1000 Points of Stupid, Part Two

CNN, The Terrorist's Best Friend

Turkish Prime Minister Tayyip Erdogan was quoted as saying the cartoons -- one depicting the founder of Islam wearing a turban resembling a bomb --showed press freedom should have its limits.

Muslims consider it sacrilegious to produce a likeness of the Prophet Mohammad. CNN has chosen to not show the cartoons in respect for Islam.

Let's start this off right, shall we? THE WORLD IS IN FLAMES!!!

...Or nearly so, in any event, following violence and terror attacks worldwide by Islamic jihadists "in protest" over a couple of newspapers in Denmark and Norway printing cartoons depicting Mohammed. Like this: Now, I think that's not only funny, but sadly accurate. (It should, however, be said that this cartoon is the property of the newspaper which published it, and I will take it down if they ask me to, so enjoy it while it lasts. Hopefully, they'll just be glad people are even willing to show it, and not stealing their bandwidth.)
Now, the jihadists are all upset about how these kinds of cartoons trash the image of their peace-loving religion, right? Which is, of course, why they've responded not by writing letters, or even making a simple phone call ("Excuse me, but that's not cool. Please stop.") as a peaceful, loving religion might lead you to expect; no, they've responded with kidnappings, bombings, assaults, arson, and death threats.
I ask you: which image tarnishes the reputation of Islam, the image of Mohammed with a bomb in his turban, or the image of a screaming fanatic sawing off the head of a civilian on live television? If the "silent majority" of Islam, the peaceful multitudes the jihadi apologists swear by, really exists, WHY THE HELL ARE THEY STILL SILENT?

On a lighter note, everyone knows that Wall Street stockbrokers and bankers are huge death metal fans, right? We've all seen the mosh pits that form in the New York Stock Exchange and the floor of the Fed. We've all heard hideous rumors of chicken decapitations in subway stations, surrounded by crowds of men in suits waving their hands in Satanic invocations, flailing their heads around like late-80s MTV junkies watching Headbanger's Ball, haven't we?
That's right. We haven't. Because that crap never happens. So why the hell is the Wall Street Journal doing Op-ed pieces on death metal? Don't ask me; I have no idea - but it seems to me that this is merely a symptom of the ongoing disconnection between the mainstream media and reality.

Just how DOES a hard-core porn film get packaged as a "My Little Pony" DVD and sold to a mother of three? I have no idea, but I found this tidbit funny:

Mrs Laaroussi says she feels lucky the children grew bored with the adult content of the film and switched it off after just a few minutes.

But she said: "What would have happened if my children had watched it all? It would certainly have scarred them for life."

What I find so very, very amusing there is that the kids figured out what was going on, got bored, because they didn't yet have those hormones, (the oldest was a seven-year-old girl,) and turned it off themselves. I'm sure those kids were at risk of their very sanity, lady. That's why they turned it off, because they knew their tiny, fragile little MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYNDS were at risk.

Now, they COULD have been at risk for real: they could have been riding Michael Cianci's school bus.

Authorities say the 38-year-old driver called himself The Emperor and used Star Wars characters like Jabba the Hutt to encourage his charges to follow storylines from the movie, resulting in kids pummeling each other and cutting each other's clothes with scissors -- instead of lightsabers.
Law enforcement sources told The Daily news that Cianci said he created The Death Cheese Club to discipline the middle school children, giving them names like Darth, Sith Warrior and Jabba.

Now THAT will cause psychological damage, I tell you - being called names from a George Lucas movie would traumatize ANYONE, these days. ESPECIALLY after Episode 3. At least he didn't call anyone Jar Jar - the other kids would have beaten them senseless in seconds.

The Tennessean.com website has a great story brewing about a fight over an upcoming local zoning ordinance. What makes ithat great, you ask? Well, rarely, if ever, do you get to see politicians come right out and say they're out to get you, right? They usually try to hide it in some way. But not in Tennessee, evidently: read on.

Push polls use loaded questions and slanted statements to try to shape public opinion, instead of simply measuring it. Elizabeth Merkel, a zoning-change supporter and a Sylvan Park resident for four years, said one of the questions she was asked this week was, "Did you know that the overlay infringes on the rights of property owners to add a second floor, new rooms, sunrooms or decks to their property?"
Parts of this statement are simply incorrect, zoning officials say.

Right, so the opponents are just making up questions to make the law sound bad, right? But wait! There, near the bottom of the story, nestles this little tidbit, like a pearl of evil in the giant oyster of slush:

Tim Walker, Metro's historic zoning administrator, agreed that some of the questions were misleading. The zoning change would not infringe on residents' rights to build decks, which wouldn't require government approval, Walker said. And most changes to houses would simply be reviewed by his staff rather than requiring what another question described as "numerous costly trips for hearings."

