| Rating: | ★★ |
| Category: | Movies |
| Genre: | Science Fiction & Fantasy |
But T4, takes this to new lows.
Back up a bit.
A few years ago, I wrote a review of The Core, a really terrible "disaster" movie, and was...
...Kinda rude.
Ok, I gave it the worst review I've ever given a film, and this says something, because I have seen Manos: The Hands Of Fate, and Van Helsing.
So, it says something that when I was in the last 15 minutes or so of T4, I called it "almost as bad as The Core."
First, "McG," whoever he, she, or it may be, is a really, really terrible director. This was handing a multimillion dollar franchise with endless merchandising tie-ins to... well, ok, it was giving Lord of the Rings to Peter Jackson. Good God, man, what were they thinking?
They were thinking McG was made of unobtanium, that's what.
But I'm not going to spend too much time dissing the direction. That was terrible, but the special pit of hellfire from this review is reserved for the screenwriters - the same team that brought us "The Net" (and the direct-to-dvd sequel,) Catwoman, and Terminator 3.
Somewhere out there, there is a Great Book Of Screenwriting Dialogue Cliches.
They used most of them in T4.
"It's quiet."
"Almost too quiet, it's like they're waiting for us."
This exchange - I wish I was fucking kidding - happens in the first five minutes of the movie, while the credits are still rolling. It ranks #8 on Screenwriterguy's top 10 list of worst dialogue cliches. Uberfluff.com noticed the final fight scene in T4; that cliche was the third one they noted.
The screenplay is riddled with cliches and lazy dialogue; the "science" - I use quotes because it needs them - doesn't even agree with previous Terminator movies, much less reality; plus there was stuff the screenwriters threw in because it was "cool" that frankly made no damn sense.
For example, there are motorcycle Terminators.
...Made of unobtanium...
These are frankly awesome, and are in most of the best scenes in the movie; they're robotic motorcycles with machine guns on them.
They're fucking awesome.
...Um, until John Connor needs a ride, and somehow removes the Terminator portion from the bike, leaving a perfectly serviceable but no longer hostile motorcycle for Connor to ride.
I'm sorry, what? What possible reason would Skynet have to make the machine guns, armor, and computer controls detachable by a man with no tools?
...Because unobtanium.
They also happen to have a copy of the Guns N' Roses song "You Could Be Mine," because you know, that song has to play every time John Connor rides a motorcycle, because he did in Terminator 2, and they're making a reference.
Unobtanium.
John Connor has to pause dramatically to say "I'll be back," because Arnold Schwartzenegger said it a couple of times in previous Terminator movies, and they're making a reference.
Unobtanium.
The Governator shows up, as a matter of fact, at the end of the movie, for no reason that's immediately apparent given the armies of robotic, metal, no-flesh-having Terminators around, but hey, he was in the first two movies and they're making a reference.
Unobtanium.
I bet they thought those references were pretty cool, too.
I disagreed.
ALL the Terminators, it turns out, are in fact controlled by Skynet only because they have a radio control antenna (made of unobtanium) built into the back of their neck that allows Skynet to control their every thought and action I WISH I WAS FUCKING KIDDING that isn't armored at all (with unobtanium) and at one point is removed by a character's BARE HANDS I WISH I WAS FUCKING KIDDING. In fact, one character, who turns out to be a sort of super-Terminator, (and made of unobtanium,) is informed BY Skynet, in the ever-so-cliched "I will reveal my entire master plan before the final showdown, bwa ha ha" moment they just had to include, that he is under Skynet control and cannot save the resistance, whereupon he reaches back and pulls out the control array, because Skynet obviously couldn't use that control array to... stop... him... from... pulling... it... out... I WISH I WAS FUCKING KIDDING.
...Because of unobtanium.
Also like unobtanium, they're able to start something electrical at one point by attaching wires to something that couldn't possibly match voltages even if it COULD generate electrical current.
At every turn, this movie is hurt by shoddy science, lax attention to detail, poor direction, horrible, horrible dialogue, and screenwriters who left enough logic holes in the plot I'm surprised it didn't spontaneously combust.
Ok, stuff blows up, and I know a ton of people are going to be all about that, but frankly, it's not hard to blow stuff up. You can make plastic explosives and decent detcord at home from stuff you can get at Wal*mart, so I require a bit more from a movie than loud explosions and cliches.
Seriously, this franchise should at this point either get a serious reboot with a real director and a real screenwriter, or just fucking die already.
