#5: Change and keys. Empty your pockets, dumbass.
#4: Jokes about Islam or explosives. Just stop talking until you're on the plane. Actually, it's probably wise to shut the fuck up until you reach your destination so the rest of us don't have to listen to your bullshit.
#3: 85-year-old women with walkers. Because they're clearly terrorists.
#2: Hot girls. Face it, ladies, if you're gorgeous, you can count on a "screener" groping your goodies.
Aaaaaaand the number one thing guaranteed to set off alarms and result in enhanced patdowns:
#1: Reading and understanding the Fourth Amendment.
The Fourth Amendment, in its entirety, follows.
"The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized."
In other words, naked body scanners and enhanced patdowns are illegal. Period. You have a right to be secure in your person and your effects. They can't search you or your damn luggage without a search warrant for that based on direct suspicion that you have done or are doing something wrong, and that warrant has to describe exactly what they want to search, and what they think they're going to find.
Period fucking dot.
Benjamin Franklin said that those of us willing to trade essential liberties for temporary safety deserve neither.
He wasn't wrong.
But anybody who thinks the TSA is doing a fine ol' job IS wrong. There are a LOT of other ways to resolve the security issue that don't involve sexually assaulting our citizens and violating the Constitution.
Thank you for listening.