So, what you're saying is, the pollsters shouldn't have used the word "decks" in the question, and it would be accurate? Whoa, there, chief, somebody stop me! Let me think here: now, I don't have to ask you jack crap. I vote yes, and then I do? I think this time the "opposition" oughta win it, don't you?

Astonishingly, there is an intelligent, well-written article posted on AOL.

What?

Oh, did you want me to tell you what it was? Or was it just that you don't believe it at all?

Oh, fine. Canada has had another Really Good Idea, like nationalized healthcare. Guess what it is this time? They're testing a system in new automobiles to track their locations and forcibly ensure that they don't speed, by physically preventing the vehicle from accelerating. This, of course, is clearly necessary, because if we're free to speed, you know, millions would die a year! They would! We're all insane, conscienceless speed demons who smear babies into the pavement with our huge SUVs while simultaneously giving orders over our cellphones to beat someone's grandmother and watching DVDs on our dashboards, right? Not really. In fact, when our government did away with the federal speed limit of 55 miles per hour on the highway, the number of deaths per million vehicle miles dropped to the lowest level in history in just two years. Of course, THAT information isn't the part that makes it to the front page - it's the one drunken dumbass who rolls his Explorer into a water tower, instead. Here's a clue, Canada: nothing you can possibly do, EVER, can abolish the dumbass. All it does is make it more irritating for the rest of us to get around.

Now let me pose this unreasonably hard question to you: what, exactly, would you do with 3 miles of railroad track? Wait, wait, there IS a reason I'm asking this - unknown thieves outside the German city of Weimar actually stole 3 miles of railroad track. Clearly, this was a major operation of some kind - 3 miles of railroad track weighs a LOT - and yet no-one noticed it was underway, until the mayor of Weimar called rail operator Deutsche Bahn to ask if the dismantling of that line had been scheduled. They are still without clues; the thieves got away clean with 200,000 euros worth of track. Now, it only remains to wonder "WTF?!?"

And speaking of "WTF?!?" now there's the Hot Chicken Protection Bill, which would prevent Georgia police from stopping any vehicle transporting poultry if the temperature is above 85 degrees. No, there's no point to this, just thought I'd share.

Western Union has finally been dragged, kicking and screaming, into the twentieth century; the company has stopped sending telegrams once and for all, as of January 27th, after 145 years of continuous telegram service. No mention, of course, is made in the article of what made Western Union keep sending telegrams for 145 years, especially after the invention of the telephone, the internet, email, and overnight air mail and package delivery services. How some companies stay in business , I swear, I'll never know.

A gentleman named Brian Quintana has succeeded in doing something I'm sure the rest of Hollywood would like; he's gotten a permanent restraining order against Paris Hilton. HE claims she's put out a hit on him, which on first glance I find somewhat unlikely, but the judge thought enough of Quintana's argument "how do you know what she'd do, Your Honor? She's a drug addict," that he went ahead and granted it. A permanent order is somewhat unusual, as a typical restraining order is limited in duration, 10 years being most common. Hey, chief, maybe you shouldn't have been running around telling people the richest woman in the world has herpes, huh?

Clearly, someone in Ireland is thinking ahead. After all, speeding is DAAAAAAAYYYYYYNGEROUS! So, they lowered the speed limit nationwide by 10 miles an hour. What happened? Speeding is up 800%. Any more accidents? Gee, no, not really. Hell of a lot more fines for the government to keep, though, eh? I have a revolutionary idea for you, guys, ok? Take a second to think about this: maybe, just MAYBE, the huge majority of the people in the world aren't complete jackasses, and they know how fast THEY PERSONALLY ARE ABLE TO DRIVE SAFELY. Maybe, just maybe, this 800% figure indicates that you have the speed limits set too slow. Of course, maybe that was on purpose, as an opportunity to jack up revenues from traffic violations. Next thing you know, Ireland will be trying Canada's new anti-speeding "safety" system, you just watch. Things that make you go "Hmmmmmm..."

And finally, Britney Spears, she of the ever-so-safe-driving-with-baby skills, is finally, at LAST, under investigation by the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services. Woohoo! Maybe her poor child can have a chance at a real life, rather than being constantly in danger from her antics, and those of her man Cletus.
Failing that, though, maybe the bribes she pays them to make this go away will allow some OTHER poor kids to have a decent life, instead.


Shortage of stupid in the world, you say? Not so's you'd notice, actually, no.