The Campaign Trail

Let's do a breakdown on the candidates we're faced with in this presidential election, shall we?

Covering the top 5 funded candidates that are still in the race:

George W. Bush

1. Self-Financing: $0


2. Funds whose sources are undisclosed: $8,991,572


3. Top contributors: Banks, and Microsoft Corp.


4. Receives most of his money from: Retired persons, Lawyers, Banks, and Real Estate


5. Has way more money than you or I: Yep.


6. Made the second biggest tax cut in history.


7. Set back our civil liberties over 150 years.


8. Doesn't have an ability to speak well in public.


9. "There is no avoiding war; it can only be postponed to the advantage of
   others."
   - Niccolò Machiavelli

John F. Kerry

1. Self-Financing: $6,387,965


2. Funds whose sources are undisclosed: $20,081,288


3. Top Contributors: Universities (Harvard and UCal,) Time Warner, and Microsoft Corp. (Hmmmmm.)


4. Receives most of his money from: Lawyers, Retired people, Schools, and Banks


5. Married more money than you or I will ever have: Yep.


6. Won 3 Purple Hearts, the "You forgot to duck, stupid" award; and two "real" awards, the Bronze and Silver Star (1 each)


7. "Has more waffles than a House of Pancakes." (Thanks Jibjab, hope the lawsuits don't suck too much.)


8. "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing"
   - Edmund Burke

Dennis Kucinich

1. Self-Financing: $0


2. Funds whose sources are undisclosed: $176,558


3. Top Contributors: Schools, Unions, and Microsoft Corp (There's that name again...)


4. Receives most of his money from: the retired, and small business


5. Has more money than you or I will ever have: Wealthy but not REALLY stupid.


6. Has been a Talk-radio host


7. Believes in peace to the point of letting terrorists own you


8. "War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."-John Stewart Mill

Lyndon H. LaRouche Jr.

1. Self-Financing: $0


2. Funds whose sources are undisclosed: $207,642


3. Top Contributors: The U. S. Government


4. Receives most of his money from: Retired people, print publishing, government institutions


5. Has more money than you or I will ever have: Not exactly broke as a joke, but pretty poor. No wonder he wants this job.


6. Only candidate convicted of a felony


7. Conspiracy nut who says tax evasion and fraud charges prove he'll be a good President


8. "Hard pressed on my right. My center is yielding. Impossible to maneuver. Situation excellent. I am attacking." -Ferdinand Foch

Ralph Nader

1. Self-Financing: $40,544


2. Funds whose sources are undisclosed: $25,452


3. Top Contributors: A mishmash, but Time Warner is in there


4. Receives most of his money from: Lawyers, retired people, and investment groups


5. Has more money than you or I will ever have: Pretty sizeable nest egg.


6. Starts lots of PACs


7. Sues to get on the ballot, even though he doesn't have enough signatures; thankfully, the Republican Party will gladly provide them


8. "Victory belongs to the most persevering." -Napoleon Bonaparte (A note: I had planned to use this quote for Bob Dole, but he's not running.)

So, this time around, we have a moron, a waffler, a hippie, a crook, and a Luddite. Great choices, guys. Can we please have someone new? Maybe? Hmmm?