Funny, I Would WANT It Back...

So, Boeing just announced a successful test of their new ATL system.

What's ATL?

Well, first, it's a bad acronym; but that's not important right now.

It stands for Advanced Tactical Laser, which might - or might not - ring a few bells. It used to be called LEOS, which you might remember me writing about in 2006. Well, it's time to talk about it again. The idea is simple: a flying Laser Death Ray. They built a huge, overpowered LASER cannon, and then, rather than mounting it on a shark's head, they instead mounted it on a C-130H transport plane.

Now, the C-130 is a venerable, reliable platform, not only as a transport; it's also the platform for the monstrous gunship known as SPECTRE. But here's the thing; in both cases, SPECTRE and the ATL system, they've never been employed against a modern military.

See, Anti-aircraft missile technology hasn't stood still, since the C-130 was released in 1956. It's gotten better by leaps and bounds.

And the problem with THAT, is that the C-130 is slow, unstealthy, and easily killed by a single modern shoulder-fired missile. Considering the incredible cost - not merely in dollars, but in our servicemembers' lives as well - we might want the ATL to come BACK from combat deployments.

This is a weapon system perfect for destroying - as an example - mobile nuclear cruise missile launchers, such as the ones North Korea has been trying to build for decades.

North Korea has the most extensive anti-aircraft defense network currently existent on this planet. Their farmers starve, so they can buy more antiaircraft missiles, to defend against the godless imperialist running-dog oppressors. (That's us, by the way.)

And we might want those planes to come home.

Now, almost 2 years ago, when I wrote about this the first time, I suggested using the B-2 Stealth Bomber as a platform, instead of the C-130. Similar lift, much stealthier, plus more defenses, range, and airspeed; it would be far more survivable.

Of course, it would also be more expensive, but it's worth it, if it comes back.

Now, personally, I think ATL is a shitty acronym - that's when you smush letters from something's proper name together to make a word, but that's not important right now - and I would instead call it ATLAS - "Airborne Tactical Laser Assault System" - but a bad acronym's not a good reason to let millions of dollars, and multiple servicemembers' lives, get lost to the enemy.

Maybe call it GTA-LAC (Ground-Targeting Airborne Laser Assault Cannon?) Or, FELL-HOUND (Free-Engagement Line-of-sight Laser - High Focus Optical Unrestricted Nuclear Deconstructor) or "Roosevelt" for FDR - "Flying Death Ray." Hell, miniaturize, then put the thing in a big unmanned drone, and call 'em CHUPATHINGYS (Cannon: High-altitude Unmanned Point-to-point Assault Tactical High-energy Ionized Nuclear Ground Yield System.)

For that matter, once miniaturized, put the damn thing in a fighter jet, instead of a minigun and missiles; all computer targeted, so the pilot can point and click; call it WHACK (Weaponized High-energy Assault Cannon Kit) or FLATHEAD (Flying Laser Assault Tactical High Energy Aircraft Destroyer.)

The possibilities are endless.

ATL? Lazy-ass.

Try, say, VIPER (Variable-Intensity Phased Energy Ray) or ANGEL (Airborne Nuclear Ground-targeting Energetic Laser) or VIOLENT-A (Vapor-Ion Orbital Laser Energetic Nuclear Tactical Array, for satellites) or DAVINCI (Defense Airborne Very-high-temperature Incited Nuclear Cannon: Ion) or BARRAGE (Balanced Array of Rotating Radiation Airborne Ground-targeting Emitters) or EAGLE (Energized Array of Ground-targeting Laser Emitters) or BLISS (Ballistic Lased-Ion Subduction System) or (my personal favorite) HELLRAZOR (High-Energy Line-of-sight Laser- Ranged Airborne Zeroed Optical Ray.)

Of course, those are all too serious; why not call it DIAPER (Destructive-Ion Armor-Penetrating Energy Ray) or EDIBLE (Energetic Disruptive-Ion Balanced-charge Laser Emitter) or ENEMA (Excited Nuclear Energy Multiple Array) or CHICKEN WING (Cannon: Heavily Ionized Capacitor-Keyed Energized-Neutron Weaponized Iterative Nuclear Gun?) Or maybe RETARD (Refocused Energy Tactical Array of Radiated Destruction) or FUCKOSAMA (Flying Unrestricted Capacitor-Keyed Optical Set of Attached Multiple Arrays) or DIE AHMADINEJAD (Defense Ion Experiment - Airborne High-energy Multiple Array of Disruptive Intense Networked Energy-Jar Assault Deconstructors) or (since I have too damn much of it,) SPARE TIME (Set of Phased Array Refocused Energy Tactical Ion Multiple Emitters.)

Why don't they hire ME to think up better names for this kind of thing than "ATL?"

...Well, maybe it's because of DIAPER, ENEMA, RETARD, and CHICKEN WING, although I remain convinced that there's a research project somewhere that would be proud to sport FUCKOSAMA.