I am going to talk about a phenomenon which is far more common than reported, very serious (and painful for those who've experienced it,) and horribly deleterious in its effects on its victims, and explore the causes of it.
This is an issue that literally COULD NOT be more sensitive or touchy.
Now I grant that I am not normally given to sensitive language, but for this article I promise you - the reader - that I will do my level best. In exchange, I ask you to hear me out to my conclusion(s) before lighting the torches and stirring the pitch, ok? The side effect of this is that this post might at first seem rambling, as there are many threads to bring together here, and it must be done carefully. I will do my best to be sufficient to the task.
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BEYOND THIS POINT ALL BETS ARE OFF!! AND THERE IS SEX STUFF!! SO IF YOU'RE TOO PRUDISH TO BE COMFORTABLE, NOW IS THE TIME TO WANDER OFF!!!
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Rape, as a crime, is generally considered to be horrible.
But the effects on the victims are more horrifying by far than the degree apparently warranted by the feeling about rape, as a crime.
This is because there is an issue that almost never gets talked about, even in the most clinical surroundings, even with therapists, rape counselors, and psychiatrists.
Back up some.
In my private life, which I by and large try not to allow to bleed through into this site, despite many of my friends pestering me to write more personal things, I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, "normal."
I prefer a lifestyle that many of you - perhaps even most of you - would think of as perverse, simply by reading the words associated with it, without any real knowledge of what happens, what it means, or how it works.
But that very lifestyle gives me a window into things that 'nillas almost certainly wouldn't even think about.
For example...
Did you know that rape fantasies are in the top ten fantasies women admit to on polls?
There's a reason for this; I will get to it, I promise.
Top ten.
The thing is, even the people who do the studies on these kinds of things think that that's a significant under-reporting of that particular fantasy (1,2) because women tend to feel ashamed that they think of it, as though thinking of it in a fantasy context is somehow equivalent to approving of the actual act, which is clearly and obviously not true.
So, ok. Even at the under-reported rate, scientists estimate that as many as 17% of women have rape as their most persistent and recurring fantasy; that percentage could in reality be far higher.
We will come back to this.
The second consideration here is also psychological. Females - whether or not they are aware of it - as a group, are overwhelmingly sexual submissives. The degree to which this manifests itself is highly individual, and there are certainly women who are not, but they are far and away in the minority. Part of the perception of this is thanks to the almost ludicrously ham-handed way mainstream society treats the D/s lifestyle; many people who could be quite happy with some form of dominance and submission in their bedroom are no doubt turned off of the very idea by the public perception of it. (3, 4.)
I'm quite certain many of you reading this are now thinking, "Well, that might be true, but it's not true for ME, I mean, I'm not like that AT ALL."
So.
Have you ever dreamed about being swept off your feet by a lover who knows exactly what you need and can do it without asking?
Or about having your lover take charge, and guide your experience?
Or about being cared for - in ANY sense - in ways that you could do, but your lover has chosen to do to spare you the effort?
Do you like it when a man follows the older rules of courtesy - you know, opening doors, pulling out chairs, that sort of thing?
Maybe, for you, it is a turn-on when your lover physically lifts you off the ground; holds your wrists while you have sex; blindfolds you.
ALL of these things, if true, are displays on your part of some degree of sexual submissiveness.
The most important point of that little side note is: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. (5.)
But it's true; most females, whether it's genetic design or cultural training (and I refuse to speculate as to which it might be; it's not germane to the issue here,) express some degree of sexual submissiveness in their preferences.
Like it or not, the idea of SOME degree - major or minor - of helplessness during sex and sexual relationships is appealing, even arousing, to most women.
We will come back to this, as well.
The third consideration here is strictly physiological; studies show that females can become genitally aroused regardless of their mental state. (6.)
The human body is designed to respond to certain kinds of physical stimuli, regardless of attitude, regardless of emotional state, regardless of whether or not it is desired. This is true of both men and women; it applies for this discussion more for women than men, simply because it is physically speaking more difficult for the average woman to overpower the average man than the reverse. (Still possible, though.)
The fourth consideration is what ties the preceding three together.
It is a phenomenon known as habituation.
Hypnotists are very familiar with it, since it is the foundation of a lot of their efforts.
Any experience, repeated, becomes habitual. A good example of this is displayed in smoking; if you repeatedly smoke after a meal, you will quickly find yourself wanting a cigarette after each meal. Not only have you taught your brain to associate the act of smoking with the conclusion of a meal, but that habit has been reinforced by pleasure; (7, 8) smoking feels good (unless you're doing it horribly wrong, anyway,) and so each time you smoke after a meal, you not only reinforce the habit directly, you also give your brain a little shot of "this feels good," which ALSO gets anchored to the connection between cigarettes and the end of a meal.
