, but they're smaller. If you get those, use two,) two good limes, some cilantro, and if you like, some hot peppers. For guacamole you want spicy without heat; it's supposed to be a garnish, rather than a taste blanket, besides which, you don't want to overpower the avocados. I prefer ancho chilis - the dried poblano - because they're just hot enough to say "Hi!" without burning up food wimps like Tara, and they add a bit of bite to the guacamole without overpowering it.

When you get ready to make your guacamole, you'll need a pretty good-sized bowl; all this yumminess adds up pretty quickly.

Chop about 3/4 of a cup of cilantro, and the onion, and the tomato; also the peppers if you're using them. If you're using fresh garlic, you can mince it all together with the other ingredients in the food processor; if you buy the bottled minced garlic, you can just get a couple of tablespoons ready.

Slice each avocado in half length-wise, running around the pit, then separate the halves and discard all but one of the pits. Using a flat spoon, separate the meat from the rind of the avocados. (This is easier than it sounds; I promise, I'm not offering you an elephant soup recipe. (Old joke. "First, dice one elephant..."))

Once you have the meat from all the avocados in the bowl, mash it up with a fork - or run it through the food processor if you have some kind of moral prohibition against food with lumps - and add the juice from the limes. This is one of two things that will help keep the avocado meat from oxidizing and turning brown. (The brown doesn't make it inedible; it just makes it LOOK nasty. But still.)

Once the lime juice has been mixed thoroughly with the avocado, add the other ingredients, and a bit of salt.

Stir all this together until it's well blended.

...aaaand you're done!

Guacamole can be used as a dip for tortilla chips, as a garnish for basically anything, and serves as a great way to add even more flavor to your quesadillas.

...Oh, yeah, the browning... When you're storing guacamole, leave the remaining avocado pit inside the bowl, and keep the bowl covered and refrigerated. The pit will help slow browning as well.

Guacamole, while easy and fast to make, is one of those dishes that Northerners just don't seem to get right, sort of like a Southerner trying to make a Philly cheesesteak sandwich. Yeah, right.

They don't even sell the ingredients for a proper cheesesteak in the South. But you can read about them online!

...At any rate, enjoy! I will be adding more recipes from time to time, and anyone who has a really good one can certainly send it to me; I will post it after I make it. (This is so I can give an honest assessment of how hard it is to get right. Some recipes are easier than others, hmmm?)

A Little Southern Treat!

When I was growing up, in East Texas, we used to have a treat from time to time.

Honestly, it never occurred to me that it was THAT much of a purely Southern thing, until I got up North, and folks here said "huh?" when I mentioned it.

So, for those of you who've never tried it, here's my spin on a Southern treat: Frito pie!

Start off with 2 cans of chili. I know most of you won't make your own chili.

Beanless chili is better for this, trust me.

I used Campbell's Steak Chili; it's worth the extra, IMO.

Once the chili's started in the saucepan - one preferably with some extra room - you can add the fun stuff.

1/3 chopped white or yellow onion
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1/4 Lb. cubed Velveeta cheese
Chili powder to taste - I use a lot, you may not want to
Diced hot peppers to taste - again, I use a lot, you may not want to

Cook that all together until the cheese is all melted and everything is well mixed, stirring frequently.

Once the stuff is ready, get some bowls, and fill them with Fritos.

Alternately, you can do it the really cheap way, and get one of those Frito snack packs, with the small individual bags.

Ladle the chili sauce over the Fritos fairly lavishly. You can sprinkle shredded cheese over the top if you want; just don't overdo it. You want to taste the chili.

Eat!

No, it's unhealthy as hell, blah blah blah, that's true. But it sure does taste good. Plus, if you're a beer drinker, it's hard to find a meal that's a better match for a cold bottle of Tecate.

The Personal Cheap Chef Strikes Again...

...so, since there was such a positive response to my last recipe, here's another one.

The great thing about this recipe is that it's easy and cheap; you can get everything you need at Wal-Mart.

So:

In a medium saucepan, combine the following:

• 1/3 pound Velveeta (We used "Great Value Melt and Dip" from Wal-Mart) in small cubes
  
• 1 1/2 cups milk
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• 2 tbsp. butter / margarine. (Obviously, butter is better.)

