ITP: Domestic Violence!

I have a friend, Becky C. Her blogs are well-thought out, interesting, and very rarely do I disagree with her. However, I am a bit more of a rabble-rouser (Gee, you think?) than she is, and I try - I don't always succeed, but I do try - to keep in mind that other people's web spaces are just that; other people's.

So when a touchy subject comes up, and domestic violence is certainly that, sometimes I would prefer to leave my thoughts on my own page, rather than leave them as a comment.

Becky posted an entry about domestic violence today, and I wanted to comment. I REALLY wanted to comment after reading someone else's comment about how domestic violence laws favor women. But I realized, after reading what I wrote, that it might not be appropriate for her page. So I sent it to her as a 360 message - it being her web space, and all - so she could read it and decide if she wanted me to post it or not.

Either way, you're gonna get to read the less tame version here. Because this is MY web space, and I don't have to censor myself here.

And I actually feel quite strongly about this.

Ready?

Good.

I think the feminist movement is all fucked up.

WHOA!!! Big bad thought there. Throws you for a loop, doesn't it? But wait. Patience is a virtue, and if I get comments based solely on that line, without reading the rest, I will be disappointed.

The reason I think the feminist movement is AFU is because it has been co-opted. Originally, the feminist movement was about equal treatment under the law, and advancing the rights of women.

It isn't, anymore. Now, it's about vilifying men, ignoring biological realities, and advancing a political agenda only acceptable to those who are in fact insane.

This is why, back in the day, Rush Limbaugh coined the term "feminazis": specifically for the purpose of distinguishing women who are "pro-woman" from women who are "anti-men."

Of course, many, many women who are themselves unable to make that distinction got all pissed off. That's too bad, because he was right: there needs to be a distinction.

Becky's opinions, for example, are by no means hateful towards men; she is a FEMINIST. Gloria Steinem, for example, hates men and wants them all in cages, like the dangerous animals they so clearly are; she is a FEMINAZI.

That's the whole point of the term.

But it pisses people off, so let's not use it.

Let's instead use the acronym FUDAI: Fucked Up Dumb Ass Individuals.

Moving right along, what the HELL does this have to do with domestic violence?

I'm getting there.

Domestic violence laws, like any other laws, exist because someone got pissed off about something. In this case, such anger is more justified than it is in most such cases; a battered woman has an absolute right to be pissed as hell.

The reason they overwhelmingly favor the women is simple. Women get beat more.

Aha, now we come to it, don't we? Why, oh why, is that?

Because nature doesn't give a shit if we "feel" like something ought to be different. That's why.

Physical facts speak for themselves. Women are smaller than men; they have less bone density and muscle mass; they are genetically designed to carry children, which makes their leverage and joint structure different. All these are simple facts.

Saying "women can do anything men can," is naive, simple, and frankly, stupid. No they can't. Men can't do everything women can do, either. Because we're NOT THE SAME. Something that dumb fucking people - not just feminists, this crosses the issues and is a general problem, FUDAI of all stripes - simply cannot grasp is that inherent limitations are not evidence of discrimination.

If you have no legs, you're gonna be a shitty fireman.

Blind people shouldn't drive.

The mute make terrible telephone operators.

The deaf aren't all that great as vocal interpreters.

See how this works?

One of those inherent limitations is that women are not genetically structured for physical violence, the way men are. That doesn't mean a woman can't go to the gym and toughen up, or learn martial arts; it does, however, mean that there are consequences.

A woman who spends too much time in the gym begins to develop an overabundance of testosterone. You may recognize the name; it's the primary MALE hormone. It's also the hormone that stimulates muscle growth. And body hair. And facial hair. And deep voices.

Women who over-exercise get all of those, as well as losing their breasts and hips, and often their menstrual cycles. A woman who overexercises too much for too long can in fact become infertile.

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT DESIGNED FOR THAT.

It is simple biological fact that women and men are not the same. Women have faster reflexes; better vision overall; better aerobic capacity, pound-for-pound; they can bear children; they require less food, and are better equipped to deal with cold than men.

Men are stronger, have better bursts of speed, are better at spotting certain kinds of details, have greater stamina, greater bone density, and can deal with heat more efficiently.

BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT THE SAME.

I'm not sure where we got the idea that the fact that men and women are different somehow implies some kind of discrimination. However we got that idea, it's bullshit.

It is a FACT that men and women are different. Denying that means that you're simply closing your eyes to reality.

Now, a part of that package goes together to affect - not explain, but affect - domestic violence.