Pleasure - of any type - hugely amplifies the human brain's habituating tendency; it's perfectly natural - even designed - for humans to seek out that which feels good, and steer clear of that which doesn't. Using this phenomenon in the context of creating a habit causes the habit itself to become, in the brain - the physical brain, not just the mind - contiguous and associated with the feelings of pleasure themselves, thus making the habit itself vastly more desirable in the hierarchy of your brain's maintenance schedule.
In fact, past a certain point, your brain will begin to maintain those connections, those habits and feelings, all by itself, without further input from you; this is what a "habit" is, in fact. It is a behavior pattern that has been so significantly reinforced and prioritized in your brain that it occurs without your conscious awareness of it.
How does that apply to rape?
A huge proportion of women - even if you believe the underreported figure - fantasize about rape.
Typically, even though they don't like to talk about it, they masturbate while so fantasizing.
What this means is that their brains gradually become conditioned to consider rape - or at least the fantasy - inherently arousing; the fantasy itself becomes associated with feelings of arousal, and orgasm.
Orgasm being the most powerful pleasure humans are designed to feel, this is a habituating force of almost terrifying potency; it cements that fantasy near-ineradicably as a part of the individual's arousal pattern, and gets stronger every single time they reach orgasm while thinking about it.
Combine this with the fact that the human body can become aroused regardless of mental state.
So.
A woman - fine, upstanding pillar of the community, married, two kids, happy home, satisfied sex life - is out for a walk.
She may not consciously be aware of any submissive tendencies at all, but even though she'd never say it, she fantasizes about rape fairly often when she needs more attention than she's getting.
Suddenly, she is grabbed, physically. Threatened. Touched.
On her conscious, emotional level, she is terrified; horrified; repulsed and disgusted.
On her subconscious level, this is exactly what her brain associates to some degree with sexual arousal.
She feels helpless; overpowered; out of control; all things her brain associates on some level with sexual arousal.
When she is touched, her body responds to some degree, regardless of her emotional state.
...And her subconscious considers that the go-ahead.
Very few rape victims report that they reach orgasm during the act of rape, but the percentage is there. A much greater percentage admit to being aroused to some degree during it. (9,10.)
If a woman is unwilling to admit that she FANTASIZES about rape, how much more unwilling will she be to admit that she reached orgasm during an ACTUAL rape?
The percentages are, again, underreported.
So.
That woman, having survived her attack, goes home.
And not only feels betrayed by her body, but feels guilty - as though the fact that she reached orgasm was a betrayal of her husband, boyfriend, lover, in some way.
She will forever associate the rapist with the rape; this makes it incredibly difficult for her to engage in normal sexual activity afterwards, as she will have her memories of the rape itself - and the associated guilt - forcibly presented to her anytime she becomes aroused from then on; the percentage of women showing significant sexual dysfunction even years after an assault is virtually 100%. In cases in which the victim experienced arousal or orgasm during the assault, these effects are far more pronounced. (11,12.)
The important thing - if any of you reading this have experienced this phenomenon - is that it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Biologically, physiologically, there was nothing you could do to prevent experiencing those feelings.
They are not a betrayal, or a failure, on your part.
What they are is a response you had no control over, to something inflicted upon you that you had no control over.
I can't begin to guess how you must feel, and would never claim that ability.
But if this has happened to you, I can say that you will heal more quickly and more completely by confronting it than any amount of shame and prudishness will ever accomplish.
References:
- 1. http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_1_45/ai_n24383385/pg_4/
- 2. http://www.slate.com/blogs/blogs/humannature/archive/2009/01/26/rape-fantasies-and-female-arousal.aspx
- 3. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Domination_%26_submission_%28BDSM%29
- 4. http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/25/magazine/25desire-t.html?pagewanted=4
- 5. http://www.alternet.org/sex/113745/?page=entire
- 6. http://calor.hit.bg/lib/Sexual arousal and orgasm in subjects who experience forced.pdf
- 7. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Classical_conditioning
- 8. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reward_system
- 9. http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2008/05/08/orgasm-during-rape-or-other-form-of-sexual-abuse/
- 10. http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2008/11/18/do-sexually-abused-children-enjoy-orgasms-from-rape-or-sexual-abuse/
- 11. http://www.hopesurvivors.org.uk/pg4-rape_effects.html
- 12. http://www.speakout.org.za/legal/laws/laws_newsa.html
