The Lame, the Halt, the Blind, and the Brainless

Ok.
I hate to do it, but it needs to be said.

Houston drivers are the worst in the known universe.

No, really.

See, in Houston there is no such thing as "following distance." You know, that thing that sane drivers use so that if the guy in front of them suddenly stops to admire the flowers at the side of the road, they can stop without running into him? Yeah. Don't have that. See, in Houston traffic, if you leave any space at all, it is an absolute guarantee that some jackass suckhole will swerve violently in front of you from one side or the other, narrowly missing your bumper.
But Houston drivers fall into four main categories: the Lame, the Halt, the Blind, and the Brainless.

The Lame are those who are constitutionally incapable of driving at the speed limit. Whatever the reason, they creep along as much as 20 miles below the posted limit, driving everyone crazy. Now, most people believe (erroneously) that speed itself is somehow inherently dangerous. In fact, this is not the case according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. Now what does affect safety is the presence of motorists travelling at different speeds. The Lame are dangerous, regardless of the context in which they appear.

The Halt are otherwise known as "The light-will-get-greener people." As you can tell from their name, they love to sit at traffic signals, stop signs, and ESPECIALLY blinking red lights, and never ever move. Ever.
Ever.
They are also the perpetrators of such joyous tricks as coming to a complete halt in the middle of the road before turning right into a driveway, street, or parking lot, even one with complete visibility around the corner.

The Blind are those who cannot see out the windows of their cars. They cannot see the cars around them, they cannot read street signs, they cannot see traffic signals to obey them, and they are very very likely to sue if their inattention causes an accident. This syndrome is often caused by cell phone use.

The Brainless are those who cannot properly operate their own cars. These are the people whose cars mysteriously roar forward while they're changing gears, for no reason at all, as they will loudly assure you. They were pressing the brake as hard as they could. Far be it from me to suggest that they were pressing the wrong pedal, but Hey! Dumbass! The pedal on the right is the one that makes it GO. The "stop" pedal is on the OTHER side. (In case you were wondering: this phenomenon occurs so frequently that there's actually a name for it: SAI, Sudden - Acceleration Incident. I prefer P. J. O'Rourke's term for it: SUI, Sudden - Unintelligence Incident.) They can't work their turn signals, only manage to find their brake pedals in the last five feet or so, have no idea how big their car is, and thus can't make a left without obstructing the ENTIRE street, and they just. Plain. Can't. Figure out that driving at night, in the rain, with no lights, is STUPID.

One of the great joys of my life is that I spend upwards of ten hours a day, EVERY SINGLE DAY, on the road with these boneheads.