Set that on medium heat, and simmer slowly until the velveeta and sour cream both melt completely into the sauce.

Add:

• 1/3 cup shredded cheddar cheese
• 1 tbsp. chili powder
• 2 tbsp. minced garlic
• EITHER 1 tbsp. onion powder, or 1/2 small finely minced onion.

Simmer, stirring frequently, until all ingredients are smoothly mixed and sauce is uniform.

At this point, the sauce itself is done, and can be removed from heat. It should be used fairly quickly, though, because it will gel and thicken as it cools. You know this; it has cheese in it.

Now what _I_ did with it was:

When adding the spices, I also added 4 chopped hot dogs to it.

In a separate pan, I made a crisp vegetable boil, with carrots, peas, green beans, broccoli, cauliflower, lima beans, and celery. Once the veggies were just tender, I turned off the burner and drained them. Then I poured the sauce over them.

There will be plenty of sauce left when the vegetables are gone, so I suggest doing what we did, which was to dunk lightly toasted, thin sliced Italian bread in the remaining sauce.

All together, maybe $7 for the whole meal, not counting stuff that went back in the fridge to be used as ingredients in other stuff later.


A note about sour cream.

Everybody knows Daisy brand sour cream.

I don't use it. I find that of the off-the-shelf stuff, Breakstone Dairy sour cream is the best tasting and best cooking of the bunch.

That's a strictly personal preference, and based only on my own observation, but I'd say if you've never tried their product, withhold judgment until you do. It's definitely the best I've been able to find.

That is, without talking to the Amish. They just rock.

I just wish they'd put ass-bags on their horses.

Issues, Man, Issues.

Our computer has 'em.

For weeks, we've been plagued by a particular kind of bizarre crash, causing us no end of OMGWTF.

The computer will be running fine; everything is working, when suddenly, it freezes - I mean like it got sprayed with liquid nitrogen - and the hard drive activity light comes on, but the hard drive isn't spinning.

Lights are on; nobody home.

Sooooo, seeing as my research on the 'net has come up with bupkis to explain this, I tried replacing things.

The problem is, it keeps faking me out.

For example:

The first time it happened, I thought it was maybe overheated. My evidence? Turning it off and letting it sit for a few minutes produced a period of usability, after which it would lock up again.

...Maybe the CPU cooling unit is all bogus, or something. So I swapped it out for a new one.

Everything worked great!

...For about 3 days. Then, boom, down it goes again, same exact error.

Checked - just to be sure - for spyware and viruses; nope, nada. Maybe it's not the HSF that's out, maybe the processor is bad, hmmm? Swap it.

Everything worked great!

...For about 3 days. Then, boom, down it goes again, same exact error.

Maybe it's the memory. Swapped out the memory.

Everything worked great!

...For about 3 days. Then, boom, down it goes again, same exact error.

Maybe it's a device driver, because it often crashes while Windows is trying to initialize the drivers during load-up. The solution? Remove and uninstall the offending devices.

My video capture card? Gone. Sound and video? Replaced. Network card? Swapped.

Riiiight.

Everything worked great!

...For about 3 days. Then, boom, down it goes again, same exact error.

Lowered the bus speed - and processor clock speed on the motherboard - to see what would happen.

Everything worked great!

...For about 3 days. Then, boom, down it goes again, same exact error.

So, being the last two components that haven't already been swapped in the ENTIRE FRIGGING MACHINE, it's either the motherboard, or the hard disk.

So, tomorrow I am going to pull the entire machine down to the bare case, and rebuild it on another motherboard, which will no doubt be accompanied with much swearing. Much MORE, if it still doesn't work.

I don't have a spare hard drive to swap it out with. Grrrrr.

Wish me luck that the mobo swap works.

In the meantime, I tried a food experiment - about which I was somewhat unsure - tonight, and it worked out well beyond my wildest dreams, so I will share it with you.

I wanted to make a vegetable stir-fry, with green beans, carrots, snapeas, red bell pepper, cauliflower florets, broccoli florets, and asparagus, but when I went in the fridge to find the plum sauce I would normally use for such an endeavor, *pause for gasps of shock* we were all out.