Men are bigger and stronger. Which means that if a woman is beating a man, and he finally decides he's had enough, by and large a single return punch will end the fight. I've been in fist fights, and I've never had a MAN stay on his feet if I hit him squarely, as hard as I can. There is no such thing as a woman who could.

Dodge? Sure. Use incredible judo skills to use my own strength against me? Most likely. But straight out get hit in the face and not fall ass over teakettle? Not a chance. I'm a big guy, and I know how to punch, and there's simply no way in hell a female could take that.

And that's part and parcel of why I DON'T hit women. Ever. Even under great provocation. The only way I'd hit a woman is if my life were actually threatened. Sorry, but if you're coming after me with a gun, I'm gonna have to say "No," there. But other than that, never.

You know why?

Because I COULD knock a woman ass over teakettle. See, BECAUSE WE'RE DIFFERENT, we have different roles to play. You can dislike those roles, you can whine about those roles, you can fight them all you like, but ultimately, on a genetic level, men were designed to protect women. Not vice versa.

Part of being designed that way is a responsibility to do so. Only a coward attacks those weaker than himself. Or herself, I guess, although most women don't go for fisticuffs.

That notwithstanding, a man has a responsibility - BECAUSE HE'S A MAN - to defend women. Beating a woman is the greatest perversion possible of your design; it is directly contrary to nature's intent for you.

All of that is only marginally relevant.

In today's society, people - not just women - have been trained from a young age to believe - erroneously - that equal treatment under the law is the same as homogeneity.

It isn't. All races, genders, creeds, whatever, should receive equal treatment under the law, because we're all human beings. But I'd be the first one to admit that regardless of law, there are people out there smarter than I am. There are people more physically fit, more ambitious, certainly richer, maybe faster, maybe a better driver, whatever. Just as there are people who are less adept at any of those things than I am.

We are NOT equal.

We're not EQUAL, because we're not IDENTICAL. The notion of equality is silly. Equal treatment under the law should be the only goal of any "ist" movement.

But because we're not equal, there is responsibility inherent in that inequality towards one another. The strong defend the weak.

The moral equivalent of refusing to defend those weaker than yourself is performing the harm yourself. If you see a woman being raped and you don't try to help, YOU RAPED HER. If you see someone being mugged and you don't help, YOU MUGGED THEM. If you see people being murdered in boxcar lots and you don't stop it, YOU KILLED THEM.

Domestic violence is even worse. It is more than a defender standing aside; it is as though a king's personal bodyguard were the one to drive a dagger into his chest. When you beat your wife, you not only allow harm to come to her, despite your responsibility to protect her - you perform the violence yourself, in defiance of that responsibility. And to do that, you had to make a CHOICE.

Your parents didn't decide for you. Your teachers didn't decide for you. YOU decided.

I love and treasure women. The overwhelming majority of my friends are female; I spend as much time around women as I can. Because they're different from myself. They think differently; they emote differently; they make decisions differently; they are different. I, personally, need that contrast in my life.

Some of you may not; that's up to you.

Some of you no doubt think my urge to protect and defend women is somehow belittling, rather than empowering; that my willingness to lay down my life on behalf of my wife somehow denigrates her ability to do things herself.

Sure, she can open a jar that's stuck, if she fights with it long enough. My question is, why should she have to?

She can hold a door as well as I can. I'm still gonna save her the effort, if I get there first.

Because I love her. That's part of what love IS.

If you are an abused woman - listen closely. I'm gonna tell you the secret to it all. Are you ready?

IF HE BEATS YOU, HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.

HE NEVER WILL.

HE WILL NOT CHANGE, EVEN IF HE PROMISES HE WILL.

Don't fall for the age-old predator's trick. "But if I've really changed, and you walk away, you will be the one to ruin our relationship. And if you don't come back, you'll always wonder."

No, you won't, because I can solve that problem for you right now. People CAN change. Most of them don't. If a guy abuses you, and then delivers that kind of line, that IN ITSELF is a sign that he's just trying to victimize you again. A guy who's actually changed will WALK AWAY, and try to lead a better life, rather than risk hurting you again.

Just so you know.

I'm pretty much out of steam, here. You can vituperate me endlessly about how I'm such a chauvinist bastard all you want, now.

It won't change the fact that I would take a bullet for my wife in a heartbeat, and try my damnedest to keep her from doing that for me, even though I know she would. My job as a man is to make sure she never has to.

[*Edited to add: a link to Chipmkr420's excellent blog about a coward, and the notion of male obligation and duty.*]