Unexpected Emotional Response

So, on the way out of the building tonight, I spot a manager who either gets my sense of humor or at least tolerates me and provides a reasonable facsimile of understanding.

Because I wanted to share something I thought was funny, I grab my phone, unlock it, and the first thing that comes up is a text from my mom.

"Your grandmother died a half hour ago. I love you."

That's...

That's not what I wanted to show you, man, I'm sorry. I was gonna bring you something funny.

Finding myself suddenly trying to handle a really astonishing level of emotion, I asked, "Can I have tomorrow off?"

Got the nod.

I'm not yet at a point where I can even really process this, guys.

My grandmother was 98 years old. I spoke to her last week on the phone. Despite Alzheimer's, she remembered me, and our previous conversation, asked how my wife was, told me to hang onto her, gave me a couple of good pieces of advice.

As far as I know, I am the only one of her grandkids (And there are a loooooooot of them) who knows her buttermilk biscuit recipe.

Because along about the time she turned 85, I demanded she teach it to me. She asked why. "None of the other grandkids know."

"I'm not them."

Some of you may have heard me say that same phrase in other circumstances.

It means the same thing now that it did then.

I know I am a deeply flawed person; I am far from perfection and would never make any claim to greatness. But I've never felt obligated to approach things the same way as everyone else.

My wife and I, fairly recently, had a discussion about this exact thing; she emotionally invests in things, places; I emotionally invest in people.

I'm not always truly aware of the extent to which I have done so.

There have been some events in my life that, through my own decisions, and my own responsibility, rendered me effectively persona non grata to the majority of my family.

Two people - two - stuck with me. My mom, and my grandma.

Fifty percent of those people are now gone forever.

I am deeply surprised to find out just how much I really had invested in that.

My brother, who hasn't spoken to me in over four years, spent a bit on the phone with me tonight.

I'm not welcome, or wanted, there, and I get that, but thank you for giving me that time, dude.

I miss you.

I know you weren't in a real mood to chat.

But I'm grateful for it anyway.

...I know this isn't very organized or very coherent, and for that I apologize.

I am deeply surprised to find out how much I had invested in my relationship with my grandma. I am deeply sorry that I didn't invest a lot more when I had the chance.

My lovely wife, who knows me better than anyone has any right or desire to, was waiting at the door when I got home. She wrapped me up in a hug, got me as settled as I really am gonna be tonight, and told me that if I can get time to go to the funeral, we can make it happen financially.

I know I probably won't get to have that time, but I can't even begin to express how that made me feel, knowing that she knows how important this is to me.

I will write more when I feel ready, but this is the only one I'm going to link; my friends I think have a right to know what's going on, even though they're not invested in this and have no reason to be; that having been said I feel no need to shovel maudlin, trite blather their way simply to glorify my own emotion.

I am deeply hurt and saddened, today, guys. I don't expect you to be, but I would appreciate it if you guys would factor this into your thinking if I act a bit off over the next few days.