I wasn't gonna even try the round trip to Burnham to get more, so I was forced to improvise. I had a Chinese sweet chili sauce, but Tara's a hot-food wuss, so I had to dilute it, and I wanted a more fruity flavor to it anyway. So, I dug into the fridge and found a bottle of Manischewitz blackberry dessert wine, which seemed like a great find, and decided to make a creative solution to my problem.

What a great idea.

I took about altogether 3 cups of coarsely chopped veggies, tossed them in my skillet with a bit of margarine, and let them get started cooking.

Mixed in a small bowl about 1/2 cup each of the wine and the sweet/hot chili sauce. (You will, if you try this, want to stir this with a fork or whisk quite thoroughly. The chili sauce tends to separate at first.)

I know, it sounds crazy, and if you try it before cooking, will taste pretty crazy, too. But, I am an adventurer.

Once the veggies were starting to soften up just a bit - you want them still crisp, but well cooked - I added the sauce mix to the pan, and stirred the veggies around to make sure they were all well coated. After a couple more minutes of stirring and simmering, I turned off the heat, and we were ready to go.

It worked out wonderfully; the chili added a good bite to it without being hot, and the alcohol cooked right out of it, leaving the veggies with a strong but not overpowering fruit flavor.



Because you know I love you guys, I felt like sharing.

Cope. I watched a marathon of cooking shows today.

I mean a marathon - we watched Food Network Challenge, Iron Chef, and Emeril Live! all in a row. Emeril finished me off; I didn't even get all the way through his show before I was in the kitchen, LMAO.

This is why I try to avoid the Food Network; they make me want to experiment, and while the results are usually good, every once in a while you get a flyer, you know?

I have to say, though, that if you've never watched Iron Chef, that show is awesome. This was the American version, but it's the same show, just in English. The challenger today - who won, by the way - used some crazy shit in his kitchen. By which I mean a food-capable laser printer, a class 4 burning laser, a tank of liquid nitrogen, and a genetic-testing kit as a delivery system.

Wild. But the food looked great, and the judges liked it, so, there you go I guess.

Anyway, you might give my stir-fry sauce a try. Manischewitz dessert wines aren't that expensive, and I recall paying like $2 for the sweet chili sauce at Aldi's. It definitely complimented the vegetables more than I had expected; both of us were sort of expecting "edible, but let's not do it again," but what we got was "Damn, that was tasty."

"I love it when a plan comes together."


[*Edited to add: the word "florets" behind "broccoli," because Samara demanded it.*]

Just In Case Anyone Is Interested...

You can get tilapia fillets from your grocer - Weis has them $2.99 a pound this week.



So:



2 cups lemon juice

3 tbsp. masa flour (fine corn flour. I use Goya brand, but that's up to you.)

2 tbsp. each garlic and onion powder

3 tbsp. butter / margarine / whatever.

1 tsp. black pepper



Heat on medium until butter is melted and masa is mixed evenly, no lumps. (Masa will expand. If the sauce thickens too much, add more lemon juice.)

Turn heat up to medium-high and simmer for about 5 minutes, stirring frequently.

Remove from heat.

This sauce is very sour. Tara adds sugar, but I didn't feel it needed it.



But anyway: sugar to taste.



Fry the tilapia fillets on medium either in butter or a very light oil. They should be turned when the edges get white, and should only cook until they are white and flaky.



Do NOT overcook - if it burns, it ruins it.



Good luck trying to get them out of the pan in one piece, LMAO.



Anyway, when they've cooled enough to eat, serve with the lemon butter sauce.

Don't use too much - it drowns the flavor of the tilapia, which is quite good.



The best part? The only sodium in the whole shebang is in the butter and fish - if you can get unsalted butter, no salt at all. The fish depends on whether it's fresh or packed; fresh has only naturally occurring sodium, which isn't much.



Garlic / onion powder / lemon juice = zero mg Na.



Low salt living at it's finest.



We added in a pot of fresh steamed snap peas and a bowl of applesauce apiece as dessert.



Pimp dinner, right there. And altogether it cost us about $10 - with ingredients left over for several more meals.